despair

I have been trying to ignore everything and refrain from reacting. I was able to go out Friday to bowl and hang out with my brother Matt and his girlfriend. I feel lethargic and find myself apologizing and feeling sorry all the time. But Nick and I have played all weekend.

I was going to try and see my friend who has been on my mind all of this time... but I couldn't. I feel somber at this realisation. She told me I've changed. This is true. The thought infects and sickens me pike a virus. I am a waste... I was reading that she had lots of fun as usual with her friends. I see something different now. She actually has friends who will have a good time with her... who would want to see me when the other option was to have a good time with good people?

Sigh. I have already lost. I know there is nothing I can do and nothing more will come of this unless I change. Lucky for me there are still people out there who love me and want me around. What about when they start feeling the same? I know one day I will have to leave this place... maybe then I could pretend to be someone people will like to be around. Neither her or her friends will tolerate me anymore. I guess I am a little mixed because I know they have their problems too... they use her for beer, rides, and other things... and I never have... but I am the one cast aside when I needed her the most.... its depressing but I will have to get over it if I want to survive and keep the few people I have left....

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on.the.burden.of.anxiety

I feel a lot of anxiety lately.  I don't want to admit that there might be something gravely wrong but I can feel it in every fiber of my being.  I am afraid of what is to come.  The boy is growing increasingly restless and so am I. 

Last weekend we went out for the Superbowl to be with people and avoid idleness at all costs.  We spent Friday with his cousins.  Saturday we spend with my grandmother and afterward went and saw my brother and his girlfriend.  Sunday we went out to his Mother's for the Superbowl.  Yesterday, I stayed home from work after a long and grueling weekend to recover. 

I can feel the anxiety hanging in the air.  We will need to make some hard decisions fairly soon.  I can't help but think that this will be a heavy trial with an even heavier cost.  I lost my mind the other day and we spent the rest of our hours trying to forget why we were so worried.  I have turned inside with nowhere else to go.  This weekend we will try to do it all again.  We will try our best to keep occupied. 

We keep talking and coming to the conclusion that we just need more friends.  It's hard living in between.  I am too far from my old friends back home and too far from any potential friends I could make at work. 

I feel listless as our paths may part soon.  He has his mother he needs to help and I have a career I need to cultivate.  I wouldn't resent it if it came down to this.  I just know I would be lonely.  I told him softly the other day that if it came down to our paths separating I would wait for him.  My heart would be ready when we would come back together again.  Though, I sincerely hope it will not come to this, I have the strength to endure if it does. 

I try not to worry about it.  With the coming of Spring our decisions will have been made and I will move forward with them.  It is all that I can do. 

I haven't talked to my friend since last week.  I'm afraid it will be awhile.  I can't seem to bring myself to disturb her again.  I'm too needy and she is too busy.  That is just how it is...  I feel too ashamed to ask for anything more than this solemn nothing.  I know people change.  I've changed. 

I feel this weight upon me and it is unmovable.  Like a cancer it spreads its tendrils and violates all that I loved and cherished till I believe in nothing.  I will destroy him and myself if given the chance.  Will I know to run before it is too late?  I have the highest hopes for us, and that is what keeps me going on this path.  I tell myself to endure.  That ONE DAY it will be easier and we will be happy with ourselves and our home.  I feel we need to stick together and that we will pull each other through this.  I see no other hands outstretched besides his.   We will take turns pulling each other up the slippery slope till we reach the apex... perhaps then we will have nothing left to fear.

realisations

I have been rash... and hard on the people I love. I am reminded that we have been through so much. The stench of soap fills my nose along with the bitterness of my own breath. I.... am at a loss of what to say. I wonder if I should seek the help I have always been so disinclined to ask for. I feel like I am dying... not physically, but in an intellectual and emotional way.

My writings have been a raw and unaltered show of my fits of emotion... but perhaps I seek something more refined....

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its.ok

I have been doing some thinking. We are going through a hard time and life has shown me that you can't depend on anyone but yourself. I have to rely on me and not my friends to carry me through this. No one is going to be there for me and its short sighted of me to even think that was a possibility.

I am here with Nick and he is playing Nintendo 64 while I watch and I could not be happier. My friend had another party that I wasn't invited to. I am trying not to be bitter. This time she tried to hide it too and I find that funny. I am a sucker and a fool. My best friend is sitting here with me. I am going to just back off. I know there will come a time when she will miss me and will seek me out. I can't be the one trying to force myself into her life. That is social rape. So as far as I'm concerned we are still friends, just long distance friends. I don't need her and she doesn't need me. This is ok with me now somehow... a few days ago it was killing me. But I have cried enough because of her. I want to be here happy with my baby.

This may sound cruel but I look forward to when she finally remembers me and I can put out my palm and say sorry, but we are back at square one. Maybe I can fit you in sometime after I am done with my real companions. People who were there for me when I needed it.

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screaming

The boy informed me that I have started and groaning, turning, and talking in my sleep. It is all incoherent but it is generally easy to infer that I am not happy. This is not the first time. This probably won't be the last time either. I am worried. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO Those were the only real words that could be discerned.

I miss my friend but I told her off today finally... This is affecting me. She just yelled and complained and said she didn't respond because she had no time... but she had time for them. And made up excuses. I'm just going to go away. I need help, I need someone.... the one person I thought I needed can't be there for me. I understand I guess. She has her own life. I need to make new friends.... I need to make new friends or die.... Or at least I thought.... She said she still loves me. She reminded me of something

Her Phone: I just wish you would see me like you used to. A good friend..someone to talk to no matter what the issue. Someone to lean on when your sad..but at this point I feel some frusteration in your life is being targeted at me because I'm there to hear it. Do me a favor. Close your eyes just for a second. Think of all we've been through. Do you know what I think of? Burning our hands with cigarettes. Snuggling on my bed after a long night of drinking. The twinkle in your eye when I handed you a rose. Only the most interesting, beautiful and unique flower could have expressed you like that. The way I want to just tackle you when I see you after its been a while. And..staring in your eyes while we slowdanced. At one point..you were happy shay. I want to do anything I can to help you. No matter how many times we have to tiff. I'll still be here telling you I love you. You shouldn't sit there and say you fucked up. We all fuck up! I don't hold any hostility towards you whatsoever. I completely understand your having a miserable time. Just don't cut me out for the love of god please x.x

I can't go through life alone like this or I will lose my humanity... If I even still have any. I fantasize about dying all the time now... I'm scaring myself. I'm too much of a coward to do it though... right? There is nowhere to go... the darkness goes on forever in all directions. I want so dearly to be not alone but I don't know where to go. Even if everyone had their hand on me I think I would still be alone because I made myself this way. I wish I had the courage to die and protect those in my life from me.

consumed.by.anger

I am in a lot of pain and consumed by anger. I am ravaged by it. I had told my friend that I was not happy with being ditched every weekend and she reacted like I thought she would. She said she didn't mean to. They were just closer, they were just more convenient, she really did want to see me... and maybe this weekend since she knew I was suffering. But yesterday she ignored all of my attempts to contact her. I feel cold and lifeless today. I told her in a final message that I understand why she is doing this. I had read yet again (at least premtively) that she is ditching me again for her friends. I have been in so much pain. We found out the other day that the boy's step-father is dying. He is in a lot of pain and I am an emotional vampire. I had a panic attack a few nights ago where I was unable to breath. The boy was afraid for me, but really I wasn't so afraid for myself. I laid down to sleep yesterday and the boy played games on the computer to sooth me and allow me to sleep. When I finally awoke Nick turned to me and told me I scream in my sleep. It doesn't surprise me... the horrors I see when I am awake and asleep it's a surprise I'm not screaming all the time. I was in the car with him when he broke down a few days ago. Hearing him cry with such anguish and fury... I wished to take the wheel from his hands and steer us into the walls of the highway. First slowly unclicking my seatbelt and his. There would be no more pain. If there is a god, we would be closer to him... I feel it every day now. I have no reason to live. I struggle daily just to have food for us to eat. I am harassed daily by loan companies that don't care if I starve or if I am injured just as long as they get their precious dollar bills. My brother is going to be a father and he wasn't even so good at being a brother. I am alone. I feel like I have no friends besides Nick anymore. My best friend doesn't care for me anymore... I don't blame her. I just wish she'd leave me alone now. I want to go make new friends but I don't know how. Friends who actually want my company, want my presence.... someone who can see something else other than this miserable monster that I am. I'm afraid that's all that's left though. I don't want to lose the boy but I feel like it might happen. I am distant, despondent, lost in my mind. I imagine razors. I dream about leaving my friends, family, and loves for solitude and destruction. It would be a fitting end for me. Maybe then I won't watch the world go to shit... It can watch me go to shit on the evening news.

i.don't.hate.you

I realized something for what may be the thousandth time... I had made plans to see my best girlfriend and again nothing came of it. I wasn't surprised really, but it hurt just as much as it did every other time. I read blurbs on her face-book about how she was hanging out with her other friends as usual. The ones she says don't mean as much to her as I do, but the ones she has the time and the patience to hang out with. I knew this was going to happen, and when it did I still felt violated. I was also invited to a party for a friend, but those plans also fell through. I broke up inside but my exterior remained thorny and strong. I coldly told myself that it didn't matter, turned to the boy and said that we should get some beers and have ourselves a good time. If I couldn't party with my best friend I'll be damned if I wasn't going to party. I took down those cans fast and and with determination. If I knew one thing, it was that this could take away the pain inside. It did. I don't remember much besides Nick holding my hair and me apologizing for being pathetic. I awoke the next morning with my head pounding. I again reduced myself to a pathetic drunk. Nick turned to me the next morning "Guess what we forgot to do..." and while I wanted to cry I threw him words of encouragement. It was because I myself felt so terrible. I am a horrible person and I am sinking into the depths of despair. I was hurt, and I hurt myself, and I thwarted our own efforts by it. I feel sick. I wonder if things will ever end up ok. LIFE is hard. I need to be harder. I can't keep doing this. I think I just want to be alone. If I keep on trying to get together, I will just keep being disappointed. I need to distance myself again. That's what I have to do in times like this. It hurts. Oh god it hurts. I don't want to live today. It hurts to be awake... I am in despair. I am considering leaving everyone and everything behind so that it doesn't spread like a curse. I am no good. And anyone who tries to tell me otherwise is lying to my face. You say you care? Then why every time I try to see you, you come up with some convenient excuse so it doesn't happen... then I find out you were really with the people you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. It's not me. It was never me. It's all one big fucking lie to try and make one pathetic girl love herself. Well cut it out... it's not helping. Maybe if I was a retard and couldn't see all this going on around me.... I could only WISH for that kind of ignorance. I hate myself, I hate everyone. I hate the world. Why the fuck am I still here?

run.away

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel stupid and inferior because while everyone else around me can make a life I am struggling with harassment from loan companies, my own sick head, and a growing disposition toward solitude.

I am trapped... and I don't think there is any way out.

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choking.on.the.will.to.survive

It has been hard trying to deal with the monsters in my head. I watched Taxi To The Dark Side, a documentary on 'interrogation tactics' used by the US military in Afghanistan. As I laid there on the bed watching, at first I found myself making cruel jokes... Like who cares? These people deserve it. Half way though I started to feel sick, and the tears rolled down my face. We are all truly monsters. We make men into monsters... And I am a monster. I have been a wreck the past few days. I can't help but wonder if I will be tired and weak forever. Have I been truly broken? I asked him to make me cry. So, there in the shower with the water cool and berating my body, I was tense, shaking. The images in my head were painful and distracting. I ground my teeth together painfully and I found I couldn't look at him anymore. His fingers pushed down my throat and no words needed to be exchanged. I recoiled and whimpered pathetically and there in the falling rain drops the tears ran down my cheeks. It was strangely liberating then as he turned off the water and handed me a towel and pulled my wet face upward to look at him. He said I made progress and I managed to smile. He took me in his arms and dried off my body and I stood there a submissive. My head and well-being I had entrusted to his hands. He took me and I cried more into his chest until I could bring no more tears. My chest lifted and I felt light. I felt his hands clenching my hair that was still damp and I closed my eyes. The tension fell from me all at once. It is truly something special to give yourself away to another. I have always been a submissive and felt... unfulfilled by other roles I have played. But he put a little spark in my eyes, and I knew when he smiled back at me that THIS is why he was smiling. I have made a best friend. I don't ever need to feel alone... I'll keep telling myself this. And in every corner, the shadows lay and wait for me. I am truly delusional. The lack of proper sleep, and the mental torture loops I run on myself. I wonder... maybe one day I will be wiser from all of this...

waste

I woke to the realization this morning that I can't keep a sane, happy, and clean home. My awful resulting mood is contagious and I tried to make it a point to say that its not worth going into.... but he pried of course. I guess he feels that's his job.

I don't know. I woke and stared at the marks on my arm and wished I had never promised not to make more. I just want to rot in solitude. I think that may be the natural course of my life anyway. Always trying to keep myself out of a ditch or a grave is becoming too much work. Why not let nature takes its course? I will end up there either way... its just a matter of how many people I would rope into coming to my funeral. Now I think the numbers would be at an all time low... and I feel better about that than anything....

I hate the holidays but not nearly as much as I simply hate myself. As I write these words I feel solemn. It's painful to realise that I was never going to make it out ok. I was doomed from the start. I am just a waste. A person who wants but never seeks to achieve. I am laughing because this path for release will end the same... I will want but never achieve it.... I am a glutton for punishment....

I wish there was a way out that I wasn't too fucking lazy to reach for. Perhaps God will show me the 'mercy' he had shown to all those drowning in Noah's flood... eh... but I think he may be more of a sadist.....

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done

I am writing with some fury in me due to recent frustrations. The realization that you love someone so much more than they would ever love you is a painful enough realization to bear. Bit something the lies they tell you about your value to them is driving me into madness. I feel furious that I am the only one who bothers to try and keep us together while she complains about her sparse social life... sparce is hardly the word. She parties with her real friends whenever I'm not around and is 'broke' or simply unwilling whenever I try to initiate something. I have to practically fight my best friend for her to even notice me.... perhaps I am a fool. I don't have anything left here. Perhaps its time I stopped grasping wt the frayed ends of a friendship that probably is no longer real. I can't stomach the lies and the guilt anymore.... she probably won't notice anyway. This will hurt me more deeply than I can imagine... but I suppose it is better for the both of us if I just let go finally. Then I can be one step closer to my lonesome solace.

It is bittersweet....

I wish it was different but I was just lying to myself too. I am.not a good friend either. And I can't be with all of this pain and jealousy. I am going to disappear. If she fails to notice my assumptions are confirmed and she will be happier without my meddling. If I am wrong she will seek me out if she really needs me... then maybe then she will understand.... I don't know.... it rips me apart and I long to talk to her even now. But I am so so so very hurt.... this is for the best. I can only hope this won't drive me into madness. I hope... hope so hard I am wrong......... but I don't know....

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questions

With me its all about asking the right questions. There are few avenues I feel able to communicate about myself. Trust is something I don't give out so freely anymore. I learned that from repeated betrayal. I don't even know who I am sometimes. But I like to think that I can paint it easily in black and white. For certain subjects. Anonymity and promises of blathering fiction are my masks.

But some people have earned it with their questions. I like to think I pick these few well... and I guess you too. Whoever you are.

It can make a person feel gripped by the madness of trying to keep up a game face.

I try to keep my lives separate. But lately it has been growing murky. Who am I to you? My life is a mosaic of secrets.

I sometimes wish to leave it behind. To see what I would become then. Perhaps my past would fade away like a story told a long time ago by a person who's face you can't even remember. Maybe I would let the animal win then. With no one to express shame to could i? I would live a ruthless unforgivable life. Of that I am almost certain.

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dying

I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into distress. I was almost too ashamed to show my face today because of all the sick time I have been taking. But I am blinded by need. My head refuses to shut down and I roll around in despair knowing if only there was no mark for daybreak I probably could.

I don't know how long I can take this.... I plastered my face with color to even out my pale features. I am afraid all this stress and illness will end up costing me if it continues.

I feel like I am dying. If I lose everything again... I don't know. Maybe i would be better off that way.

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i.am.not.not.afraid

But sometimes I really wish I was...

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how.much.can.I.take

I often wonder what may have become of me if I did not suffer so. Lately my life has been in order. The inside still churn with negativity. I remember a few months ago I was wishing that someone would notice if I was sliding downhill. This is very selfish of course.... I have dreams sometimes where I am 'saved'. I woke up this morning in a stupor. I was crying. Saved? Me? There are very few people on this earth who know anything about me.

This... is also very selfish.

I can only think of the torment I brought to others... lately I have wished to simply be forgotten.

I am making friends at work and this... bothers me. Its hard to explain with any precision. I just have an opportunity to be whatever I wish... you know... whatever they want.... sigh. I am safe in this one place. Till the clouds come at least.

I used to dream a lot... I would dream while awake. Dreams of violence, honor, struggle, and sacrifice... it was the one place I felt safe. Now... when I sleep I am tormented... how could a place of fortitude just... disappear? They are replaced with horrors I can't describe...

I haven't slept much because of it. A friend at work commented on my fatigue... it shows... I can't sleep safely. Arms bound across my chest helps... but once the imagination takes over they become ropes, snakes, paralyzation.. ....

I ... just kinda wish it could be a time of peace....

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the.thing.with.wings

The last few days have been a display of indulgence. I have spent the past few days in a happy stupor. I think I deserve it too. Things have been going exceptionally well at work and I am showing my worth and skills and I am being acknowledged for it. It feels good. Those empty feelings have receded. I am overall rather pleased with my life. Sure I don't live like a princess but I couldn't be happier.

It has been amazing to me to feel such Passion for another person and to have it reflected back. Waking up is such a happy moment for me. Either its to his smiling face or to him sleeping peacefully with his arms wrapped around me. He protects me and encourages me. He praises and scolds me. There is a well of kindness in him. When I make him breakfast he thanks me. When I buckle down in despair he smiles to me and holds me tight. It's like he just knows me so well inside and out. His kisses are warm and familiar. My heart flutters at twelve in the morning when I hear the door creak open.

Love is a wonderful thing that heals. The spontaneous nature he has meshes with mine and we have the most amazing adventures at home, out in the world, and in bed.

I am overwhelmed by these pleasant feelings. It is the best drug imaginable. Who would have thought that I could be loved like this? Me with my flaws and quirks... but he takes each thing in me and celebrates it.

I can't wait till he gets home and I can show him what I feel.

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selenophobia

I remember that as a child I would sit under the night sky and I would be overwhelmed by the massiveness of it all. I knew that I saw a small white blotted circle that was smaller than one of my fingernails, but this object was 7.36 × 10^22 kilograms. Something so unimaginably and almost intangibly huge was hovering above my head. If with a single word it could be commanded to crush me it most surely could. If you think I feared this you would be correct. I would look up and see stars that were bigger and further away and the fear would grow. The sun during the day would fascinate me as the largest, closest thing to us.

It stirs something within me to realize I am so insignificant. I am but a small spec on a tiny rock in the middle of a vast... open.... space.

Why would the universe be designed to be so infinite seeming? It is essentially endless.

Something my Dad told me. An old Native American story about children. Children come from the dream world and end up in this world. They enter it screaming and crying because they are afraid. This is unlike anything they have ever seen. You need to make them feel welcome in this world. Those who didn't feel the warmth die and return to the dream world. This is what happens when a child doesn't feel welcome here. You come across a child in it's slumber and they seem so relaxed, so calm, even smiling. This is because they have a strong connection to this dream world when they are young and they feel safe in their slumber. I was taken aback.

Humanity has always come up with reasons for why there should be something more than what we can see... I see a child smiling in their sleep and I see a child dreaming about something pleasant. I see a child crying and I see a child in need of something. Fairly simple analysis. An uninhabited analysis.

I prefer my father's way of seeing things.

The vastness of reality is sobering. I often put on the blinders so I can only process what is right in front of me. But I want a full 360 degree view.

There's a door open to walk through
All I want is, just beyond
What if I could let my guard down
Into freedom, on and on.

failure_to_comply

Maybe this is what it's like when your mind just suddenly gives out. I can't seem to keep up with the rudimentary tasks that everyone else can do. Work. Keeping the house clean. Trying to pretend I'm not fucking insane.

Hell who even knows if I can keep the boy happy anymore... He still says he loves me. I might too if I had to watch such a pathetic creature try and struggle to just wake up and breath.

I have failed, officially, and utterly. I am a failure. I am made of practically nothing but fail. This is all I can hear in my head.

I have isolated myself away from everyone. Perhaps in some kind of attempt to be alone in my final moments. So I can remember what that darkness really looked like. I don't even know what I am capable, but I am capable of ending THIS... right? I failed before and dragged so many people through the dirt. All for my own selfish, desperate needs. I am not going to let that happen again. When I go down this time I'm going to make sure it's all by myself. Then I won't be in need of a rescue.

If I don't hurry up and change something I am going to lose everything again. Make no mistake, it's entirely my fault. I am the reason for my failure. Only I.

The only sane thing to do in this time of situation is to cut off the part that's infected and seal the wound. That way I can keep the infection of hate, and pain, and worthlessness from filtering outwards to the already pathetic and helpless masses. God forbid I had ever created another parasite of myself. But I am soon enough for that.

I am going to stop writing for a while. Either until I have something good to say or nothing at all.

blackout

I woke up late, very late. So I decided to do something productive. I began folding clothes, I went to the store and bought some food. I waited for my roomate and lover to return from work. He did as I was stepping out of the bathroom, freshly showered and delicious. We decided that we wanted to play.

Ropes bound my wrists, and I remember writhing in pleasure. Ecstasy one moment... then without warning, I suddenly found myself yelling. Nick looked down at me and asked me if I could hear him, if I was ok. All I could do was cry. What? What happened? I KNEW what had happened, there is only one thing that would make me feel that way. I had been out for five minutes, he informed me. I don't know what I would do without him. I curled up into a ball. I couldn't believe it had just happened again... or that it had happened while we were in the middle of... mmm... you know...

I spent some time curled up in my protector's arms. I was taken down a few notches. I hate that I do these things. I hate that I can't seem to be anywhere near the realm of normal. I don't want to need to be taken care of. He said he would support me in any avenue I chose to take. He is truly the best. It is nice to know, that no matter what... I don't have to go through this alone. I kept telling him last night now afraid I was. But he doesn't look down on me for it. I remember feeling comforted as I laid with my nose in his chest, sobbing in frustration. He held me tight and I could feel his fingers in my hair.

Tonight we try again.

need.it

I am suffering and it is very clear. I find it ever more difficult to even pretend. To lie. Smiling when inside I am trying to strangle myself. I sleep too much or I don't sleep.

Nick awoke me the other night and I was screaming in terror again...

I hate to say it... but I really want my meds again.. I want them... oh god... I want to trade some comfort for sanity... I dream about it every night now.. every single night. I remember... I replay. I feel discusting... I can't even go out. Too long around people and maybe the monster will come out. Then another person will know I am not what I appear to be....

I don't even know what I am. I'm an animal. A beast with yellow eyes crying for a bloody harvest. I need my meds. I need them. Resisting my vices is taking everything I have.

How could I have ever thought I would be ok without them...? Seizures or insanity?

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earth

I think I forgot why I am so angry... or maybe I just remember there is no point in life if you don't spend time enjoying it. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You got to let it go.

I want to start writing again.

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Perhaps it is that I really don't have anything profound to say. I can't up but think of myself as the apex of patheticness. All of this hate is perhaps completely necessary... I know it isn't very helpful to me or anyone else. I can't let it go sometimes.

I feel like if I have nothing to give or say, then I should give and say nothing. But this is a selfish way to live. I feel so, useless around myself. It is like I can't keep up, or perhaps I don't want to keep up.

Nick showed me an essay he had written the senior year of high school that went into detail about his perspective on 'life'. It was perhaps a little bleak but overwhelmingly hopeful in some way. As if simply understanding the problem made it easier for him to bare the cruel results of his bleak outlook. He believes that things can change.

I've never really been one to hold out on optimism. I feel a lot of pain and panic and it cuts me to the bone. I'm afraid of most things from people to pincers. I find myself often hurt by the actions of others.

The other day I couldn't help but think what was the reason for my pathetic life? The people who's lives I've participated in have come and gone... and at the end of the century no one is going to know or care who I am.

I live a futile life. I can't change the world. I can't even change myself. There are parts of me I do like. But others I wrap my knuckles around and watch as my own face and fingers turn blue from the pressure.

People walk up to me and ask me what I like... I pause... What do I like? I like my boyfriend. I like the smell of grass. I like being blitzed out of my head.... I could go on but I think you get the point..

I have no reason to live. I have nothing I'm going to change... If anything my being here only hurts the planet and those in it... Wouldn't I be doing everyone and everything a favor if I just dissipated?

It's pains me.... I strive for close connections with people... Just now I was thinking there is only one thing I truly have any passion for... That is people. Others... friends, family, lovers. But I simply don't allow myself this. I can't.... I really can't. Because I see myself on one side of a tall fence and everyone else is on the other. I can't become close to them because I am something else... I'm a monster... I've been struggling too long with this.

I don't know what I'm going to do if these dreams do not stop....

fucking.lose.it

I am going to lose it. I swear. There is nothing I can do in this world to make it ok. I am a waste of space and time. I should have killed myself a long time ago before people even bothered to get involved.

I am sitting in the bathroom stall at work trying to qwell the tears and pretend everything is ok... but ill I want is to drag a razor across my skin. Feel it digging in and tearing and ripping... as if that would even compare to the insufferable pain inside.

I want to do it... show everyone they were wrong. I am not invincible and I am not perfect. I cannot be pushed and pushed and pushed without something that begs to give.

I am going to lose it. I already am losing it. I can't ask for help anymore. I just want to sink. This time they can all Stand back and watch and whisper about how they knew I was weak and worthless like I have known for a long time. I can't take it.

I will show them.

I will show them what a mess really looks like. My brains splattered across the floor like an unwanted spaghetti dinner....

I am going to fucking lose it. I can't survive In this insufferable world anymore. There was never any room for me here.

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be_ok

A few nights ago I was told that I talk a lot in my sleep. I was talking about moving code, and discussing which directories were correct. I made repetative noises and mumbled and moaned. I kept the boy up all night with my jargon. Of course I don't remember any of this somehow, despite that he woke me up a few times to try and get me to quiet down.

Last night the nightmares were terrible. I had a hard time sleeping to begin with between my brother and his friend climbing in the window, to Nick rousting me when he got home, to the pained images that keep resurfacing in my mind. It hurts... It really hurts. It hurts still with an unimaginable vigor. I am staring out the window today and it is raining, just as it is raining within me.

I drempt of probing, uninvited, fingers and awkward requests... I drempt of my brother dieing and it being my fault. I drempt up all that pain again. I wish I was just ok.

dear_agony

please_let_go_of_me
suffer_slowly
is_this_the_way_it_has_to_be?
dear_agony

It is two weeks until I move. I am happy to finally be out of the house soon. I have been very low. It seems like every time I walk into a room with my step-mom, stepsister, and brother's girlfriend their whispers quiet up and they wait for me to walk by before continuing to banter on and complain about people (me included)... (I don't think they realize that just because I can't see them doesn't mean I can't hear them). Their ways were brought to my attention by Nick. I usually don't listen in because I don't care what these petty girls have to say about me or anyone else they want to bitch fest about... but god... they are so mean. I won't be listening in again anytime soon.

I have been feeling very hateful lately. I like to sink into the bottom of a bottle and forget. I heard it once said very aptly on a TV show I like "Black out as much as possible so that you don't remember the life that you had." I sure don't want to remember it sometimes. All of those painful moments. Every second is agony. Those brief moments when Nick is home is like bliss. I feel happy for once. For once I'm not surrounded by petty, hateful, women whispering behind my back about how I'm a distasteful slob but are too 'scared' to say it to my face... right... cause I am soooooo intimidating. Right... I will soon be free of all of these hateful bitches and then maybe I can live my life like a normal person. Nick is working hard to get a job on my time schedule... just for me. I am working hard to not lose it again in the meantime.

You have no idea how difficult it is... All I ever wanted was a family that gives a shit about me. But that is not the case. I know better. I KNOW better. I have never been loved. I have NEVER been loved... and I never will. Call me a whiney whimpering little cunt... but I have tried everything to get these people to like me. And yet when I turn over they are still whispering lies and hateful things to themselves about me and everyone else they hate.

I think about the razor every day now. It tempts me. It tempts me so. The allure of drowning out my pain with more exact and precise pain makes me feel better inside. I keep thinking that I wish I had died those few weeks ago. It is selfish... I know. I do have someone who loves me, one person in a sea of haters. I don't understand really. How could anyone love me? How could anyone ever want me. I am just a waste of molecular matter and the forces that hold them together. How I want to tear myself apart.

I am somewhere in between ok and not. When I am with people who don't spout hateful shit about me, I am ok. Keli came over the other night and we sat around and talked. She said hello to the hateful bitches and they turned up their noses. I've started playing their game right back. Perhaps it's why I feel so dirty. I waited for her to come into the room with me and I spoke semi-loudly "Don't worry about them, they ignore anyone who doesn't fit their plastic mold. They aren't very friendly and so please don't feed them" I'm wondering if they could pull their heads far enough out of their asses to hear me anyway. I doubt it.

I need to find some kind of escape tonight until Nick comes home. Oh how I want to hurt....

I will be ok soon... It is just two more weeks until I am gone and I will never speak to these cruel and bitter people again.

back

I have been going through a rather upsetting sequence of events that I don't really wish to talk about. I don't even know what to say even now.

I guess you can say I have given up on some things and accepted other things. I am not trying anymore... It is hard to understand why people do the things they do. Why pursue me when I am taken and happy? Why deny me friendship because of this fact? I was trying. I had planned to go up on Sunday for a birthday occasion and some lighter talk. But... it was made very clear I was not wanted... and yet this weekend I received a strange message that was aimed to assure me they do care... they do want me. I am baffled... I will sit back and try to get my head together before I try to involve others in my life anymore...

I have punished myself greatly for everything. I nearly died last weekend and it is sobering to think that maybe... just maybe I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I now owe you my life. The bruises on my face and eye are a reminder. A reminder of how cruel I can be to myself. I guess this isn't the first time.. .but it was most definitely the closest. Finally I am starting to realize that if I don't change... I could die... I could really really die.

I came in to work today wearing makeup for the first time since the initial interviews. I think it is hard not to notice. I am very self conscious about the scars, the bruises, the lack of light in my eyes... my unwillingness to smile today.

I can be really stupid sometimes....

My birthday was on Saturday and I am now officially old. My parents and grandparents showed up. Even my littlest brother did. Warren decided to skip out to get drunk with his friend... I felt slighted, but this is nothing new. It was awkward to have to talk to these people who I haven't really seen or talked to in days, weeks.... They suddenly were fighting for my attention. I ended up pretending to sleep on the couch... I wanted to be alone without being too rude. I didn't want to lock myself in my room when I knew they were at least trying.

i'm_not_dead

I just don't have anything to say anymore.

hello_?_..._helllloooo

I am tired today. I have had a lot on my mind. Sometimes I can just be so negative.

Now I just feel numb.

I know my darling won't be coming home till late tonight for he works, and he works hard. I see all the dreams he has and I only wish I could help him more along his way. He smiles at me and tells me that I do. He wraps his long, muscular arms around me, and for a small while I can feel like I am at home. Otherwise I hide within myself.

Behind lips curled into a smile... a snarl...

I have been through so much bullshit it is hard to believe I was even able to make it this far. In my youth I used to celebrate and worship death as a romantic entity. I remember searching through databases and accounts of others who flirted with disaster so to speak... I would look for different ways to end it. I never went through with any of these curiosities. But I would dream about them. It would bring me a sort of giddy pleasure that I feel strange talking about now. It was strangely romantic. My dreams have often delved into violent topics. I used to enjoy imagining myself losing it. Spiraling so fast that I don't care to watch the scenery fluttering by. The people in my dreams would ask me to stop, and I would tell them NO. That I had grown tired of being tortured by life and when I had finally found a way to leave it all behind someone has to step up and pretend to care? NO...

You know, there was rarely ever a happy ending. Perhaps it is just a vision of the inevitable. My anxiety eats me alive some days. Would it surprise anyone? I doubt it. Whether I like it or not, I have been warped by the cruelty I have seen. It is as much a part of me as I was a part of it while I suffered quietly.

Happiness is for people who don't see the world. I wish I had never opened my eyes sometimes. I am ok, if anything I have learning to accept... no embrace, the monstrosities.

I am conflicted on a certain subject. But I don't want to talk about that.

I keep reminding myself that there are good things in this world. I imagine myself with bright yellow eyes, white hair drained of all life and vibrancy. I want to lose it. I WANT to lose it. I will give my body away to the chemicals and see where that gets me. I am a sick person.

That's what you get when you fuck up raising a child. You end up with a monster. That's all I am... it is all I ever will be...

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

calm

I need to stay centered. I don't need anything at all

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well_unlocked

It's unlocked :/

dreamer.baby

I had a strange dream last night. Lately I've been thinking a lot about other people, while rolling around in pain that is. I had a dream last night and let me tell you, it was a releasing dream.

It went a little something like this:

Matt and I had met up in a coffee shop and there were birds chirping. I remember sitting at the table with my guts churning and my insides burning. I couldn't remember why I had come to this place to meet someone who so clearly hated me. He came and sat down and... whoah... smiled. I remember in this dream world I was taken aback a few steps. All of a sudden we were talking about the good old days, and how he had gotten a job as a nuclear scientist (weird). I found myself nodding and feeling at peace. It was a good feeling. He mentioned a lady Emerald (a weird) and showed me a picture of a dashing dark-haired Italian woman and I felt no hate or anger. Normally, in a past life, I would have been jealous. But there was nothing to be lost, only things to be gained in this dizzying dream world. I mentioned my new flame and was congratulated. "We should go to the zoo sometime, Nick can come too" I nodded and moved to write down the date in my phone...

But alas I would awaken in this real world. The dream was especially vivid. I could smell the roasted coffee beans and imagined the smells of the other people in the room. I heard old and familiar sounds of ambulances bombing down Highland. A dream is a dream of course. But in a way, I take comfort in it somehow. At first I was discouraged to awaken and find that in fact my ex-friend is still offering nothing more mature than the silent treatment and clearly despises me still. But now I see that perhaps it doesn't matter. Perhaps it didn't matter. In my wakefulness I could draw similarities between this conversation and a conversation I had with Chance (another ex) about his wife and perhaps getting together to meet up and shoot the shit. I am glad that he could forgive me (for Matt... ironically) because he is an invaluable friend.

I know you can't force people to like you. Hell some people who used to like me don't anymore. There isn't much I can really do about it except dream and stand on my own two legs and keep walking.

I find a silver lining in this dream. If I can't have something real, perhaps I can take solace in the fact that if this was possible it would be beautiful. Perhaps in another life, another timeline, and universe it is... But what has happened has happened, and if he hasn't room in his heart to forgive no amount of whining, kicking, or stretching is going to move his cold heart. So, I pride myself in warming my hands over the fire in my own chest and in Nick's.

I realize I am not missing anything but a child's fantasy. He is not the person I loved or even liked anymore. Now he is a cold, bitter, adversary who resorts in childish tactics. Where-in my happiness lies is only illusion and dreams.

what.matters

"Can I ask you a wired question"
"Sure. Anytime. I like wired questions"
"What do you appreciate more? Who I am or who I want to be?"

I froze for a moment. A brief moment and wondered why he would ask such a question. But the answer came as naturally as rain to me....

"That is a weird question... because well... aren't they both the same thing?"

He is just on a path of greatness. I wonder how it must feel to want to accomplish so much be faced with setbacks to delay his dreams and aspirations. I envy his goals. His determination to stand up and walk. He once told me that he knew he could do anything but it was meaningless without someone to share it with.

I have been stressed out lately. But I know it will work out. We are both fighters and survivors....

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deadly.mantra

My kidneys felt like they would burst yesterday. But after a dose and some urk later I feel much better. I am in love. I have always been up and down. But I feel great to share all of me with someone who cares without shame. I am happy. I am hopelessly in love.

I was thinking about Dave and Alex today. I miss them. I'm too ashamed to do anything about it though. I wish I hadn't lost them to a stupid disagreement. What can I do but relish my solitude?

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another_set_back

Well it looks like I won't be moving for another few months. Every time things start to look up got slams his fist down. Thanks... really.

pain.pain.go.away.come.again.another.day

The stress is catching up to me again. I can barely eat most of the time, my stomach aches and throbs. I'm waiting for a release of bright red discharge from my throat to know when it's finally too much for me to handle. But when I'm crying in my lover's, arms crossed across my stomach, eyes clenched shut afraid of the light, that is not enough to break me. There is one thought on my mind concerning my weakness. It is a solid worry that I've dealt with on countless occasions. People become disturbed at my lack of care and become sick of my weakness. Who wants someone around who is weak, inferior, worthless?

He tells me he is worried. I can only think about what it would be like to lose him. If I didn't know loneliness before I would know it then. I have no friends. Only a few, and far between, faint whispers from an all too distant past. I am too scared to try anymore. I have become close to his friends and they have grown to like me along with his family. I know what that becomes though. All of my ex's friends and himself have disappeared to the wayside. All those people I spent time on and with and relished in promises of friendship and kindness only to be tossed aside like I never mattered in the first place. So... when he tells me he is worried I hear "You are a weak link, you insufferable miserable piece of shit" Sigh "If you don't shape up I'm going to walk away just like everyone else." Fight pound "Weakling, if you aren't perfect, I'm going to walk away laughing in your torture and demise"

It's cruel to think that way. He doesn't deserve it. Unlike everyone else, for now, he is still here.

"I'll be yours as long as you'll want me" I say,
"Well you best be in it for the long haul then babe, because I want to keep you"

Maybe, just maybe he is truly different.

I crawl forward, the smell is pungent and painful. I romanticize pain. I see myself buckled over with my hand tight over my stomach. Mouth open and wrenched into a painful grimace. My mouth opens and I expel black murk and blood. It gets on my clothes, but I don't care. I know there is no one around. The door to the bathroom is locked. I think my wrists are aching, stinging, bleeding. I pray for it to all end. I touch the gray and red puddle with my fist, it is sticky and thick... and also very warm. It feels good in the middle of this nightmare.

I want to suffer for all that I've done.

I am going to ask Nick to help me with this. I know he can help. He has a firm and loving hand. He can strangle the beast and then coddle me afterward.

I am sick. I am so sick inside. The stress is tearing me apart. It is tearing me inside out. No one can see this.

Not to be all dramatic, but I have been thinking about the subject of death and dying. I have been left wanting in those hours when I can't see him. I've been left lonely. I don't talk to my family, they don't talk to me, not unless it's about $$ or well $$. I hear them talk to Brittany and I feel jealousy. She gets words of encouragement, words of praise, words of strength. Granted I don't suffer like she does, but do I need some life threatening Ailment just to get a "I love you"?

I am in so much pain and agony. I don't know how much of this I can take anymore... I really don't. I am suffering. I wish there was some way to put me out of my misery.

He tells me to hang in there... We will be moving soon. Everything will get better. I will have 10 more hours a week to do whatever. I will have more time to see him. He will be getting a first shift job to see me. I need to be strong somehow.... somehow... somehow.

But I am wasting away in wild abandonment. I can't let my imagination get the best of me. I can't throw him away like I have so many others. Really, he is all I have left in this world. Without him I am alone. If it wasn't for him I may not have spoken a single word to anyone in the past month or more.

I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...

bricks_for_brains

My youngest brother and I have not been getting along lately. He is a liar and a cheat. He has the gall to ask me for the money I've owed him for a under a week when he has owed me a larger amount for the past several months. He is just trying to piss me off and I realize this. He told my mother some bullshit lies about how I was 'taking pictures of her drugs' or whatever. Riiiight because that would do me a whole LOT of good. Even if I did take pictures of her illegal activities, where would I bring them? The best part is that instead of asking me like a normal human being, she had to flip out for no reason until I insisted she look at the pictures on my phone. "Mom are you serious, do you think maybe you would notice if I was taking pictures of you? Why do you believe his bullshit?" She went on on this tirade about how she didn't just blame me and how nothing is ever her fault blah blah ... what else is new.

Matt is acting like scum himself. Running around porking any girl he can pop his dick into. It's sickening. I told him that if he kept trying to manipulate me I was going to tell all his girlies about all the other girlies and about how all his "I love you's" are all a bunch of hollow lies. Because nothing scares a compulsive liar like the truth. He did leave me alone for a few days. Today I got a message "I need that five bucks today" suuuuuuuure he does. He's not getting a penny from me until he apologises for acting like a dick.

I realize I made a mistake a few days ago. Yet again I foolishly try to contact an old flame only to be childishly ignored again. It's like the world is stuck in kindergarten and I'm off somewhere else. Alex texted me also not that long ago asking when I was coming for a visit. Clearly she must have been confused or something, because last time I checked I was still in "Fuck You" status with the man of that household.

I wish people would just grow up and move on, myself included. I should stop giving a shit about all these people in my past who are only there to be a weight on my mind. They have plenty of time to grow up and I have plenty of time to wait I guess. I have a feeling I'll be waiting forever, I best not hold my breath.

needed.T.L.C

I needed some well deserved rest. I have to say that spending a day in my pajamas, in bed, with the best service on earth was well needed.. also probably deserved. Nick was nothing short of the absolute best treatment. Between getting me glasses of water and stroking my hair as I complained how awful my stomach felt, he proved to be a great caretaker.

Despite all recommendations I did something I probably shouldn't have today. But here's to crossing your fingers and hoping for maturity.

I feel much better today needless to say. I got a good amount of rest yesterday. Nick has today off too so I will try my hardest to get back home as fast as possible. Last night he was so sweet. No amount of complaining could train his positive attitude and he made me feel like a-million-five.

You are my savior and everything I have ever needed. This is the most amazing thing I can imagine.

the_best

The concert on Friday was the best concert experience I've ever had. I danced and screamed and pumped my fists until my body writhed in agony. It was simply unforgettable. I spent all four hours wrapped in his arms. We danced wildly and jumped. We got to the mosh pit and danced even more and pushed and shoved. He held me tightly and protected me from the rowdier specimens in the crowd.

I remember one series of moments in particular. It was soon after Rise Against had come on stage. The crowd grew even more wild. We were close to the stage, not more than ten feet from the stage. The crowd grew animal like. I felt my body being pressed and squeezed. My eyes, frantic, scanned the world around me to see a swarm of bodies. I felt panic rising up within me. Everyone was pushing and I was drenched in sweat. My exhaustion was growing. I could barely breath. I felt closed in. People pushed in like a can of sardines mashing me up further toward the stage. I had cried out softly. I had to get out of there or I was going to pass out. I pushed myself through the crowd and Nick faithfully followed and helped me free myself from the crowd before I practically collapsed on the side.

Another point, earlier he had come to my rescue and received a blow to the leg on my behalf. I was moved by his sacrifice and how she strove so hard to protect me. That instinct that he has is so great. I remember I was telling him about how a friend and I would play this game and I would end up passed out on the floor. He grew red in the face. He was actually angry. I didn't understand why at that moment, but I do now. Or at least I believe I do. He is a protector, a nurturer.

We are a perfect match. I have no inclination to stray. What would I even have to gain by it? A lot of people seem to think it has to do with the lack of variety when you are with one person. Our relationship is full of variety. We are unstopable. He is always happy to do anything with me, to me, at me... hahha. It helps he has a healthy libido. I can get satisfaction without the "R" word being thrown in my face. I am just amazed, every single day..... Please, don't have me wake up.

rise_against

I am going to RISE AGAINST and BAD RELIGION tonight in Boston :) I am so excited. I have been waiting for this for a long time. I'm glad I get to share it with someone special. I planned everything out from what trains to take, to where to eat if we are hungry, to what to do if we get out after the Red Sox game.

I am currently at work, t-15 to game time, to class in t-30. My boss even said I can leave early which is great. I am so happy. Things are getting better and better every day. I hope I NEVER wake up.

cornflake_crusted_french_toast

Work again today I miss my lover, but I will get to see him tonight. Despite how hauntingly Silent Hill-ish it looks outside I feel that today is going to be a splendid day. I am very happy drinking hot chocolate mixed with coffee and eating a plate of cornflake_crusted_french_toast. I had asked Nick to wake me up last night. I woke up early this morning to the sound of rain crashing against the ceiling. After I was content that it was not some evil spirit or the boogie man I curled up next to my lover, who had appeared at some point in the night, entwined in his arms and fell quietly back to sleep.

I woke up to a text
"Sorry I didn't wake you up. Love you but you were sleeping so peacefully and I know you said you were tired"

He is so overwhelmingly thoughtful and perfect in every way, and I am his little worshiper. Two tones of a beautiful picture lost in a sea of colors and shapes.

I want so badly to return to the ocean and just sit and listen. Over the weekend I went to visit his family for Easter and his mother, who adores me, gave us a book listing 100 things for couples. Some of them were naughty, some of them were very cute... I wonder if she read it before giving it to us.... haha.

I love my life. It is almost perfect. I can't believe that it has been over six months. Time flies when you are having a good time right? Because it has. Soon it will be a year... then more.

He will be returning to pharmacy school soon. I am so happy for him. He is so bright and talented in everything he does... It is something to adore and admire.

Work has made it a little harder. We need another evening of sitting on the floor with a bong, painting bottles or what-have-you. Maybe even painting each other :P Ah I have never been so enthralled. I worship him and he cherishes me. What more could I ask for?

life_is_good

Yeah, that's right. Life is good. All you haters can eat that.

Yesterday was 420. I went down to the statehouse with the boy to read the final remains of what was once a hippie congregation. I don't see why they don't bother to legalize it... oh right. Fat fucking cats and their $$ does the talking, the walking, and the stamping. They call this a democracy? That's so laughable.

But you know what. LIFE IS GOOD, AND ALL YOU HATERS CAN EAT THAT.

It gets better every day I spend at your side, Sir Nick. You've been right about everything, frustratingly correct, even when I wish you weren't. But I love you and I can't wait till we move together :) this is like a dream. AND ALL YOU HATERS CAN EAT THAT.

Oh wait... there are no haters. Well then you can all starve :P

I_LOVE_YOU

If you had approached me a few months ago and told me not the sweat the small stuff... Not to worry because in a few months everything would be ok. I would have probably scoffed and told you to eat it. But I would have had to eat those words. I am happier than I have ever been. I have come to find that he is a lot like me.

"I can do anything" And of course, if he put his mind to it he could move the earth and the stars, "But I need someone to share it with"

I remember when we had first met I was distressed about not having a job. This meant that if he wanted to take me out, he would have to take me out. I felt worthless without having something to provide and give back. He would only smile and say that I gave him plenty. After I got a job he had turned to me and said that he was glad that he met me when I was down in a hole. I could only wonder why. He said that he was glad he could help me, that he was glad that he could be the one to put smiles on my face when I was sad.

I remember laying down with him to watch a movie my mind was else where. We had begun to fool around. He thought I was just as beautiful as I thought he was. But I had something to hide. I told him not to take it personally, that it ment nothing. He didn't. I would eventually show him the lines across my skin and he didn't see any reason to hate me for it. He said that we all come from somewhere. I watched over the past months as those lines faded. By this summer I will be his pale, unblemished goddess... no I will be his blemished goddess and he will love me all the same.

If I knew then what I am discovering now I would have told myself it wasn't worth sacrificing yourself for another. It doesn't have to be a sacrifice. You can both live and be happy and give up NOTHING... in fact, I feel like all I've done is gain. We don't fight and bicker about stupid nothings. We don't NEED to rely on conflict to give us a semblance of normalcy. Who said I wanted to be normal anyway?

We were talking briefly about children. I was amazed at how open he was to talking about it. No topic is too taboo. I was shocked. I was used to hearing about how everything was too soon to think about or too soon to talk about or too soon to consider. I don't wanna move in with you?! We have only been DATING two years?! Are you mad?! I guess so. I don't have to ask, beg, and plead for the things I want and need.

Best of all. I don't need to be his equal. I can be small, I can be little, I can be his and he can be mine. But I don't have to struggle for equality when it's not even necessary....

I love him with all my heart. This one will hurt if he walks away, but I don't think he will. He got lucky and found me at the perfect time. I plan to devote myself entirely to him until he either gets bored or takes me in his arms forever.

off.with.those.silly.things

I had a rough few days. A rough week. It is easy for me to feel so lonely. But Keli and I did end up getting together to relax and talk about the good old days while watching crappy horror movies (not like we were going to hard-rewatch the whole thing). Nick came and picked me up.

The next day, Saturday, was Warren's 21st birthday. We are taking him to the bar tonight and buying him his first legal sips haha. But that night I bought a 30 rack f some light beers and he enjoyed them with me. We had a good time together. It's great that my family is coming back together. Then I went to hang out with Nick's cousin and we chilled.

Though that ended up being a small point of contention between Nick and I... But it's not what you might have thought. I'm used to going to bed very early. Laying on that comfortable couch with a couple of beers in me and bags so heavy they would drag my eyelids down. I ended up falling asleep until Nick came there. He was upset briefly because his thoughts were that I had gone there and passed out in front of 4 people after drinking tons of beers. In reality I had two and slipped into sleep while watching Supernatural. It's a bit embarrassing. I feel so old haha. But he made it up to me. To think, he even said he was sorry :)

He didn't leave it at sorry either. He took me in his arms and pleased me until I couldn't squirm anymore. It was ecstasy. We talked about dreams and goals. He made me blush during the day with texts that I never expected to hear from anyone. It was a shock to me. But I grinned and played along carefully. I don't want to be careful anymore. Why would I need to be careful? Just encase he's another blood sucker like me? I think I actually found something wonderful, a best friend and a lover in one.

I'm still getting over what happened a few weeks ago. I still see your name. Thinking of just blocking you. But would it hurt to leave the doors open to maybe give it a chance? I don't see why not. *sigh* But life is going extremely well. I'm thinking of visiting a friend in Mass soon. They are in need of some companionship.

Must of been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks, in the street
And ask many questions
Like children often do
We said,
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far -
Am I very far now?

feeble.attempt

My feeble attempt to start a conversation failed miserably. I said I was going to try again in a few weeks. But I think not. I give up. You can stay mad forever if you want. I'm not going to deal with people who clearly don't want me around.

Hey if there is only one person on this earth who can stand my company I will take it :) It kind of feels like that again. I keep trying to get together with people but they would either rather be alone or with someone else than me.

Tonight I give in. I'm going to my corner of the hallway and I'm going to lay in bed. Or maybe I'll pass out in front of the TV expecting your soft lips and words and your bright smiling face. It is all but salvation in this empty existence.

It is not so empty as I say. It just feels that way. I want to be a normal person without shoving medication down my throat. So far it is working. Sure, I deal with the anxiety like everyone else has to... With sheer will.

I am frustrated by one person's absence and one person's walk-out. I won't let it bury me though. Nick is there. Nick will always be there. Anyone who didn't think so will be proven sorely wrong... or so I hope. For now he is my north star, my guiding breeze in my sails.

I'm sorry to those I've disappointed, it has gone full circle. I will miss you, but I am not going to keep trying to force myself where I am clearly not wanted. That goes for all of you.

shutting.down.sort.of.x

Since some people don't seem to know the meaning of the word 'blog' I am going to give this a few days and put it on password protect. If you think you are adult enough to handle my personal opinions without freaking out and having some childish spasm then by all means email me at to.spleary@gmail.com and request permission to read. I'm tired of people either a.) taking this too seriously or b.) pissing themselves over what I have to say. In the words of an old enemy, my name ain't dick, so please take it out of your mouth.

ends,up.the.stranger.was.right

I end up making friends with people who are nothing but selfish, self-centered, pieces of shit, who won't even give me a straight up answer. You know what, fack you. I hate to say the boy was right, but he was. Also, you were right, I need to make new friends. I will, I will make friends who appreciate me for who I am and for what I am. Not people who will toss me to the curb at the smallest sign of turbulence. Thanks for nothing. I know what I am worth. Good bye.

well

My former friend made it quite clear that he doesn't give a shit today. So I will try again in a few months if it would even be good for me to do so. This is causing me more stress than anything else. I wish my friend would just grow up. *sigh* At least I have people here at home who do care. I just wish he could see I care about him too... But he's so stubborn I don't think he will ever get it. He is set in his ways. It's foolish of me to even try. I am only going to get bitched out for my efforts.

The boy told me that this is what would probably happen. He was right. He was right about everything... *sigh* my underpants are the only things most people seem to care about. Once that's out the window then so am I.

Good night, I need some gin.

i_hope_i_am_right

I hope I am right and not my boyfriend. I hope my friends of old will grow up and just put one night behind them so we can be friends. If not I guess I should be more cynical about the world. If not, the boy was right about them. Maybe I am just stupid.

not.a.good.day

Today is one of those days I could just sleep away I think. I miss my lover. Tomorrow night he will be around for me and I will be complete. I think I finally realize what my ex was really into, and it's not me. Not that it matters. I realize what I am into and it's not him.

parents

I feel less and less comfortable around them. I don't spend much time at home anymore, and when I do it is in my room with Nick or Matt. This weekend I may arrange to have lunch with Alyssa and Allie. Or who knows maybe I'll go down to visit Brian in Worcester. I just don't like being around them, and this morning was no exception.

I can't wait to move out.

you_can't_always_get_what_you_want

sometimes_would_be_nice_though

I was under the weather today it seemed. I was stressing out over the loss of a friend several weeks back. Simply not another word has been exchanged and I doubt there will be another exchange of words at this point. I talked to Nick about it, as it was something that was bothering me... and when I'm bothered he takes notice. Like a girlfriend he'll sit me down and ask me about my day. So well, I let him have it.

It wasn't much of a consolation but he reminded me that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need everyone to like me. I don't need to keep someone in my life only because they were once there. He didn't much understand my reluctance to give up so easily. I considered several times today trying to talk to this person... but alas I would only expect to be either scolded again or some other negative outcome. So why bother?

It saddens me to think I'll never talk to this person again. But if I'm not wanted I'm not wanted. It's funny how everyone from that life is gone now. Everyone who was associated with Matt and WPI is gone. The people who had always been close to me have stayed. Sure, we've had issues... but we got over it, we got through it. Through thick and thin. Unlike those friends I had made so long ago now it seems that have checked out of my life seemingly for good this time. It's only my own fault too. But there's nothing I can do about it now.

I'm doing better without my meds. I don't feel sickly. I have gained some weight and this has scared me... Maybe I will get back on them. But I like the feeling of a clear mind. I like not gritting my teeth twenty four seven. The disappearance of those seizures is another good indication for me. It helped for a while, while I was miserable at my ex's side. But now that I'm in a different place, with a different crowd, and people who do love and respect me... I don't think I need it any more.

This is what I was missing. I'm still missing things... But you know what. Whenever someone walks out of my life someone always walks in to take their place... I wonder who it's going to be this time...

another_week_ticks_by

I know that before I get a grip with what is going on, it will be Friday. Today is the start of Nick's weekend. I think he is getting fed up with his job. I wouldn't blame him. From what he says he puts in plenty of extra work but because he is hired through a temp agency they are not likely going to hire him. Well because then they would have to give him a few more bucks.

'Sex is like a game of bridge, if you haven't got a good partner you'd better have a damn good hand.' Woody Allen

I am having a good day. My alarm chirped in my ears annoyingly but I was quickly distracted by the wandering hands and smiling face of my lover. He isn't always awakened by me at five-forty-five, but when he is it is always with a bright smiley face. I showed him a picture I had found that I particularly liked of him. I said something about how we need to have another photoshoot soon. I am in love with my camera.

He had given me his old one months ago, but my phone has quite an upgrade on it. I plan to move all the pictures from the camera over to my phone. I can return his camera and he can do what he wishes with it. I am just so happy for having used it to record all of these wonderful memories. He said he got more enjoyment out of giving it to me than he would have giving it to the man at the pawn shop. He is truly the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

Baby, you my everything, you all I ever wanted
We can do it real big, bigger than you ever done it
You be up on everything, other hoes ain't never on it
I want this forever, I swear I can spend whatever on it

To think that out of the arms of tragedy and despair, a light could shine so bright as to evaporate all those tears. I would have drowned if it wasn't for him. I was left as good as dead. I remember I could equate the feeling to being at the bottom of the ocean looking up to the darkness that blacked out the sun. You could scream but nothing would ever hear you. I could swim, but the trip up just seemed too far. The ball and chain of grief kept me glued to the bottom. But now I am free of all this.

I have never been so happy that I can remember. I can't wait to come home to him tonight. I look forward to our weekly escapades and meeting up with his cousin and Allie.

I say you the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the best I ever had, best I ever had
Best I ever had, best I ever had

I love you :)

i_will_be_fine

You can't change a person's mind once their mind is set. It's not like I'm not used to things like this happening. These are my last words on the subject for now. I'm not going to let it hang over my head. I will step out of the way and walk on. When god closes a door, he opens a window. Not that I believe that bullshit anyway. But I will be OK, I always come out OK in the end, and this will be no exception. It's a shame, nonetheless, but it's not my call. If it were up to me, things would be a bit different.

On the brighter side of the blackness I have started hanging out with some new people. I would sound like a broken record if I said what I wanted to say, so I will just say this: it's nice to have another person to talk to. The other day in my infinite boredom, I decided that instead of staying home and wallowing, I would go visit Sean and Allie. We hung out for a long while and watched some interesting TV series and just talked about life. I find it great that Nick's cousin seems to really like that I am in his life. That I am beautiful, not-crazy, and charming to be around... I know, it sounds weird to say. I never thought I was all that special. But these people seem to think I am....

Nick talks about me when I am not there. It made me feel warmth inside to hear that he pays attention to the things I say and even proudly relays them to other people in his life... He is such a beautiful person, not only in body but in mind.

I am looking forward to moving soon with him. I think we will do just fine. My parents think we will do just fine. They have never approved of me moving in with a boy before this one. Hell, they invited him to stay without even asking me... O___O Maybe they want to replace me :P I wouldn't doubt it. There are few people with the qualities that he possesses. We are peeerfect together. I think time will just make it show even more.

don't_say_i_didn't_try

I most definitely did. Yet again I find myself missing someone. This is a vital flaw within myself. I want so badly what I once had. This is not the way for me to live because I am one who constantly who is constantly losing things. Friendships. Partners. Family. I do tell myself that perhaps it is that I need to accept the lack of permanence in all things in my life in order to be happy. I need to accept that friends will become ghosts. I need to accept that family will die. I need to accept that lovers will fade. I need to accept that I can depend on nothing... To pretend that something will last is only a bitter delusion that will always end in me being disappointed and confused. You were one of those people I was hoping I would keep as a friend. I kept trying until it just became too awkward for me. The cold one liners where once paragraphs had once spouted left me deterred. I did learn a lot from you. Perhaps one day you will seek to talk to me again. But for now I'll let you have your space and silence until you decide it is time. I am not going to keep thwacking at a dying horse until I kill it for good. See... I'm still hopeful somehow. I need to cut that shit out... This time it's the conversations I miss. It's a shame because we used to talk rather often. But now I just watch your blog and note the times I see you on my buddy list. I do miss you, I'm just tired of trying and being shrugged off (story of my life).

Well my car is having that problem again where it rides really rough after a period of time. It is kind of annoying. I have been depressed the past few days. I have taken a measure least advisable, but I think it's going to work out. I'm tired of the poisons in my body. I guess also there is no one for me to annoy with my eccentricities besides Sir Nick. He doesn't seem to mind the occasional low mood. I think he sees it as an opportunity. He takes me in his arms and I talk about the problems I am having and he gives me reasons to believe it will be ok. I guess it may be another one of those delusions, but... The happiness I feel afterward is real. His smile melts away any sadness I feel. His voice drives away uncertainty. He makes me feel like I am worth something. He's the only person I know I can talk to every day.

I haven't spoken to Keli since last week either. It seems like everyone is disappearing off the face of the earth again. I know she is busy with doctors appointments and trying to get her license back. We shared a great night where I felt closer to her than I have in a long time. I'm sure there will be more moments like that. Maybe one day soon she will even hang out with my soon to be boyfriend of six months. I'm scrambling to keep the few friends I have left.

Really, I have it down to four. Nick, Keli, Alyssa, and Brian. Everyone else has become a ghost.

It's not that I didn't try. I just know when I'm not wanted.

oh_oh_oh_oh_it's_time_to_win

I have a goal, I want to move by the end of next month. Maybe the month after. I want to be settled by my birthday. I need to make some time to look for a place with my soon to be roommate. I really hope things work out... or rather I know they will work out. I was filled with uncertainty in the beginning, but it's hard to ignore his devotion to me.

I am the luckiest girl alive. Really. No denying it. While I am doing what I must my boy is being good. Or rather I'm his girl. The other way around.

Nothing can bring me down now. I'm flying so high.

is_a_bitch

get_used_to_it

I got to spend some time with Keli and Alyssa this weekend. It is kind of funny how a door always closes just as one opens. I have a feeling I am no longer welcome around a circle of friends because I did not attend a party one preceding weekend. Or maybe they just realised that I am in fact the cunt I have claimed to be.

I am tired today. After spending long hours with my lover this weekend I am as exhausted as I am refreshed. Keli and I bonded on Friday night with some rum and old horror. I had not felt so close in a long time. As I said though. Perhaps I closed the door myself. But I guess the way things are is how they will be. I should remember that you can't trust anyone to be yours forever. Even friends.

This is cold given what I just said... I know. But I will move on. Live on. Make new friends. Maybe even keep some old ones. But I have this attitude right now that haters can all eat it. When I am wanted I will be here. But I don't like the frosty deposition I either feel or imagine. Besides. Here I am loved for now. When it gets cold here I will fund another gate to slip through.

I do miss all of you. Story of my life. But whatever perhaps I was only tolerated in the first place.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

back.away.very.slowly

I am tired of my own bullshit. I can be pretty oblivious when I want to be.

Outside of that I feel happy today. I feel calm today.

It's Friday.

I don't want to think about the things that are now currently bothering me. So for once, I think I won't.

Good day.

i_say_i_don't_care

but_in_all_actuality_:_i_do

Things are going along quite like I thought they would. Work is going well and is rather robotic in nature. I don't mind, I like that kind of thing. A place where you must check, and check, and talk to yourself a little, then check it again. I'm sure it will be more strenuous after I am out of the training phase, but I feel pretty comfortable doing these things. (The worse I could do is create a crash in house).

I feel myself getting angry every once in a while. I hate it when I'm right and I don't want to be. I hate it when I'm right and everyone looks the other way. But why should I care? The things I have lost/are losing are doing this of their own regard. I've tried to stick my paddle in the water, but I only get angry, hurt glances. So, what do I do? I wait.

I wish he would just open up the doors and talk to me again. But the last time I tried anything it only ended up brutally pissing us both off. Maybe I should be mad. For once. Maybe I should be. Some sick part of me wishes the worst. I want him to regret what he did. I want him to go after some heartless bitch (which I guess was the pattern) only to have her rip his heart out for me. To show him that it really wasn't all that bad. I want him to suffer alone, I hope he does... I'm sick. Hate really does make a demon out of you. I would never do anything though.

But I hope he hurts for breaking his only promise, the only one that would really matter: "We will always be friends". What a fucking crap-shoot that was. A huge waste of time for me. I came out with scars and a better understanding of the world, I made some good friends through him I suppose. Maybe he came along to show me that I need to up my standards to be truly happy. I guess it doesn't matter, all I see now is a spoiled brat.

I hate you and I wish I had never met you.

Why I waste my time thinking about you... I don't know.

Heh, at least I can writhe in your lack of success (probably due to a lack of effort) in life still. I hate how I do this. I need a drink.

I need to just forget about you, forget about friendship, forget about all that wasted time, forget about those miserable days where I had no standards.

I have found the love of my life.
He loves me too.
He is not lazy.
He doesn't turn me away.
He owns me.
I am his babe.
I am happy.

If everyone else wants to disappear too, I couldn't give a fuck.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

ramble_ramble

I am happy with the way things are going. Matt has been spending more and more time around me. It is good to see him coming around the house more and keeping away from his mother. She has crippled him in more ways than he could ever know. I used to have such a shaken relationship with the boy. Now it's Warren who has become the resident slave over at Mom's. He is strung along with on a powdery leash. Mom always gets what she wants. Her latest feat of manipulation involved her buying a puppy (that she says she doesn't have money for, that we all know is a lie) to dangle in front of Warren and Matt's hungering fingertips. Warren is her little pet now. I suppose it's better him than Matt or I. It's sad to say, but Warren has been a big piece of scum for a while now... I think he deserves to wallow with scum. But what... I'm a bitter old wench anyway.

Nick is a huge part of my life now. I see him almost every day. It amazes me the breadth and depth of his affection for me. He never fails to surprise me. It is like I can do no wrong. He doesn't mind my desire to be held, he doesn't mind my displays of affection. When I bog down the sink to do dishes, he is right there with his hands on my back telling me how he is thankful. It is the little things that only take a moment. There are many brief moments that stick in my head. When I approached slowly with a chain around my neck and he took my head in the palm of my hand and told me I was beautiful. These things had been missing for me. I never really understood that these were the things I couldn't go without (and shouldn't go without).

He started talking to his ex again. He even had the courtesy to ask me about that. Not that he is ever even remotely flirtatious with her, he never blurbs bad things about me to her either. He assured me that there was no way he would leave me for her (or for anyone for that matter). I only smiled and said I didn't think he would anyway. It's odd how easy he is to trust... well actually... it's not odd at all. He is literally... always there. He assures me daily, hourly, that he loves me. He shows me by giving me affection when I don't ask for it. I remember when I had suspected things before it was distance that I felt.. well, I was right then. I'm probably right now :)

There was only one piece about this whole thing that made me uncomfortable. I remember he had said he was fighting with his ex over things, and he mentioned to me something to be angry about. But now, they are able to talk and put it behind them... everything. Any resentment, anger, their relationship, has been brushed aside in favor of friendship. I guess it's jealousy I feel. I wish my EX was able to grow up and get over what happened between us... because well... by comparison it wasn't all that bad. But I guess I shouldn't be jealous. Lies are lies. There is no reason for me to struggle to make someone realize that all this bitterness is not worth it, it's not like he would listen to me anyway. I guess I just wish he had made true to his promise "We will be friends no matter what"... yeah.. well bullshit on that one. I guess in a few years from now when I am hopefully still in the arms of my current lover, I won't even remember his name. Hey, at least I am still friends with my first EX (it astounds me that my first ended up being more mature than my second). I doubt he even cares. I doubt he even remembers my name. I'm glad I didn't go to that party, it was not worth the potential chance to see him there. Now that would have been awkward...

Well I am at least glad that I can move on with my life and take steps forward... even if I will forever occasionally glance back and wonder what became of that boy that stole my heart for three years.

Oh well... I guess it's his loss.

rather_be_happy_than_right

you've_got_a_lot_of_nerve_you_tricked_me
i_am_trying_to_help

I couldn't sleep last night. The stress is ripping me apart. Nick told me last night he hasn't seen me seize up again since the last time. But I still worry. This is serious. I could hurt myself or others. I could be walking down some stairs and pass out...

I have to stay up now until my appointment at 7:00am. Shower and clean my scalp, no caffeine, no alcohol... NO SLEEP. Nick volunteered to keep me up tonight, I am so grateful for him. I didn't even have to ask. I have never felt such devotion. It is hard for me to fully understand. I thought I was the one messed up... I thought it was ALL me. But it's not. There are people out there like me. There are lost puppy lovers who cling to the heels of their masters and mates. Everything had come to feel so temporary... Like I couldn't depend on my lover to be at my side tomorrow morning... and I was right. I was right. But this feels different... Or am I just blind? I can recognize that not many people would go out on a limb like that just to help me. There are a notable few that I see as permanents in my life.

I've come to see Nick as one.

I see his smile and my insides roar and then give. When I think of those hands and fingers, and a softly rising and falling chest, I feel so at home. When I imagine him tugging at my hair and lifting my chin with his fingers to look at me... I feel loved. I feel at peace. He doesn't have to work hard to understand me. We come from a similar place. We are both just a little misunderstood. We both grew up in the same towns and areas. We both came from the same social class. We saw true hardship, and thus can recognize it for what it is when we see it.

It's too late for me... I'm sucked in. I'm addicted. Maybe if I'm lucky it will be a few years before I drive this one into the ground too... But ignorance is bliss.

I'de rather be happy than right.

But... ... I do hope that I can be right too. Maybe this time, I will be right. If not, there is no shortage of assholes out there to pick from. I'm sure it wouldn't take long...

So when a dog fight's hog-tied prize sort of costs a life
The mouths water on a fork and knife
And the allure isn't right
It's gore on a war-torn beach
Where the cash cow's actually beef
Blood turns wine when it leak for police
Like that's not a riot, it's a feast, let's eat

a_show_of_hands

My heart flutters when you lay your hands on me.

I feel it in my guts when I bring back those images and those moments. I am drugged by your elegance and your intelligence. It's nice to know someone can see beyond my glassy eyes and bright blue lines tracing in my head. I love you. You have no idea. It feels good to belong to someone... to belong.

I need you like I need air, water, and food. I'm pretty sure I would die if you just up and left... *sigh* Not really. I was talking about this the other day. That coldness in me that is frightened that everyone in my life will walk away at the drop of a hat.. this includes you too. You can't count on friends, on family, on lovers... You can only depend on yourself. I even have reservations about saying that. I have not been there for myself when I needed it. So I run on empty until the fumes are spent and my body collapses. Tonight I will collapse, crying, into a ball, alone, hoping that the chemicals can run through my head faster than these thoughts do.

I'm destined to fail, isn't that what my life story has shown you?

I remembered this morning to stop off at the medicine cabinet before rushing out the door. It should help. I'm still scared about my head, but I don't think it has happened in a few days as far as I can tell. But then again how could I know?

As usual, I will be ok. I am not balanced.

But I did want to note that I had a wonderful night last night. That RnR was a little overdue. But I'm a little better for having spent the night in your arms.

I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning suns
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?