i.am.your.worst.nightmare

despair

2012-02-12T15:06:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to ignore everything and refrain from reacting. I was able to go out Friday to bowl and hang out with my brother Matt and his girlfriend. I feel lethargic and find myself apologizing and feeling sorry all the time. But Nick and I have played all weekend.

I was going to try and see my friend who has been on my mind all of this time... but I couldn't. I feel somber at this realisation. She told me I've changed. This is true. The thought infects and sickens me pike a virus. I am a waste... I was reading that she had lots of fun as usual with her friends. I see something different now. She actually has friends who will have a good time with her... who would want to see me when the other option was to have a good time with good people?

Sigh. I have already lost. I know there is nothing I can do and nothing more will come of this unless I change. Lucky for me there are still people out there who love me and want me around. What about when they start feeling the same? I know one day I will have to leave this place... maybe then I could pretend to be someone people will like to be around. Neither her or her friends will tolerate me anymore. I guess I am a little mixed because I know they have their problems too... they use her for beer, rides, and other things... and I never have... but I am the one cast aside when I needed her the most.... its depressing but I will have to get over it if I want to survive and keep the few people I have left....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

on.the.burden.of.anxiety

2012-02-07T10:37:00.002-05:00

I feel a lot of anxiety lately. I don't want to admit that there might be something gravely wrong but I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I am afraid of what is to come. The boy is growing increasingly restless and so am I.

Last weekend we went out for the Superbowl to be with people and avoid idleness at all costs. We spent Friday with his cousins. Saturday we spend with my grandmother and afterward went and saw my brother and his girlfriend. Sunday we went out to his Mother's for the Superbowl. Yesterday, I stayed home from work after a long and grueling weekend to recover.

I can feel the anxiety hanging in the air. We will need to make some hard decisions fairly soon. I can't help but think that this will be a heavy trial with an even heavier cost. I lost my mind the other day and we spent the rest of our hours trying to forget why we were so worried. I have turned inside with nowhere else to go. This weekend we will try to do it all again. We will try our best to keep occupied.

We keep talking and coming to the conclusion that we just need more friends. It's hard living in between. I am too far from my old friends back home and too far from any potential friends I could make at work.

I feel listless as our paths may part soon. He has his mother he needs to help and I have a career I need to cultivate. I wouldn't resent it if it came down to this. I just know I would be lonely. I told him softly the other day that if it came down to our paths separating I would wait for him. My heart would be ready when we would come back together again. Though, I sincerely hope it will not come to this, I have the strength to endure if it does.

I try not to worry about it. With the coming of Spring our decisions will have been made and I will move forward with them. It is all that I can do.

I haven't talked to my friend since last week. I'm afraid it will be awhile. I can't seem to bring myself to disturb her again. I'm too needy and she is too busy. That is just how it is... I feel too ashamed to ask for anything more than this solemn nothing. I know people change. I've changed.

I feel this weight upon me and it is unmovable. Like a cancer it spreads its tendrils and violates all that I loved and cherished till I believe in nothing. I will destroy him and myself if given the chance. Will I know to run before it is too late? I have the highest hopes for us, and that is what keeps me going on this path. I tell myself to endure. That ONE DAY it will be easier and we will be happy with ourselves and our home. I feel we need to stick together and that we will pull each other through this. I see no other hands outstretched besides his. We will take turns pulling each other up the slippery slope till we reach the apex... perhaps then we will have nothing left to fear.

realisations

2012-01-31T20:07:00.001-05:00

I have been rash... and hard on the people I love. I am reminded that we have been through so much. The stench of soap fills my nose along with the bitterness of my own breath. I.... am at a loss of what to say. I wonder if I should seek the help I have always been so disinclined to ask for. I feel like I am dying... not physically, but in an intellectual and emotional way.

My writings have been a raw and unaltered show of my fits of emotion... but perhaps I seek something more refined....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

its.ok

2012-01-29T15:53:00.001-05:00

I have been doing some thinking. We are going through a hard time and life has shown me that you can't depend on anyone but yourself. I have to rely on me and not my friends to carry me through this. No one is going to be there for me and its short sighted of me to even think that was a possibility.

I am here with Nick and he is playing Nintendo 64 while I watch and I could not be happier. My friend had another party that I wasn't invited to. I am trying not to be bitter. This time she tried to hide it too and I find that funny. I am a sucker and a fool. My best friend is sitting here with me. I am going to just back off. I know there will come a time when she will miss me and will seek me out. I can't be the one trying to force myself into her life. That is social rape. So as far as I'm concerned we are still friends, just long distance friends. I don't need her and she doesn't need me. This is ok with me now somehow... a few days ago it was killing me. But I have cried enough because of her. I want to be here happy with my baby.

This may sound cruel but I look forward to when she finally remembers me and I can put out my palm and say sorry, but we are back at square one. Maybe I can fit you in sometime after I am done with my real companions. People who were there for me when I needed it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

screaming

2012-01-27T13:26:00.000-05:00

The boy informed me that I have started and groaning, turning, and talking in my sleep. It is all incoherent but it is generally easy to infer that I am not happy. This is not the first time. This probably won't be the last time either. I am worried. NO NO NO NO NO NO NOThose were the only real words that could be discerned.

I miss my friend but I told her off today finally... This is affecting me. She just yelled and complained and said she didn't respond because she had no time... but she had time for them. And made up excuses. I'm just going to go away.I need help, I need someone.... the one person I thought I needed can't be there for me. I understand I guess. She has her own life. I need to make new friends.... I need to make new friends or die....Or at least I thought.... She said she still loves me. She reminded me of something

Her Phone: I just wish you would see me like you used to. A good friend..someone to talk to no matter what the issue. Someone to lean on when your sad..but at this point I feel some frusteration in your life is being targeted at me because I'm there to hear it. Do me a favor. Close your eyes just for a second. Think of all we've been through. Do you know what I think of? Burning our hands with cigarettes. Snuggling on my bed after a long night of drinking. The twinkle in your eye when I handed you a rose. Only the most interesting, beautiful and unique flower could have expressed you like that. The way I want to just tackle you when I see you after its been a while. And..staring in your eyes while we slowdanced. At one point..you were happy shay. I want to do anything I can to help you. No matter how many times we have to tiff. I'll still be here telling you I love you. You shouldn't sit there and say you fucked up. We all fuck up! I don't hold any hostility towards you whatsoever. I completely understand your having a miserable time. Just don't cut me out for the love of god please x.x

I can't go through life alone like this or I will lose my humanity... If I even still have any. I fantasize about dying all the time now... I'm scaring myself. I'm too much of a coward to do it though... right?There is nowhere to go... the darkness goes on forever in all directions. I want so dearly to be not alone but I don't know where to go. Even if everyone had their hand on me I think I would still be alone because I made myself this way.I wish I had the courage to die and protect those in my life from me.

consumed.by.anger

2012-01-27T09:01:00.003-05:00

I am in a lot of pain and consumed by anger. I am ravaged by it. I had told my friend that I was not happy with being ditched every weekend and she reacted like I thought she would. She said she didn't mean to. They were just closer, they were just more convenient, she really did want to see me... and maybe this weekend since she knew I was suffering. But yesterday she ignored all of my attempts to contact her. I feel cold and lifeless today. I told her in a final message that I understand why she is doing this. I had read yet again (at least premtively) that she is ditching me again for her friends.I have been in so much pain. We found out the other day that the boy's step-father is dying. He is in a lot of pain and I am an emotional vampire. I had a panic attack a few nights ago where I was unable to breath. The boy was afraid for me, but really I wasn't so afraid for myself. I laid down to sleep yesterday and the boy played games on the computer to sooth me and allow me to sleep. When I finally awoke Nick turned to me and told me I scream in my sleep. It doesn't surprise me... the horrors I see when I am awake and asleep it's a surprise I'm not screaming all the time.I was in the car with him when he broke down a few days ago. Hearing him cry with such anguish and fury... I wished to take the wheel from his hands and steer us into the walls of the highway. First slowly unclicking my seatbelt and his. There would be no more pain. If there is a god, we would be closer to him... I feel it every day now. I have no reason to live. I struggle daily just to have food for us to eat. I am harassed daily by loan companies that don't care if I starve or if I am injured just as long as they get their precious dollar bills. My brother is going to be a father and he wasn't even so good at being a brother. I am alone. I feel like I have no friends besides Nick anymore. My best friend doesn't care for me anymore... I don't blame her. I just wish she'd leave me alone now. I want to go make new friends but I don't know how. Friends who actually want my company, want my presence.... someone who can see something else other than this miserable monster that I am. I'm afraid that's all that's left though.I don't want to lose the boy but I feel like it might happen. I am distant, despondent, lost in my mind. I imagine razors. I dream about leaving my friends, family, and loves for solitude and destruction. It would be a fitting end for me. Maybe then I won't watch the world go to shit... It can watch me go to shit on the evening news.

i.don't.hate.you

2012-01-23T09:06:00.001-05:00

I realized something for what may be the thousandth time... I had made plans to see my best girlfriend and again nothing came of it. I wasn't surprised really, but it hurt just as much as it did every other time. I read blurbs on her face-book about how she was hanging out with her other friends as usual. The ones she says don't mean as much to her as I do, but the ones she has the time and the patience to hang out with. I knew this was going to happen, and when it did I still felt violated. I was also invited to a party for a friend, but those plans also fell through. I broke up inside but my exterior remained thorny and strong. I coldly told myself that it didn't matter, turned to the boy and said that we should get some beers and have ourselves a good time. If I couldn't party with my best friend I'll be damned if I wasn't going to party. I took down those cans fast and and with determination. If I knew one thing, it was that this could take away the pain inside. It did. I don't remember much besides Nick holding my hair and me apologizing for being pathetic. I awoke the next morning with my head pounding. I again reduced myself to a pathetic drunk.Nick turned to me the next morning "Guess what we forgot to do..." and while I wanted to cry I threw him words of encouragement. It was because I myself felt so terrible. I am a horrible person and I am sinking into the depths of despair. I was hurt, and I hurt myself, and I thwarted our own efforts by it. I feel sick. I wonder if things will ever end up ok. LIFE is hard. I need to be harder. I can't keep doing this. I think I just want to be alone. If I keep on trying to get together, I will just keep being disappointed. I need to distance myself again. That's what I have to do in times like this. It hurts. Oh god it hurts. I don't want to live today. It hurts to be awake...I am in despair. I am considering leaving everyone and everything behind so that it doesn't spread like a curse. I am no good. And anyone who tries to tell me otherwise is lying to my face. You say you care? Then why every time I try to see you, you come up with some convenient excuse so it doesn't happen... then I find out you were really with the people you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. It's not me. It was never me. It's all one big fucking lie to try and make one pathetic girl love herself. Well cut it out... it's not helping. Maybe if I was a retard and couldn't see all this going on around me.... I could only WISH for that kind of ignorance. I hate myself, I hate everyone. I hate the world. Why the fuck am I still here?

run.away

2012-01-17T18:22:00.001-05:00

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel stupid and inferior because while everyone else around me can make a life I am struggling with harassment from loan companies, my own sick head, and a growing disposition toward solitude.

I am trapped... and I don't think there is any way out.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

choking.on.the.will.to.survive

2012-01-12T10:19:00.003-05:00

It has been hard trying to deal with the monsters in my head. I watched Taxi To The Dark Side, a documentary on 'interrogation tactics' used by the US military in Afghanistan. As I laid there on the bed watching, at first I found myself making cruel jokes... Like who cares? These people deserve it. Half way though I started to feel sick, and the tears rolled down my face. We are all truly monsters. We make men into monsters...And I am a monster. I have been a wreck the past few days. I can't help but wonder if I will be tired and weak forever. Have I been truly broken?I asked him to make me cry. So, there in the shower with the water cool and berating my body, I was tense, shaking. The images in my head were painful and distracting. I ground my teeth together painfully and I found I couldn't look at him anymore. His fingers pushed down my throat and no words needed to be exchanged. I recoiled and whimpered pathetically and there in the falling rain drops the tears ran down my cheeks. It was strangely liberating then as he turned off the water and handed me a towel and pulled my wet face upward to look at him. He said I made progress and I managed to smile. He took me in his arms and dried off my body and I stood there a submissive. My head and well-being I had entrusted to his hands. He took me and I cried more into his chest until I could bring no more tears. My chest lifted and I felt light. I felt his hands clenching my hair that was still damp and I closed my eyes. The tension fell from me all at once.It is truly something special to give yourself away to another. I have always been a submissive and felt... unfulfilled by other roles I have played. But he put a little spark in my eyes, and I knew when he smiled back at me that THIS is why he was smiling. I have made a best friend. I don't ever need to feel alone... I'll keep telling myself this. And in every corner, the shadows lay and wait for me. I am truly delusional. The lack of proper sleep, and the mental torture loops I run on myself. I wonder... maybe one day I will be wiser from all of this...

waste

2011-12-26T12:43:00.001-05:00

I woke to the realization this morning that I can't keep a sane, happy, and clean home. My awful resulting mood is contagious and I tried to make it a point to say that its not worth going into.... but he pried of course. I guess he feels that's his job.

I don't know. I woke and stared at the marks on my arm and wished I had never promised not to make more. I just want to rot in solitude. I think that may be the natural course of my life anyway. Always trying to keep myself out of a ditch or a grave is becoming too much work. Why not let nature takes its course? I will end up there either way... its just a matter of how many people I would rope into coming to my funeral. Now I think the numbers would be at an all time low... and I feel better about that than anything....

I hate the holidays but not nearly as much as I simply hate myself. As I write these words I feel solemn. It's painful to realise that I was never going to make it out ok. I was doomed from the start. I am just a waste. A person who wants but never seeks to achieve. I am laughing because this path for release will end the same... I will want but never achieve it.... I am a glutton for punishment....

I wish there was a way out that I wasn't too fucking lazy to reach for. Perhaps God will show me the 'mercy' he had shown to all those drowning in Noah's flood... eh... but I think he may be more of a sadist.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

done

2011-12-04T14:55:00.001-05:00

I am writing with some fury in me due to recent frustrations. The realization that you love someone so much more than they would ever love you is a painful enough realization to bear. Bit something the lies they tell you about your value to them is driving me into madness. I feel furious that I am the only one who bothers to try and keep us together while she complains about her sparse social life... sparce is hardly the word. She parties with her real friends whenever I'm not around and is 'broke' or simply unwilling whenever I try to initiate something. I have to practically fight my best friend for her to even notice me.... perhaps I am a fool. I don't have anything left here. Perhaps its time I stopped grasping wt the frayed ends of a friendship that probably is no longer real. I can't stomach the lies and the guilt anymore.... she probably won't notice anyway. This will hurt me more deeply than I can imagine... but I suppose it is better for the both of us if I just let go finally. Then I can be one step closer to my lonesome solace.

It is bittersweet....

I wish it was different but I was just lying to myself too. I am.not a good friend either. And I can't be with all of this pain and jealousy. I am going to disappear. If she fails to notice my assumptions are confirmed and she will be happier without my meddling. If I am wrong she will seek me out if she really needs me... then maybe then she will understand.... I don't know.... it rips me apart and I long to talk to her even now. But I am so so so very hurt.... this is for the best. I can only hope this won't drive me into madness. I hope... hope so hard I am wrong......... but I don't know....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

questions

2011-11-30T20:14:00.001-05:00

With me its all about asking the right questions. There are few avenues I feel able to communicate about myself. Trust is something I don't give out so freely anymore. I learned that from repeated betrayal. I don't even know who I am sometimes. But I like to think that I can paint it easily in black and white. For certain subjects. Anonymity and promises of blathering fiction are my masks.

But some people have earned it with their questions. I like to think I pick these few well... and I guess you too. Whoever you are.

It can make a person feel gripped by the madness of trying to keep up a game face.

I try to keep my lives separate. But lately it has been growing murky. Who am I to you? My life is a mosaic of secrets.

I sometimes wish to leave it behind. To see what I would become then. Perhaps my past would fade away like a story told a long time ago by a person who's face you can't even remember. Maybe I would let the animal win then. With no one to express shame to could i? I would live a ruthless unforgivable life. Of that I am almost certain.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

dying

2011-11-29T07:07:00.001-05:00

I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into distress. I was almost too ashamed to show my face today because of all the sick time I have been taking. But I am blinded by need. My head refuses to shut down and I roll around in despair knowing if only there was no mark for daybreak I probably could.

I don't know how long I can take this.... I plastered my face with color to even out my pale features. I am afraid all this stress and illness will end up costing me if it continues.

I feel like I am dying. If I lose everything again... I don't know. Maybe i would be better off that way.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

i.am.not.not.afraid

2011-09-29T20:21:00.001-04:00

But sometimes I really wish I was...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

how.much.can.I.take

2011-09-23T20:36:00.001-04:00

I often wonder what may have become of me if I did not suffer so. Lately my life has been in order. The inside still churn with negativity. I remember a few months ago I was wishing that someone would notice if I was sliding downhill. This is very selfish of course.... I have dreams sometimes where I am 'saved'. I woke up this morning in a stupor. I was crying. Saved? Me? There are very few people on this earth who know anything about me.

This... is also very selfish.

I can only think of the torment I brought to others... lately I have wished to simply be forgotten.

I am making friends at work and this... bothers me. Its hard to explain with any precision. I just have an opportunity to be whatever I wish... you know... whatever they want.... sigh. I am safe in this one place. Till the clouds come at least.

I used to dream a lot... I would dream while awake. Dreams of violence, honor, struggle, and sacrifice... it was the one place I felt safe. Now... when I sleep I am tormented... how could a place of fortitude just... disappear? They are replaced with horrors I can't describe...

I haven't slept much because of it. A friend at work commented on my fatigue... it shows... I can't sleep safely. Arms bound across my chest helps... but once the imagination takes over they become ropes, snakes, paralyzation.. ....

I ... just kinda wish it could be a time of peace....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

the.thing.with.wings

2011-09-04T20:23:00.001-04:00

The last few days have been a display of indulgence. I have spent the past few days in a happy stupor. I think I deserve it too. Things have been going exceptionally well at work and I am showing my worth and skills and I am being acknowledged for it. It feels good. Those empty feelings have receded. I am overall rather pleased with my life. Sure I don't live like a princess but I couldn't be happier.

It has been amazing to me to feel such Passion for another person and to have it reflected back. Waking up is such a happy moment for me. Either its to his smiling face or to him sleeping peacefully with his arms wrapped around me. He protects me and encourages me. He praises and scolds me. There is a well of kindness in him. When I make him breakfast he thanks me. When I buckle down in despair he smiles to me and holds me tight. It's like he just knows me so well inside and out. His kisses are warm and familiar. My heart flutters at twelve in the morning when I hear the door creak open.

Love is a wonderful thing that heals. The spontaneous nature he has meshes with mine and we have the most amazing adventures at home, out in the world, and in bed.

I am overwhelmed by these pleasant feelings. It is the best drug imaginable. Who would have thought that I could be loved like this? Me with my flaws and quirks... but he takes each thing in me and celebrates it.

I can't wait till he gets home and I can show him what I feel.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

selenophobia

2011-08-19T08:41:00.000-04:00

I remember that as a child I would sit under the night sky and I would be overwhelmed by the massiveness of it all. I knew that I saw a small white blotted circle that was smaller than one of my fingernails, but this object was 7.36 × 10^22 kilograms. Something so unimaginably and almost intangibly huge was hovering above my head. If with a single word it could be commanded to crush me it most surely could. If you think I feared this you would be correct. I would look up and see stars that were bigger and further away and the fear would grow. The sun during the day would fascinate me as the largest, closest thing to us.

It stirs something within me to realize I am so insignificant. I am but a small spec on a tiny rock in the middle of a vast... open.... space.

Why would the universe be designed to be so infinite seeming? It is essentially endless.

Something my Dad told me. An old Native American story about children. Children come from the dream world and end up in this world. They enter it screaming and crying because they are afraid. This is unlike anything they have ever seen. You need to make them feel welcome in this world. Those who didn't feel the warmth die and return to the dream world. This is what happens when a child doesn't feel welcome here. You come across a child in it's slumber and they seem so relaxed, so calm, even smiling. This is because they have a strong connection to this dream world when they are young and they feel safe in their slumber. I was taken aback.

Humanity has always come up with reasons for why there should be something more than what we can see... I see a child smiling in their sleep and I see a child dreaming about something pleasant. I see a child crying and I see a child in need of something. Fairly simple analysis. An uninhabited analysis.

I prefer my father's way of seeing things.

The vastness of reality is sobering. I often put on the blinders so I can only process what is right in front of me. But I want a full 360 degree view.

There's a door open to walk through
All I want is, just beyond
What if I could let my guard down
Into freedom, on and on.

failure_to_comply

2011-08-11T13:37:00.000-04:00

Maybe this is what it's like when your mind just suddenly gives out. I can't seem to keep up with the rudimentary tasks that everyone else can do. Work. Keeping the house clean. Trying to pretend I'm not fucking insane.

Hell who even knows if I can keep the boy happy anymore... He still says he loves me. I might too if I had to watch such a pathetic creature try and struggle to just wake up and breath.

I have failed, officially, and utterly. I am a failure. I am made of practically nothing but fail. This is all I can hear in my head.

I have isolated myself away from everyone. Perhaps in some kind of attempt to be alone in my final moments. So I can remember what that darkness really looked like. I don't even know what I am capable, but I am capable of ending THIS... right? I failed before and dragged so many people through the dirt. All for my own selfish, desperate needs. I am not going to let that happen again. When I go down this time I'm going to make sure it's all by myself. Then I won't be in need of a rescue.

If I don't hurry up and change something I am going to lose everything again. Make no mistake, it's entirely my fault. I am the reason for my failure. Only I.

The only sane thing to do in this time of situation is to cut off the part that's infected and seal the wound. That way I can keep the infection of hate, and pain, and worthlessness from filtering outwards to the already pathetic and helpless masses. God forbid I had ever created another parasite of myself. But I am soon enough for that.

I am going to stop writing for a while. Either until I have something good to say or nothing at all.

blackout

2011-08-08T13:46:00.000-04:00

I woke up late, very late. So I decided to do something productive. I began folding clothes, I went to the store and bought some food. I waited for my roomate and lover to return from work. He did as I was stepping out of the bathroom, freshly showered and delicious. We decided that we wanted to play.

Ropes bound my wrists, and I remember writhing in pleasure. Ecstasy one moment... then without warning, I suddenly found myself yelling. Nick looked down at me and asked me if I could hear him, if I was ok. All I could do was cry. What? What happened? I KNEW what had happened, there is only one thing that would make me feel that way. I had been out for five minutes, he informed me. I don't know what I would do without him. I curled up into a ball. I couldn't believe it had just happened again... or that it had happened while we were in the middle of... mmm... you know...

I spent some time curled up in my protector's arms. I was taken down a few notches. I hate that I do these things. I hate that I can't seem to be anywhere near the realm of normal. I don't want to need to be taken care of. He said he would support me in any avenue I chose to take. He is truly the best. It is nice to know, that no matter what... I don't have to go through this alone. I kept telling him last night now afraid I was. But he doesn't look down on me for it. I remember feeling comforted as I laid with my nose in his chest, sobbing in frustration. He held me tight and I could feel his fingers in my hair.

Tonight we try again.

need.it

2011-08-01T19:41:00.001-04:00

I am suffering and it is very clear. I find it ever more difficult to even pretend. To lie. Smiling when inside I am trying to strangle myself. I sleep too much or I don't sleep.

Nick awoke me the other night and I was screaming in terror again...

I hate to say it... but I really want my meds again.. I want them... oh god... I want to trade some comfort for sanity... I dream about it every night now.. every single night. I remember... I replay. I feel discusting... I can't even go out. Too long around people and maybe the monster will come out. Then another person will know I am not what I appear to be....

I don't even know what I am. I'm an animal. A beast with yellow eyes crying for a bloody harvest. I need my meds. I need them. Resisting my vices is taking everything I have.

How could I have ever thought I would be ok without them...? Seizures or insanity?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

earth

2011-07-24T21:31:00.001-04:00

I think I forgot why I am so angry... or maybe I just remember there is no point in life if you don't spend time enjoying it. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You got to let it go.

I want to start writing again.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

2011-07-20T17:05:00.000-04:00

Perhaps it is that I really don't have anything profound to say. I can't up but think of myself as the apex of patheticness. All of this hate is perhaps completely necessary... I know it isn't very helpful to me or anyone else. I can't let it go sometimes.

I feel like if I have nothing to give or say, then I should give and say nothing. But this is a selfish way to live. I feel so, useless around myself. It is like I can't keep up, or perhaps I don't want to keep up.

Nick showed me an essay he had written the senior year of high school that went into detail about his perspective on 'life'. It was perhaps a little bleak but overwhelmingly hopeful in some way. As if simply understanding the problem made it easier for him to bare the cruel results of his bleak outlook. He believes that things can change.

I've never really been one to hold out on optimism. I feel a lot of pain and panic and it cuts me to the bone. I'm afraid of most things from people to pincers. I find myself often hurt by the actions of others.

The other day I couldn't help but think what was the reason for my pathetic life? The people who's lives I've participated in have come and gone... and at the end of the century no one is going to know or care who I am.

I live a futile life. I can't change the world. I can't even change myself. There are parts of me I do like. But others I wrap my knuckles around and watch as my own face and fingers turn blue from the pressure.

People walk up to me and ask me what I like... I pause... What do I like? I like my boyfriend. I like the smell of grass. I like being blitzed out of my head.... I could go on but I think you get the point..

I have no reason to live. I have nothing I'm going to change... If anything my being here only hurts the planet and those in it... Wouldn't I be doing everyone and everything a favor if I just dissipated?

It's pains me.... I strive for close connections with people... Just now I was thinking there is only one thing I truly have any passion for... That is people. Others... friends, family, lovers. But I simply don't allow myself this. I can't.... I really can't. Because I see myself on one side of a tall fence and everyone else is on the other. I can't become close to them because I am something else... I'm a monster... I've been struggling too long with this.

I don't know what I'm going to do if these dreams do not stop....

fucking.lose.it

2011-06-29T11:52:00.001-04:00

I am going to lose it. I swear. There is nothing I can do in this world to make it ok. I am a waste of space and time. I should have killed myself a long time ago before people even bothered to get involved.

I am sitting in the bathroom stall at work trying to qwell the tears and pretend everything is ok... but ill I want is to drag a razor across my skin. Feel it digging in and tearing and ripping... as if that would even compare to the insufferable pain inside.

I want to do it... show everyone they were wrong. I am not invincible and I am not perfect. I cannot be pushed and pushed and pushed without something that begs to give.

I am going to lose it. I already am losing it. I can't ask for help anymore. I just want to sink. This time they can all Stand back and watch and whisper about how they knew I was weak and worthless like I have known for a long time. I can't take it.

I will show them.

I will show them what a mess really looks like. My brains splattered across the floor like an unwanted spaghetti dinner....

I am going to fucking lose it. I can't survive In this insufferable world anymore. There was never any room for me here.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

be_ok

2011-06-22T15:05:00.001-04:00

A few nights ago I was told that I talk a lot in my sleep. I was talking about moving code, and discussing which directories were correct. I made repetative noises and mumbled and moaned. I kept the boy up all night with my jargon. Of course I don't remember any of this somehow, despite that he woke me up a few times to try and get me to quiet down.

Last night the nightmares were terrible. I had a hard time sleeping to begin with between my brother and his friend climbing in the window, to Nick rousting me when he got home, to the pained images that keep resurfacing in my mind. It hurts... It really hurts. It hurts still with an unimaginable vigor. I am staring out the window today and it is raining, just as it is raining within me.

I drempt of probing, uninvited, fingers and awkward requests... I drempt of my brother dieing and it being my fault. I drempt up all that pain again. I wish I was just ok.

dear_agony

2011-06-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

please_let_go_of_me
suffer_slowly
is_this_the_way_it_has_to_be?
dear_agony

It is two weeks until I move. I am happy to finally be out of the house soon. I have been very low. It seems like every time I walk into a room with my step-mom, stepsister, and brother's girlfriend their whispers quiet up and they wait for me to walk by before continuing to banter on and complain about people (me included)... (I don't think they realize that just because I can't see them doesn't mean I can't hear them). Their ways were brought to my attention by Nick. I usually don't listen in because I don't care what these petty girls have to say about me or anyone else they want to bitch fest about... but god... they are so mean. I won't be listening in again anytime soon.

I have been feeling very hateful lately. I like to sink into the bottom of a bottle and forget. I heard it once said very aptly on a TV show I like "Black out as much as possible so that you don't remember the life that you had." I sure don't want to remember it sometimes. All of those painful moments. Every second is agony. Those brief moments when Nick is home is like bliss. I feel happy for once. For once I'm not surrounded by petty, hateful, women whispering behind my back about how I'm a distasteful slob but are too 'scared' to say it to my face... right... cause I am soooooo intimidating. Right... I will soon be free of all of these hateful bitches and then maybe I can live my life like a normal person. Nick is working hard to get a job on my time schedule... just for me. I am working hard to not lose it again in the meantime.

You have no idea how difficult it is... All I ever wanted was a family that gives a shit about me. But that is not the case. I know better. I KNOW better. I have never been loved. I have NEVER been loved... and I never will. Call me a whiney whimpering little cunt... but I have tried everything to get these people to like me. And yet when I turn over they are still whispering lies and hateful things to themselves about me and everyone else they hate.

I think about the razor every day now. It tempts me. It tempts me so. The allure of drowning out my pain with more exact and precise pain makes me feel better inside. I keep thinking that I wish I had died those few weeks ago. It is selfish... I know. I do have someone who loves me, one person in a sea of haters. I don't understand really. How could anyone love me? How could anyone ever want me. I am just a waste of molecular matter and the forces that hold them together. How I want to tear myself apart.

I am somewhere in between ok and not. When I am with people who don't spout hateful shit about me, I am ok. Keli came over the other night and we sat around and talked. She said hello to the hateful bitches and they turned up their noses. I've started playing their game right back. Perhaps it's why I feel so dirty. I waited for her to come into the room with me and I spoke semi-loudly "Don't worry about them, they ignore anyone who doesn't fit their plastic mold. They aren't very friendly and so please don't feed them" I'm wondering if they could pull their heads far enough out of their asses to hear me anyway. I doubt it.

I need to find some kind of escape tonight until Nick comes home. Oh how I want to hurt....

I will be ok soon... It is just two more weeks until I am gone and I will never speak to these cruel and bitter people again.

back

2011-06-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

I have been going through a rather upsetting sequence of events that I don't really wish to talk about. I don't even know what to say even now.

I guess you can say I have given up on some things and accepted other things. I am not trying anymore... It is hard to understand why people do the things they do. Why pursue me when I am taken and happy? Why deny me friendship because of this fact? I was trying. I had planned to go up on Sunday for a birthday occasion and some lighter talk. But... it was made very clear I was not wanted... and yet this weekend I received a strange message that was aimed to assure me they do care... they do want me. I am baffled... I will sit back and try to get my head together before I try to involve others in my life anymore...

I have punished myself greatly for everything. I nearly died last weekend and it is sobering to think that maybe... just maybe I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I now owe you my life. The bruises on my face and eye are a reminder. A reminder of how cruel I can be to myself. I guess this isn't the first time.. .but it was most definitely the closest. Finally I am starting to realize that if I don't change... I could die... I could really really die.

I came in to work today wearing makeup for the first time since the initial interviews. I think it is hard not to notice. I am very self conscious about the scars, the bruises, the lack of light in my eyes... my unwillingness to smile today.

I can be really stupid sometimes....

My birthday was on Saturday and I am now officially old. My parents and grandparents showed up. Even my littlest brother did. Warren decided to skip out to get drunk with his friend... I felt slighted, but this is nothing new. It was awkward to have to talk to these people who I haven't really seen or talked to in days, weeks.... They suddenly were fighting for my attention. I ended up pretending to sleep on the couch... I wanted to be alone without being too rude. I didn't want to lock myself in my room when I knew they were at least trying.

i'm_not_dead

2011-05-26T08:54:00.001-04:00

I just don't have anything to say anymore.

hello_?_..._helllloooo

2011-05-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

I am tired today. I have had a lot on my mind. Sometimes I can just be so negative.

Now I just feel numb.

I know my darling won't be coming home till late tonight for he works, and he works hard. I see all the dreams he has and I only wish I could help him more along his way. He smiles at me and tells me that I do. He wraps his long, muscular arms around me, and for a small while I can feel like I am at home. Otherwise I hide within myself.

Behind lips curled into a smile... a snarl...

I have been through so much bullshit it is hard to believe I was even able to make it this far. In my youth I used to celebrate and worship death as a romantic entity. I remember searching through databases and accounts of others who flirted with disaster so to speak... I would look for different ways to end it. I never went through with any of these curiosities. But I would dream about them. It would bring me a sort of giddy pleasure that I feel strange talking about now. It was strangely romantic. My dreams have often delved into violent topics. I used to enjoy imagining myself losing it. Spiraling so fast that I don't care to watch the scenery fluttering by. The people in my dreams would ask me to stop, and I would tell them NO. That I had grown tired of being tortured by life and when I had finally found a way to leave it all behind someone has to step up and pretend to care? NO...

You know, there was rarely ever a happy ending. Perhaps it is just a vision of the inevitable. My anxiety eats me alive some days. Would it surprise anyone? I doubt it. Whether I like it or not, I have been warped by the cruelty I have seen. It is as much a part of me as I was a part of it while I suffered quietly.

Happiness is for people who don't see the world. I wish I had never opened my eyes sometimes. I am ok, if anything I have learning to accept... no embrace, the monstrosities.

I am conflicted on a certain subject. But I don't want to talk about that.

I keep reminding myself that there are good things in this world. I imagine myself with bright yellow eyes, white hair drained of all life and vibrancy. I want to lose it. I WANT to lose it. I will give my body away to the chemicals and see where that gets me. I am a sick person.

That's what you get when you fuck up raising a child. You end up with a monster. That's all I am... it is all I ever will be...

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

calm

2011-05-18T23:15:00.001-04:00

I need to stay centered. I don't need anything at all

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

well_unlocked

2011-05-18T15:28:00.002-04:00

It's unlocked :/

dreamer.baby

2011-05-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

I had a strange dream last night. Lately I've been thinking a lot about other people, while rolling around in pain that is. I had a dream last night and let me tell you, it was a releasing dream.

It went a little something like this:

Matt and I had met up in a coffee shop and there were birds chirping. I remember sitting at the table with my guts churning and my insides burning. I couldn't remember why I had come to this place to meet someone who so clearly hated me. He came and sat down and... whoah... smiled. I remember in this dream world I was taken aback a few steps. All of a sudden we were talking about the good old days, and how he had gotten a job as a nuclear scientist (weird). I found myself nodding and feeling at peace. It was a good feeling. He mentioned a lady Emerald (a weird) and showed me a picture of a dashing dark-haired Italian woman and I felt no hate or anger. Normally, in a past life, I would have been jealous. But there was nothing to be lost, only things to be gained in this dizzying dream world. I mentioned my new flame and was congratulated. "We should go to the zoo sometime, Nick can come too" I nodded and moved to write down the date in my phone...

But alas I would awaken in this real world. The dream was especially vivid. I could smell the roasted coffee beans and imagined the smells of the other people in the room. I heard old and familiar sounds of ambulances bombing down Highland. A dream is a dream of course. But in a way, I take comfort in it somehow. At first I was discouraged to awaken and find that in fact my ex-friend is still offering nothing more mature than the silent treatment and clearly despises me still. But now I see that perhaps it doesn't matter. Perhaps it didn't matter. In my wakefulness I could draw similarities between this conversation and a conversation I had with Chance (another ex) about his wife and perhaps getting together to meet up and shoot the shit. I am glad that he could forgive me (for Matt... ironically) because he is an invaluable friend.

I know you can't force people to like you. Hell some people who used to like me don't anymore. There isn't much I can really do about it except dream and stand on my own two legs and keep walking.

I find a silver lining in this dream. If I can't have something real, perhaps I can take solace in the fact that if this was possible it would be beautiful. Perhaps in another life, another timeline, and universe it is... But what has happened has happened, and if he hasn't room in his heart to forgive no amount of whining, kicking, or stretching is going to move his cold heart. So, I pride myself in warming my hands over the fire in my own chest and in Nick's.

I realize I am not missing anything but a child's fantasy. He is not the person I loved or even liked anymore. Now he is a cold, bitter, adversary who resorts in childish tactics. Where-in my happiness lies is only illusion and dreams.

what.matters

2011-05-15T21:23:00.001-04:00

"Can I ask you a wired question"
"Sure. Anytime. I like wired questions"
"What do you appreciate more? Who I am or who I want to be?"

I froze for a moment. A brief moment and wondered why he would ask such a question. But the answer came as naturally as rain to me....

"That is a weird question... because well... aren't they both the same thing?"

He is just on a path of greatness. I wonder how it must feel to want to accomplish so much be faced with setbacks to delay his dreams and aspirations. I envy his goals. His determination to stand up and walk. He once told me that he knew he could do anything but it was meaningless without someone to share it with.

I have been stressed out lately. But I know it will work out. We are both fighters and survivors....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

deadly.mantra

2011-05-14T14:52:00.001-04:00

My kidneys felt like they would burst yesterday. But after a dose and some urk later I feel much better. I am in love. I have always been up and down. But I feel great to share all of me with someone who cares without shame. I am happy. I am hopelessly in love.

I was thinking about Dave and Alex today. I miss them. I'm too ashamed to do anything about it though. I wish I hadn't lost them to a stupid disagreement. What can I do but relish my solitude?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

another_set_back

2011-05-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

Well it looks like I won't be moving for another few months. Every time things start to look up got slams his fist down. Thanks... really.

pain.pain.go.away.come.again.another.day

2011-05-10T13:13:00.000-04:00

The stress is catching up to me again. I can barely eat most of the time, my stomach aches and throbs. I'm waiting for a release of bright red discharge from my throat to know when it's finally too much for me to handle. But when I'm crying in my lover's, arms crossed across my stomach, eyes clenched shut afraid of the light, that is not enough to break me. There is one thought on my mind concerning my weakness. It is a solid worry that I've dealt with on countless occasions. People become disturbed at my lack of care and become sick of my weakness. Who wants someone around who is weak, inferior, worthless?

He tells me he is worried. I can only think about what it would be like to lose him. If I didn't know loneliness before I would know it then. I have no friends. Only a few, and far between, faint whispers from an all too distant past. I am too scared to try anymore. I have become close to his friends and they have grown to like me along with his family. I know what that becomes though. All of my ex's friends and himself have disappeared to the wayside. All those people I spent time on and with and relished in promises of friendship and kindness only to be tossed aside like I never mattered in the first place. So... when he tells me he is worried I hear "You are a weak link, you insufferable miserable piece of shit" Sigh "If you don't shape up I'm going to walk away just like everyone else." Fight pound "Weakling, if you aren't perfect, I'm going to walk away laughing in your torture and demise"

It's cruel to think that way. He doesn't deserve it. Unlike everyone else, for now, he is still here.

"I'll be yours as long as you'll want me" I say,
"Well you best be in it for the long haul then babe, because I want to keep you"

Maybe, just maybe he is truly different.

I crawl forward, the smell is pungent and painful. I romanticize pain. I see myself buckled over with my hand tight over my stomach. Mouth open and wrenched into a painful grimace. My mouth opens and I expel black murk and blood. It gets on my clothes, but I don't care. I know there is no one around. The door to the bathroom is locked. I think my wrists are aching, stinging, bleeding. I pray for it to all end. I touch the gray and red puddle with my fist, it is sticky and thick... and also very warm. It feels good in the middle of this nightmare.

I want to suffer for all that I've done.

I am going to ask Nick to help me with this. I know he can help. He has a firm and loving hand. He can strangle the beast and then coddle me afterward.

I am sick. I am so sick inside. The stress is tearing me apart. It is tearing me inside out. No one can see this.

Not to be all dramatic, but I have been thinking about the subject of death and dying. I have been left wanting in those hours when I can't see him. I've been left lonely. I don't talk to my family, they don't talk to me, not unless it's about $$ or well $$. I hear them talk to Brittany and I feel jealousy. She gets words of encouragement, words of praise, words of strength. Granted I don't suffer like she does, but do I need some life threatening Ailment just to get a "I love you"?

I am in so much pain and agony. I don't know how much of this I can take anymore... I really don't. I am suffering. I wish there was some way to put me out of my misery.

He tells me to hang in there... We will be moving soon. Everything will get better. I will have 10 more hours a week to do whatever. I will have more time to see him. He will be getting a first shift job to see me. I need to be strong somehow.... somehow... somehow.

But I am wasting away in wild abandonment. I can't let my imagination get the best of me. I can't throw him away like I have so many others. Really, he is all I have left in this world. Without him I am alone. If it wasn't for him I may not have spoken a single word to anyone in the past month or more.

I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...
I'm pathetic...

bricks_for_brains

2011-05-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

My youngest brother and I have not been getting along lately. He is a liar and a cheat. He has the gall to ask me for the money I've owed him for a under a week when he has owed me a larger amount for the past several months. He is just trying to piss me off and I realize this. He told my mother some bullshit lies about how I was 'taking pictures of her drugs' or whatever. Riiiight because that would do me a whole LOT of good. Even if I did take pictures of her illegal activities, where would I bring them? The best part is that instead of asking me like a normal human being, she had to flip out for no reason until I insisted she look at the pictures on my phone. "Mom are you serious, do you think maybe you would notice if I was taking pictures of you? Why do you believe his bullshit?" She went on on this tirade about how she didn't just blame me and how nothing is ever her fault blah blah ... what else is new.

Matt is acting like scum himself. Running around porking any girl he can pop his dick into. It's sickening. I told him that if he kept trying to manipulate me I was going to tell all his girlies about all the other girlies and about how all his "I love you's" are all a bunch of hollow lies. Because nothing scares a compulsive liar like the truth. He did leave me alone for a few days. Today I got a message "I need that five bucks today" suuuuuuuure he does. He's not getting a penny from me until he apologises for acting like a dick.

I realize I made a mistake a few days ago. Yet again I foolishly try to contact an old flame only to be childishly ignored again. It's like the world is stuck in kindergarten and I'm off somewhere else. Alex texted me also not that long ago asking when I was coming for a visit. Clearly she must have been confused or something, because last time I checked I was still in "Fuck You" status with the man of that household.

I wish people would just grow up and move on, myself included. I should stop giving a shit about all these people in my past who are only there to be a weight on my mind. They have plenty of time to grow up and I have plenty of time to wait I guess. I have a feeling I'll be waiting forever, I best not hold my breath.

needed.T.L.C

2011-05-04T09:02:00.000-04:00

I needed some well deserved rest. I have to say that spending a day in my pajamas, in bed, with the best service on earth was well needed.. also probably deserved. Nick was nothing short of the absolute best treatment. Between getting me glasses of water and stroking my hair as I complained how awful my stomach felt, he proved to be a great caretaker.

Despite all recommendations I did something I probably shouldn't have today. But here's to crossing your fingers and hoping for maturity.

I feel much better today needless to say. I got a good amount of rest yesterday. Nick has today off too so I will try my hardest to get back home as fast as possible. Last night he was so sweet. No amount of complaining could train his positive attitude and he made me feel like a-million-five.

You are my savior and everything I have ever needed. This is the most amazing thing I can imagine.

the_best

2011-05-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

The concert on Friday was the best concert experience I've ever had. I danced and screamed and pumped my fists until my body writhed in agony. It was simply unforgettable. I spent all four hours wrapped in his arms. We danced wildly and jumped. We got to the mosh pit and danced even more and pushed and shoved. He held me tightly and protected me from the rowdier specimens in the crowd.

I remember one series of moments in particular. It was soon after Rise Against had come on stage. The crowd grew even more wild. We were close to the stage, not more than ten feet from the stage. The crowd grew animal like. I felt my body being pressed and squeezed. My eyes, frantic, scanned the world around me to see a swarm of bodies. I felt panic rising up within me. Everyone was pushing and I was drenched in sweat. My exhaustion was growing. I could barely breath. I felt closed in. People pushed in like a can of sardines mashing me up further toward the stage. I had cried out softly. I had to get out of there or I was going to pass out. I pushed myself through the crowd and Nick faithfully followed and helped me free myself from the crowd before I practically collapsed on the side.

Another point, earlier he had come to my rescue and received a blow to the leg on my behalf. I was moved by his sacrifice and how she strove so hard to protect me. That instinct that he has is so great. I remember I was telling him about how a friend and I would play this game and I would end up passed out on the floor. He grew red in the face. He was actually angry. I didn't understand why at that moment, but I do now. Or at least I believe I do. He is a protector, a nurturer.

We are a perfect match. I have no inclination to stray. What would I even have to gain by it? A lot of people seem to think it has to do with the lack of variety when you are with one person. Our relationship is full of variety. We are unstopable. He is always happy to do anything with me, to me, at me... hahha. It helps he has a healthy libido. I can get satisfaction without the "R" word being thrown in my face. I am just amazed, every single day..... Please, don't have me wake up.

rise_against

2011-04-29T08:42:00.000-04:00

I am going to RISE AGAINST and BAD RELIGION tonight in Boston :) I am so excited. I have been waiting for this for a long time. I'm glad I get to share it with someone special. I planned everything out from what trains to take, to where to eat if we are hungry, to what to do if we get out after the Red Sox game.

I am currently at work, t-15 to game time, to class in t-30. My boss even said I can leave early which is great. I am so happy. Things are getting better and better every day. I hope I NEVER wake up.

cornflake_crusted_french_toast

2011-04-26T09:06:00.000-04:00

Work again today I miss my lover, but I will get to see him tonight. Despite how hauntingly Silent Hill-ish it looks outside I feel that today is going to be a splendid day. I am very happy drinking hot chocolate mixed with coffee and eating a plate of cornflake_crusted_french_toast. I had asked Nick to wake me up last night. I woke up early this morning to the sound of rain crashing against the ceiling. After I was content that it was not some evil spirit or the boogie man I curled up next to my lover, who had appeared at some point in the night, entwined in his arms and fell quietly back to sleep.

I woke up to a text
"Sorry I didn't wake you up. Love you but you were sleeping so peacefully and I know you said you were tired"

He is so overwhelmingly thoughtful and perfect in every way, and I am his little worshiper. Two tones of a beautiful picture lost in a sea of colors and shapes.

I want so badly to return to the ocean and just sit and listen. Over the weekend I went to visit his family for Easter and his mother, who adores me, gave us a book listing 100 things for couples. Some of them were naughty, some of them were very cute... I wonder if she read it before giving it to us.... haha.

I love my life. It is almost perfect. I can't believe that it has been over six months. Time flies when you are having a good time right? Because it has. Soon it will be a year... then more.

He will be returning to pharmacy school soon. I am so happy for him. He is so bright and talented in everything he does... It is something to adore and admire.

Work has made it a little harder. We need another evening of sitting on the floor with a bong, painting bottles or what-have-you. Maybe even painting each other :P Ah I have never been so enthralled. I worship him and he cherishes me. What more could I ask for?

life_is_good

2011-04-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's right. Life is good. All you haters can eat that.

Yesterday was 420. I went down to the statehouse with the boy to read the final remains of what was once a hippie congregation. I don't see why they don't bother to legalize it... oh right. Fat fucking cats and their $$ does the talking, the walking, and the stamping. They call this a democracy? That's so laughable.

But you know what. LIFE IS GOOD, AND ALL YOU HATERS CAN EAT THAT.

It gets better every day I spend at your side, Sir Nick. You've been right about everything, frustratingly correct, even when I wish you weren't. But I love you and I can't wait till we move together :) this is like a dream. AND ALL YOU HATERS CAN EAT THAT.

Oh wait... there are no haters. Well then you can all starve :P

I_LOVE_YOU

2011-04-19T13:25:00.002-04:00

If you had approached me a few months ago and told me not the sweat the small stuff... Not to worry because in a few months everything would be ok. I would have probably scoffed and told you to eat it. But I would have had to eat those words. I am happier than I have ever been. I have come to find that he is a lot like me.

"I can do anything" And of course, if he put his mind to it he could move the earth and the stars, "But I need someone to share it with"

I remember when we had first met I was distressed about not having a job. This meant that if he wanted to take me out, he would have to take me out. I felt worthless without having something to provide and give back. He would only smile and say that I gave him plenty. After I got a job he had turned to me and said that he was glad that he met me when I was down in a hole. I could only wonder why. He said that he was glad he could help me, that he was glad that he could be the one to put smiles on my face when I was sad.

I remember laying down with him to watch a movie my mind was else where. We had begun to fool around. He thought I was just as beautiful as I thought he was. But I had something to hide. I told him not to take it personally, that it ment nothing. He didn't. I would eventually show him the lines across my skin and he didn't see any reason to hate me for it. He said that we all come from somewhere. I watched over the past months as those lines faded. By this summer I will be his pale, unblemished goddess... no I will be his blemished goddess and he will love me all the same.

If I knew then what I am discovering now I would have told myself it wasn't worth sacrificing yourself for another. It doesn't have to be a sacrifice. You can both live and be happy and give up NOTHING... in fact, I feel like all I've done is gain. We don't fight and bicker about stupid nothings. We don't NEED to rely on conflict to give us a semblance of normalcy. Who said I wanted to be normal anyway?

We were talking briefly about children. I was amazed at how open he was to talking about it. No topic is too taboo. I was shocked. I was used to hearing about how everything was too soon to think about or too soon to talk about or too soon to consider. I don't wanna move in with you?! We have only been DATING two years?! Are you mad?! I guess so. I don't have to ask, beg, and plead for the things I want and need.

Best of all. I don't need to be his equal. I can be small, I can be little, I can be his and he can be mine. But I don't have to struggle for equality when it's not even necessary....

I love him with all my heart. This one will hurt if he walks away, but I don't think he will. He got lucky and found me at the perfect time. I plan to devote myself entirely to him until he either gets bored or takes me in his arms forever.

off.with.those.silly.things

2011-04-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

I had a rough few days. A rough week. It is easy for me to feel so lonely. But Keli and I did end up getting together to relax and talk about the good old days while watching crappy horror movies (not like we were going to hard-rewatch the whole thing). Nick came and picked me up.

The next day, Saturday, was Warren's 21st birthday. We are taking him to the bar tonight and buying him his first legal sips haha. But that night I bought a 30 rack f some light beers and he enjoyed them with me. We had a good time together. It's great that my family is coming back together. Then I went to hang out with Nick's cousin and we chilled.

Though that ended up being a small point of contention between Nick and I... But it's not what you might have thought. I'm used to going to bed very early. Laying on that comfortable couch with a couple of beers in me and bags so heavy they would drag my eyelids down. I ended up falling asleep until Nick came there. He was upset briefly because his thoughts were that I had gone there and passed out in front of 4 people after drinking tons of beers. In reality I had two and slipped into sleep while watching Supernatural. It's a bit embarrassing. I feel so old haha. But he made it up to me. To think, he even said he was sorry :)

He didn't leave it at sorry either. He took me in his arms and pleased me until I couldn't squirm anymore. It was ecstasy. We talked about dreams and goals. He made me blush during the day with texts that I never expected to hear from anyone. It was a shock to me. But I grinned and played along carefully. I don't want to be careful anymore. Why would I need to be careful? Just encase he's another blood sucker like me? I think I actually found something wonderful, a best friend and a lover in one.

I'm still getting over what happened a few weeks ago. I still see your name. Thinking of just blocking you. But would it hurt to leave the doors open to maybe give it a chance? I don't see why not. *sigh* But life is going extremely well. I'm thinking of visiting a friend in Mass soon. They are in need of some companionship.

Must of been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks, in the street
And ask many questions
Like children often do
We said,
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far -
Am I very far now?

feeble.attempt

2011-04-15T08:49:00.000-04:00

My feeble attempt to start a conversation failed miserably. I said I was going to try again in a few weeks. But I think not. I give up. You can stay mad forever if you want. I'm not going to deal with people who clearly don't want me around.

Hey if there is only one person on this earth who can stand my company I will take it :) It kind of feels like that again. I keep trying to get together with people but they would either rather be alone or with someone else than me.

Tonight I give in. I'm going to my corner of the hallway and I'm going to lay in bed. Or maybe I'll pass out in front of the TV expecting your soft lips and words and your bright smiling face. It is all but salvation in this empty existence.

It is not so empty as I say. It just feels that way. I want to be a normal person without shoving medication down my throat. So far it is working. Sure, I deal with the anxiety like everyone else has to... With sheer will.

I am frustrated by one person's absence and one person's walk-out. I won't let it bury me though. Nick is there. Nick will always be there. Anyone who didn't think so will be proven sorely wrong... or so I hope. For now he is my north star, my guiding breeze in my sails.

I'm sorry to those I've disappointed, it has gone full circle. I will miss you, but I am not going to keep trying to force myself where I am clearly not wanted. That goes for all of you.

shutting.down.sort.of.x

2011-04-14T12:07:00.000-04:00

Since some people don't seem to know the meaning of the word 'blog' I am going to give this a few days and put it on password protect. If you think you are adult enough to handle my personal opinions without freaking out and having some childish spasm then by all means email me at to.spleary@gmail.com and request permission to read. I'm tired of people either a.) taking this too seriously or b.) pissing themselves over what I have to say. In the words of an old enemy, my name ain't dick, so please take it out of your mouth.

ends,up.the.stranger.was.right

2011-04-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

I end up making friends with people who are nothing but selfish, self-centered, pieces of shit, who won't even give me a straight up answer. You know what, fack you. I hate to say the boy was right, but he was. Also, you were right, I need to make new friends. I will, I will make friends who appreciate me for who I am and for what I am. Not people who will toss me to the curb at the smallest sign of turbulence. Thanks for nothing. I know what I am worth. Good bye.

well

2011-04-14T10:56:00.002-04:00

My former friend made it quite clear that he doesn't give a shit today. So I will try again in a few months if it would even be good for me to do so. This is causing me more stress than anything else. I wish my friend would just grow up. *sigh* At least I have people here at home who do care. I just wish he could see I care about him too... But he's so stubborn I don't think he will ever get it. He is set in his ways. It's foolish of me to even try. I am only going to get bitched out for my efforts.

The boy told me that this is what would probably happen. He was right. He was right about everything... *sigh* my underpants are the only things most people seem to care about. Once that's out the window then so am I.

Good night, I need some gin.

i_hope_i_am_right

2011-04-14T09:53:00.002-04:00

I hope I am right and not my boyfriend. I hope my friends of old will grow up and just put one night behind them so we can be friends. If not I guess I should be more cynical about the world. If not, the boy was right about them. Maybe I am just stupid.

not.a.good.day

2011-04-11T09:12:00.002-04:00

Today is one of those days I could just sleep away I think. I miss my lover. Tomorrow night he will be around for me and I will be complete. I think I finally realize what my ex was really into, and it's not me. Not that it matters. I realize what I am into and it's not him.

parents

2011-04-07T13:20:00.000-04:00

I feel less and less comfortable around them. I don't spend much time at home anymore, and when I do it is in my room with Nick or Matt. This weekend I may arrange to have lunch with Alyssa and Allie. Or who knows maybe I'll go down to visit Brian in Worcester. I just don't like being around them, and this morning was no exception.

I can't wait to move out.

you_can't_always_get_what_you_want

2011-04-06T17:22:00.000-04:00

sometimes_would_be_nice_though

I was under the weather today it seemed. I was stressing out over the loss of a friend several weeks back. Simply not another word has been exchanged and I doubt there will be another exchange of words at this point. I talked to Nick about it, as it was something that was bothering me... and when I'm bothered he takes notice. Like a girlfriend he'll sit me down and ask me about my day. So well, I let him have it.

It wasn't much of a consolation but he reminded me that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need everyone to like me. I don't need to keep someone in my life only because they were once there. He didn't much understand my reluctance to give up so easily. I considered several times today trying to talk to this person... but alas I would only expect to be either scolded again or some other negative outcome. So why bother?

It saddens me to think I'll never talk to this person again. But if I'm not wanted I'm not wanted. It's funny how everyone from that life is gone now. Everyone who was associated with Matt and WPI is gone. The people who had always been close to me have stayed. Sure, we've had issues... but we got over it, we got through it. Through thick and thin. Unlike those friends I had made so long ago now it seems that have checked out of my life seemingly for good this time. It's only my own fault too. But there's nothing I can do about it now.

I'm doing better without my meds. I don't feel sickly. I have gained some weight and this has scared me... Maybe I will get back on them. But I like the feeling of a clear mind. I like not gritting my teeth twenty four seven. The disappearance of those seizures is another good indication for me. It helped for a while, while I was miserable at my ex's side. But now that I'm in a different place, with a different crowd, and people who do love and respect me... I don't think I need it any more.

This is what I was missing. I'm still missing things... But you know what. Whenever someone walks out of my life someone always walks in to take their place... I wonder who it's going to be this time...

another_week_ticks_by

2011-04-05T08:56:00.000-04:00

I know that before I get a grip with what is going on, it will be Friday. Today is the start of Nick's weekend. I think he is getting fed up with his job. I wouldn't blame him. From what he says he puts in plenty of extra work but because he is hired through a temp agency they are not likely going to hire him. Well because then they would have to give him a few more bucks.

'Sex is like a game of bridge, if you haven't got a good partner you'd better have a damn good hand.' Woody Allen

I am having a good day. My alarm chirped in my ears annoyingly but I was quickly distracted by the wandering hands and smiling face of my lover. He isn't always awakened by me at five-forty-five, but when he is it is always with a bright smiley face. I showed him a picture I had found that I particularly liked of him. I said something about how we need to have another photoshoot soon. I am in love with my camera.

He had given me his old one months ago, but my phone has quite an upgrade on it. I plan to move all the pictures from the camera over to my phone. I can return his camera and he can do what he wishes with it. I am just so happy for having used it to record all of these wonderful memories. He said he got more enjoyment out of giving it to me than he would have giving it to the man at the pawn shop. He is truly the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

Baby, you my everything, you all I ever wanted
We can do it real big, bigger than you ever done it
You be up on everything, other hoes ain't never on it
I want this forever, I swear I can spend whatever on it

To think that out of the arms of tragedy and despair, a light could shine so bright as to evaporate all those tears. I would have drowned if it wasn't for him. I was left as good as dead. I remember I could equate the feeling to being at the bottom of the ocean looking up to the darkness that blacked out the sun. You could scream but nothing would ever hear you. I could swim, but the trip up just seemed too far. The ball and chain of grief kept me glued to the bottom. But now I am free of all this.

I have never been so happy that I can remember. I can't wait to come home to him tonight. I look forward to our weekly escapades and meeting up with his cousin and Allie.

I say you the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the best I ever had, best I ever had
Best I ever had, best I ever had

I love you :)

i_will_be_fine

2011-04-04T13:25:00.000-04:00

You can't change a person's mind once their mind is set. It's not like I'm not used to things like this happening. These are my last words on the subject for now. I'm not going to let it hang over my head. I will step out of the way and walk on. When god closes a door, he opens a window. Not that I believe that bullshit anyway. But I will be OK, I always come out OK in the end, and this will be no exception. It's a shame, nonetheless, but it's not my call. If it were up to me, things would be a bit different.

On the brighter side of the blackness I have started hanging out with some new people. I would sound like a broken record if I said what I wanted to say, so I will just say this: it's nice to have another person to talk to. The other day in my infinite boredom, I decided that instead of staying home and wallowing, I would go visit Sean and Allie. We hung out for a long while and watched some interesting TV series and just talked about life. I find it great that Nick's cousin seems to really like that I am in his life. That I am beautiful, not-crazy, and charming to be around... I know, it sounds weird to say. I never thought I was all that special. But these people seem to think I am....

Nick talks about me when I am not there. It made me feel warmth inside to hear that he pays attention to the things I say and even proudly relays them to other people in his life... He is such a beautiful person, not only in body but in mind.

I am looking forward to moving soon with him. I think we will do just fine. My parents think we will do just fine. They have never approved of me moving in with a boy before this one. Hell, they invited him to stay without even asking me... O___O Maybe they want to replace me :P I wouldn't doubt it. There are few people with the qualities that he possesses. We are peeerfect together. I think time will just make it show even more.

don't_say_i_didn't_try

2011-03-31T13:47:00.000-04:00

I most definitely did. Yet again I find myself missing someone. This is a vital flaw within myself. I want so badly what I once had. This is not the way for me to live because I am one who constantly who is constantly losing things. Friendships. Partners. Family. I do tell myself that perhaps it is that I need to accept the lack of permanence in all things in my life in order to be happy. I need to accept that friends will become ghosts. I need to accept that family will die. I need to accept that lovers will fade. I need to accept that I can depend on nothing... To pretend that something will last is only a bitter delusion that will always end in me being disappointed and confused. You were one of those people I was hoping I would keep as a friend. I kept trying until it just became too awkward for me. The cold one liners where once paragraphs had once spouted left me deterred. I did learn a lot from you. Perhaps one day you will seek to talk to me again. But for now I'll let you have your space and silence until you decide it is time. I am not going to keep thwacking at a dying horse until I kill it for good. See... I'm still hopeful somehow. I need to cut that shit out... This time it's the conversations I miss. It's a shame because we used to talk rather often. But now I just watch your blog and note the times I see you on my buddy list. I do miss you, I'm just tired of trying and being shrugged off (story of my life).

Well my car is having that problem again where it rides really rough after a period of time. It is kind of annoying. I have been depressed the past few days. I have taken a measure least advisable, but I think it's going to work out. I'm tired of the poisons in my body. I guess also there is no one for me to annoy with my eccentricities besides Sir Nick. He doesn't seem to mind the occasional low mood. I think he sees it as an opportunity. He takes me in his arms and I talk about the problems I am having and he gives me reasons to believe it will be ok. I guess it may be another one of those delusions, but... The happiness I feel afterward is real. His smile melts away any sadness I feel. His voice drives away uncertainty. He makes me feel like I am worth something. He's the only person I know I can talk to every day.

I haven't spoken to Keli since last week either. It seems like everyone is disappearing off the face of the earth again. I know she is busy with doctors appointments and trying to get her license back. We shared a great night where I felt closer to her than I have in a long time. I'm sure there will be more moments like that. Maybe one day soon she will even hang out with my soon to be boyfriend of six months. I'm scrambling to keep the few friends I have left.

Really, I have it down to four. Nick, Keli, Alyssa, and Brian. Everyone else has become a ghost.

It's not that I didn't try. I just know when I'm not wanted.

oh_oh_oh_oh_it's_time_to_win

2011-03-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

I have a goal, I want to move by the end of next month. Maybe the month after. I want to be settled by my birthday. I need to make some time to look for a place with my soon to be roommate. I really hope things work out... or rather I know they will work out. I was filled with uncertainty in the beginning, but it's hard to ignore his devotion to me.

I am the luckiest girl alive. Really. No denying it. While I am doing what I must my boy is being good. Or rather I'm his girl. The other way around.

Nothing can bring me down now. I'm flying so high.

is_a_bitch

2011-03-27T17:03:00.001-04:00

get_used_to_it

I got to spend some time with Keli and Alyssa this weekend. It is kind of funny how a door always closes just as one opens. I have a feeling I am no longer welcome around a circle of friends because I did not attend a party one preceding weekend. Or maybe they just realised that I am in fact the cunt I have claimed to be.

I am tired today. After spending long hours with my lover this weekend I am as exhausted as I am refreshed. Keli and I bonded on Friday night with some rum and old horror. I had not felt so close in a long time. As I said though. Perhaps I closed the door myself. But I guess the way things are is how they will be. I should remember that you can't trust anyone to be yours forever. Even friends.

This is cold given what I just said... I know. But I will move on. Live on. Make new friends. Maybe even keep some old ones. But I have this attitude right now that haters can all eat it. When I am wanted I will be here. But I don't like the frosty deposition I either feel or imagine. Besides. Here I am loved for now. When it gets cold here I will fund another gate to slip through.

I do miss all of you. Story of my life. But whatever perhaps I was only tolerated in the first place.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

back.away.very.slowly

2011-03-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

I am tired of my own bullshit. I can be pretty oblivious when I want to be.

Outside of that I feel happy today. I feel calm today.

It's Friday.

I don't want to think about the things that are now currently bothering me. So for once, I think I won't.

Good day.

i_say_i_don't_care

2011-03-24T13:55:00.000-04:00

but_in_all_actuality_:_i_do

Things are going along quite like I thought they would. Work is going well and is rather robotic in nature. I don't mind, I like that kind of thing. A place where you must check, and check, and talk to yourself a little, then check it again. I'm sure it will be more strenuous after I am out of the training phase, but I feel pretty comfortable doing these things. (The worse I could do is create a crash in house).

I feel myself getting angry every once in a while. I hate it when I'm right and I don't want to be. I hate it when I'm right and everyone looks the other way. But why should I care? The things I have lost/are losing are doing this of their own regard. I've tried to stick my paddle in the water, but I only get angry, hurt glances. So, what do I do? I wait.

I wish he would just open up the doors and talk to me again. But the last time I tried anything it only ended up brutally pissing us both off. Maybe I should be mad. For once. Maybe I should be. Some sick part of me wishes the worst. I want him to regret what he did. I want him to go after some heartless bitch (which I guess was the pattern) only to have her rip his heart out for me. To show him that it really wasn't all that bad. I want him to suffer alone, I hope he does... I'm sick. Hate really does make a demon out of you. I would never do anything though.

But I hope he hurts for breaking his only promise, the only one that would really matter: "We will always be friends". What a fucking crap-shoot that was. A huge waste of time for me. I came out with scars and a better understanding of the world, I made some good friends through him I suppose. Maybe he came along to show me that I need to up my standards to be truly happy. I guess it doesn't matter, all I see now is a spoiled brat.

I hate you and I wish I had never met you.

Why I waste my time thinking about you... I don't know.

Heh, at least I can writhe in your lack of success (probably due to a lack of effort) in life still. I hate how I do this. I need a drink.

I need to just forget about you, forget about friendship, forget about all that wasted time, forget about those miserable days where I had no standards.

I have found the love of my life.
He loves me too.
He is not lazy.
He doesn't turn me away.
He owns me.
I am his babe.
I am happy.

If everyone else wants to disappear too, I couldn't give a fuck.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

ramble_ramble

2011-03-23T14:07:00.000-04:00

I am happy with the way things are going. Matt has been spending more and more time around me. It is good to see him coming around the house more and keeping away from his mother. She has crippled him in more ways than he could ever know. I used to have such a shaken relationship with the boy. Now it's Warren who has become the resident slave over at Mom's. He is strung along with on a powdery leash. Mom always gets what she wants. Her latest feat of manipulation involved her buying a puppy (that she says she doesn't have money for, that we all know is a lie) to dangle in front of Warren and Matt's hungering fingertips. Warren is her little pet now. I suppose it's better him than Matt or I. It's sad to say, but Warren has been a big piece of scum for a while now... I think he deserves to wallow with scum. But what... I'm a bitter old wench anyway.

Nick is a huge part of my life now. I see him almost every day. It amazes me the breadth and depth of his affection for me. He never fails to surprise me. It is like I can do no wrong. He doesn't mind my desire to be held, he doesn't mind my displays of affection. When I bog down the sink to do dishes, he is right there with his hands on my back telling me how he is thankful. It is the little things that only take a moment. There are many brief moments that stick in my head. When I approached slowly with a chain around my neck and he took my head in the palm of my hand and told me I was beautiful. These things had been missing for me. I never really understood that these were the things I couldn't go without (and shouldn't go without).

He started talking to his ex again. He even had the courtesy to ask me about that. Not that he is ever even remotely flirtatious with her, he never blurbs bad things about me to her either. He assured me that there was no way he would leave me for her (or for anyone for that matter). I only smiled and said I didn't think he would anyway. It's odd how easy he is to trust... well actually... it's not odd at all. He is literally... always there. He assures me daily, hourly, that he loves me. He shows me by giving me affection when I don't ask for it. I remember when I had suspected things before it was distance that I felt.. well, I was right then. I'm probably right now :)

There was only one piece about this whole thing that made me uncomfortable. I remember he had said he was fighting with his ex over things, and he mentioned to me something to be angry about. But now, they are able to talk and put it behind them... everything. Any resentment, anger, their relationship, has been brushed aside in favor of friendship. I guess it's jealousy I feel. I wish my EX was able to grow up and get over what happened between us... because well... by comparison it wasn't all that bad. But I guess I shouldn't be jealous. Lies are lies. There is no reason for me to struggle to make someone realize that all this bitterness is not worth it, it's not like he would listen to me anyway. I guess I just wish he had made true to his promise "We will be friends no matter what"... yeah.. well bullshit on that one. I guess in a few years from now when I am hopefully still in the arms of my current lover, I won't even remember his name. Hey, at least I am still friends with my first EX (it astounds me that my first ended up being more mature than my second). I doubt he even cares. I doubt he even remembers my name. I'm glad I didn't go to that party, it was not worth the potential chance to see him there. Now that would have been awkward...

Well I am at least glad that I can move on with my life and take steps forward... even if I will forever occasionally glance back and wonder what became of that boy that stole my heart for three years.

Oh well... I guess it's his loss.

rather_be_happy_than_right

2011-03-21T13:30:00.000-04:00

you've_got_a_lot_of_nerve_you_tricked_me
i_am_trying_to_help

I couldn't sleep last night. The stress is ripping me apart. Nick told me last night he hasn't seen me seize up again since the last time. But I still worry. This is serious. I could hurt myself or others. I could be walking down some stairs and pass out...

I have to stay up now until my appointment at 7:00am. Shower and clean my scalp, no caffeine, no alcohol... NO SLEEP. Nick volunteered to keep me up tonight, I am so grateful for him. I didn't even have to ask. I have never felt such devotion. It is hard for me to fully understand. I thought I was the one messed up... I thought it was ALL me. But it's not. There are people out there like me. There are lost puppy lovers who cling to the heels of their masters and mates. Everything had come to feel so temporary... Like I couldn't depend on my lover to be at my side tomorrow morning... and I was right. I was right. But this feels different... Or am I just blind? I can recognize that not many people would go out on a limb like that just to help me. There are a notable few that I see as permanents in my life.

I've come to see Nick as one.

I see his smile and my insides roar and then give. When I think of those hands and fingers, and a softly rising and falling chest, I feel so at home. When I imagine him tugging at my hair and lifting my chin with his fingers to look at me... I feel loved. I feel at peace. He doesn't have to work hard to understand me. We come from a similar place. We are both just a little misunderstood. We both grew up in the same towns and areas. We both came from the same social class. We saw true hardship, and thus can recognize it for what it is when we see it.

It's too late for me... I'm sucked in. I'm addicted. Maybe if I'm lucky it will be a few years before I drive this one into the ground too... But ignorance is bliss.

I'de rather be happy than right.

But... ... I do hope that I can be right too. Maybe this time, I will be right. If not, there is no shortage of assholes out there to pick from. I'm sure it wouldn't take long...

So when a dog fight's hog-tied prize sort of costs a life
The mouths water on a fork and knife
And the allure isn't right
It's gore on a war-torn beach
Where the cash cow's actually beef
Blood turns wine when it leak for police
Like that's not a riot, it's a feast, let's eat

a_show_of_hands

2011-03-17T13:23:00.000-04:00

My heart flutters when you lay your hands on me.

I feel it in my guts when I bring back those images and those moments. I am drugged by your elegance and your intelligence. It's nice to know someone can see beyond my glassy eyes and bright blue lines tracing in my head. I love you. You have no idea. It feels good to belong to someone... to belong.

I need you like I need air, water, and food. I'm pretty sure I would die if you just up and left... *sigh* Not really. I was talking about this the other day. That coldness in me that is frightened that everyone in my life will walk away at the drop of a hat.. this includes you too. You can't count on friends, on family, on lovers... You can only depend on yourself. I even have reservations about saying that. I have not been there for myself when I needed it. So I run on empty until the fumes are spent and my body collapses. Tonight I will collapse, crying, into a ball, alone, hoping that the chemicals can run through my head faster than these thoughts do.

I'm destined to fail, isn't that what my life story has shown you?

I remembered this morning to stop off at the medicine cabinet before rushing out the door. It should help. I'm still scared about my head, but I don't think it has happened in a few days as far as I can tell. But then again how could I know?

As usual, I will be ok. I am not balanced.

But I did want to note that I had a wonderful night last night. That RnR was a little overdue. But I'm a little better for having spent the night in your arms.

I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning suns
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

i_don't_understand

2011-03-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

Why were you so angry?

You already knew all of these things about me. I told you as I was finding out myself. But I have always been this way. I am a submissive. It is my place, forever and always. It is the ONLY place I feel comfortable. I could sit around and wish that wasn't the case.

It's like blue traces on my neurons, blowing through my head at lightning speed. You can't capture something you can't touch, you can't capture something that won't stop. Blue traces, I see them when I space out. I don't know if I can feel it happening, but I wonder sometimes. I feel like I lost a piece of information, I feel like 10 minutes has passed...

Why were you so angry? This has been a huge part of my life for some time now.

I am not going to give up something that has been so close to me... This was a mistake I made many times before. I won't make it again. I swear to god I'll end up alone again and you will all have to watch me as I fumble in the mud, scraping with bloody fingers to crawl out.

*sigh*

You have to find a way to accept that this is what I want, this is who I am. You can't change me. People have tried, they always fail. Best just take me for what I am...

But I guess the sad part is... is that if you want me to change... I will try to do it. I'm just that stupid.

"I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside"

I forgot again today. Stupid... ugh.

I really need to figure this out soon... or it could get ugly.

figure_me_out

2011-03-15T13:17:00.000-04:00

I love that I belong somewhere now. I have a place. I am no longer that wreck of a person I was only a few months ago. It only took a gentle hand to hold up my chin when I wanted to bury it in my arms and cry. It took someone to paste that smile upon my face. I just wanted someone to call me theirs. I wanted to belong to someone. Now that I do again, I am drunk, fucked up on the vapors.

I feel my head spinning hard....

I don't know where I am, just that I like it. My blood rushes to my head. I am running around. I don't say a word most days unless I have to. Maybe one day I will be more open... but for now I'm that mystery for you to figure out... please try and figure me out. I will never come out on my own... But no one cares... no one ever has really. There are a few who will ask the questions that will get them answers that are real... very few of these people in my life. I want you to be one, dear person at work, I want you to be one of them. I'm curious about your work... and your positive attitude.

One day maybe I'll stop being awkward... and make a friend for once

Please try to figure me out!!!

Spit out the blood that brews in my throat...

i_swallow_all_of_my_pain

2011-03-14T16:26:00.000-04:00

With every breath I draw I feel heavier. I feel like weights are tied on to my eyelashes, tearing my eyelids down with such force it is almost painful to keep them open. I have finished my required work for today. It took shorter than I thought it was going to. Now I feel heavy.

I keep thinking back to what my coworker had said. He mentioned he worked with children as a teacher, these children who had overcome some serious trauma. I felt my heart sinking as he spoke of one particular child. *sigh* The other in the car reverently agreed that the child had undergone some disgusting and unacceptable treatment. I gritted my teeth and also agreed. It's not my place... I couldn't help it... it got to me. I let it get under my skin. It actually made me kind of angry to think that this child got away with letting all of that absorbed cruelty out... While I stuffed it down for so many years without a word... Shame is powerful you know...

I keep thinking on it.

It's really not fair...

Child abuse is one of the most horrible things that humans do to one another. I still don't understand it though I have observed it's effects.

I found some peace today, I grit my teeth and I swallow all of my pain.

I need to not think about it. It's not my problem anymore.

f_m_l

2011-03-13T14:40:00.000-04:00

I went to the doctor the other day regarding the seizures I have been having. I am getting an appointment with a neurologist whenever I can. I hope and pray that it is nothing serious.

My brothers having been acting like scum lately. I do nice things for them and all I get is fucked over...

I got to see Keli and Liz the other day. Things still feel tense with Liz around but I could deal with it. I just missed Keli so much. *sigh*

I'm scared to take my meds... I haven't been taking them and now I feel like jumping off the edge. I am sick. Sick. I hate my life. I hate the way my brothers always take advantage of me. They say "oh I'm not going to screw you over this time" and then they do. Over... and over... and over... and over... and I'm stupid enough to fall for it every time. I'm broke down a pretty penny cause of them. Hell Matt alone fucked me out of over 1000 dollars a year ago. I lost thousands to my last attempt to live with people in an apartment. I'm so dumb with my money. Even Nick thinks I've been too lenient with people. But I don't have it in me to even ask for what I am owed from most of them, I guess I just assumed I'll never see a penny of it...

Fuck it though. Money doesn't matter. It's not having contact with people. I want to drink myself stupid again today. I want to get a few bottle of wine, kick back, and just slug a few down.

I have no one to blame but myself...

I can't do anything right. I will always be wierd inside... I am never going to be ok.... well... goodbye.

the_'L'_word

2011-03-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

When I first met him, I had been telling myself that nothing would ever happen. I told myself that the 'L' word was not an option; it was not on the table. I remember that day. The grass smelled incredibly potent that day. It was fresh. I fumbled a tennis ball in my hands as I waited and watched jail-bait play basketball. Car after car pulled in. But so far none had contained what I was waiting for. I sat down on my trunk and waited nervously. A black Nissan pulled into the park. I recognized the face and fell in love with that smile the moment I saw it.

Lust turned into love. I couldn't resist it.

I remember when he asked me out. He said I could take my time. He asked I don't wait forever. Two days later I was in his arms. I belong to him... I BELONG to him. I love how he treats me. When we retire for the evening and he curls up at my side with his head on my chest I feel at home. I feel at home. I couldn't imagine feeling more at home.

We talk about the future.

I love that he is not afraid to talk about the future. He WANTS a future with me. He knows what he wants. He knows what he is.

We talked last night, sitting in his car waiting for his cousin. I was talking about how people's relationships tend to fade with time. "Do you think it will happen with us?" I had always been an advocate of 'don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer'. I asked anyway. He gave me his reasons why he thought it would last. A list of things he adored about me. A list of attributes. He said that I always had something to say. He said that I am spontaneous and like to keep things fresh and new... like he does. I had lost that part of myself a while ago. But it has been coming back since I have been around someone who truly appreciates it.

I am so glad for what has happened.

Though today I was wondering about a missed opportunity. Sadly it will remain that way. I don't fret however, I do have something wonderful right now. The grass is very green on this side of the fence, I'm not going to bother even looking at the neighbor's lawn. Maybe one day it will come up again though. Who knows. My life has only just begun.

dive_dive_dive

2011-03-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

So I guess Liz found out the other day that I don't want to play these games anymore. She was upset for some reason. I really don't get it. She excludes me from every single activity when she knows I misses the shit out of them, and then she gets upset when I don't want to play that way anymore. Like really? Either you want me around or you don't. Not like she ever even talks to me, what is there to miss? She deliberately excludes me from activities, as I found out from Keli, why the sudden change of heart? I'm saving her the trouble of having to pretend that she wants me around.

I'm a bitter old wench. I'm getting more irritated with the world. Its like I can't depend on anyone. I always have to have one hand behind my back just in case someone should sneak up with a knife. Its not my fault I'm smart, it's not my fault I'm successful, it's not my fault I have a job and a life... I feel like that's a big part of the reason. Perhaps it is jealousy of sorts. They can't talk to me about good things because nothing good ever happens in their lives apparently. I see some of the good that they have that I don't and they don't even realize it. That is what gets to me.

I should just crawl into a hole and never come out...

kill_the_weeds

2011-03-07T13:10:00.000-05:00

I was venting yesterday. My frustrations over not seeing my friends had escalated to a point. I felt like I was doing all I could to try and get myself involved, invited, but despite those efforts nothing seemed to come of it. I have been losing my patience for these people who I have called my friends for so long. Tears of my anguish ran down my face while I complained to Nick about my current situation. He took a reasonable standpoint saying that people change. While I don't have to like it, I do have to accept it.

Keli ended up reading my blog and naturally what I had vented upset her. I had no intention of ever really talking about it. But I know it came across as a lack of patience, when really it was just me venting my feelings in a way that didn't involve me screaming at someone. She pleaded for my patience. She has been going through a hard time. I expressed my jealousy about how she spent time with Liz, her boyfriend, Steph, all these people that are important to her of course... but not with me. She claimed that it was unintended but from my perspective I continue to be left out all the same. Though... I did find out why I wasn't invited along to hang out.

Keli told me that she had often asked if Liz wanted to hang out with me or invite me along. Liz was the one who said no. Liz apparently wants nothing to do with me anymore. I knew something was fishy, she never talks to me anymore anyway. But I had always figured that perhaps she did enjoy my company, but this is not the case. Again, I started to sob out my frustrations. Knowing the reasons doesn't solve the problem unfortunately. But at least I know it was never because my best friend was drifting away... She is just too busy for me right now. While this saddens me I just have to accept that. Patience she pleaded for and patience is what she is going to get. I'm not going to try and force my foot in the door any longer. When she misses me, I'm sure she will try to set up something all on her own. I just can't do it anymore... I feel like I try to force myself upon her daily. That's only going to drive her away. I don't have many friends to drive away anymore.... and she has been my best friend for a long time... It still hurts though. I mean she has all these excuses to not see me. These excuses only apply to me though. I don't know what to do... I can only keep complaining or shut up and find something else to do.

Since I know that Liz doesn't care about me anymore I've decided I'm not going to talk to her anymore. I'm not her friend anymore. I take friendship seriously and I don't like to play stupid little mind games like she does. So I hopped on Facebook and removed her from my friends. Not like she'll care anyway, but I don't want to read her stupid little updates anymore. I feel a genuine loathing for her... knowing that she is the reason why my best friend has drifted from me... Because she spent her time with Liz, and Liz didn't want me around. Call me cold, but I'm tired of the stupid games. Leading me on, pretending to be friendly to me... for what? Just so she can 'protect my feelings'? Why pretend to be my friend? Why waste the effort? I don't understand why she has to play stupid little games and then shit on me behind my back. I'de tell her to her face, but I'de rather not raise my blood pressure. So I decided to do her a favor. She doesn't have to pretend anymore because I figured her stupid little game out. She doesn't have to pretend anymore because we are through.

I am still going to try and patch things up with Keli and hopefully I don't continue to be intentionally or unintentionally neglected. I don't know what I would do without Nick. I would be going mad. I'm happy to have him in my life. Right now he is the only person who can be there for me. He makes the heartbreak sting less. He assured me that if I wait long enough, perhaps she will come around. ;____; I wish I didn't have to wait. I know I'm a burden to my best friend, but I really do need her. I hate that I need her.... I hate that I need anymore... There's not a single thing I can do about it... that's what frustrates me. Instead of arranging to spend more time with my friends, I ended up cutting one loose. I realize I am worth more than that. I am worth telling the truth to. I am worth it to some people and I shouldn't fret over the ones who don't care.

I'm venting still. I guess I'll keep waiting. Waiting waiting.

I wonder who else hates me but is keeping it a little secret.

I hate people and their mind games... Why can't people just be REAL... UGH.

Well that's one person down. Now realistically, I only have two friends in New Hampshire. They are Alyssa and Keli. Well, three if you include my lover. I am so hurt by Liz's actions. I wonder what she says about me behind my back... whatever I don't care.

drifting_from_the_heart/and_now_oceans_apart

2011-03-06T15:09:00.004-05:00

I am crazy about him. Deeper and deeper I am falling into this while everything else seems to slip further and further out of reach. I haven't seen my old friends (mmm... it's sad that my first thought was 'old') in what seems like forever now. I'm starting to doubt that our friendship will be the same again. If it's this hard to meet up with me living ten minutes away, how hard is it going to be when I live over an hour away. I find myself mourning a loss that hasn't happened yet.

*sigh* I know they have their own lives and their own problems, and their own wants and needs that are outside of me... I hate to say I need anything. But I've always felt like I needed them. Maybe I am just starting to find that.. perhaps I don't... or perhaps I shouldn't. There is only one person you can truly depend on and that is yours truly.

I used to take a stance that prevented me from making friends. Arguably I was better off that way. You can't miss anyone if you don't have anyone to miss. Maybe I'm growing bitter.... Maybe I should be. I feel like I had the best friends in the world and then they all just walked away like I was nothing to them. While they still call each other and hang out with each other every day I have to struggle just to get a word in at all... I should just shut my mouth... stop bitching.. and find people who actually do want me around...

Unfortunately the people who DO actually want me around are all in Mass now... But I will be closer to them soon. Nick is my only savior. Without him I would be so lost. I am lucky to have found him at a time when everyone else felt like just vanishing. Maybe it is just life telling me I need a new beginning... *sigh* I make myself sick.... I give up. If they want me, they know exactly where to find me...

On the other hand my relationship with Nick is only getting better and better. More and more I feel like he is the only person I can actually depend on to be there for me, with me. If it wasn't for him, I would be COMPLETELY alone :/ that thought scares me. Scares me a lot. I need to be colder. I need to be less sensitive. Less caring. I need to be that monster I always thought I was... Because if I don't I'm going to bury myself in the dispair of lost friendships, broken hearts, and wasted moments.

Love is a lie, happiness is fleeting, and your children will be ugly anyway. Goodbye.

you_would_never_know

2011-03-04T08:47:00.000-05:00

How I manage to drive myself over the edge... I don't know.

I feel strange. Locked inside.

But the job is going well. Hell I am even talking to some people. Meeting new people, trying to be friendly and helpful. This weekend will give me a good chance to relax...

700

2011-03-02T13:05:00.000-05:00

700 posts... whoah.

I can be delusional sometimes. I realize that there is no reason for me to think that Nick doesn't want me around. He has plenty of opportunity to cut out if he wanted to. I suppose what I am afraid of is being deceived. My ex had been a master at it. So much so that I thought he was happy, when really he had been wanting to leave me for a while. I guess I fear that Nick would find a reason to lie to me, it seems like everyone does... *sigh*

But there would be no gain for him to do that... right?

Just some thoughts.... I find I am happy more often.. or complacent. But angry less, sad less... I still have my moments. Like a few days ago I was frustrated and broke down over not being well adjusted and not participating well. I miss Nick almost every day. I still miss my friends and all. But I'm going to wait and see what happens with that. I think I've been rather clear about what I want and either it's ignored or no one has time or whatever. If they care to they will find time to contact me. If they don't, oh well.

It doesn't matter I guess...

Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me...

down_down_in_an_earlier_round

2011-03-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

Last night I just felt awful. The feeling persisted until this morning. I kept Nick up with my ramblings. I kept dozing off at work... almost dozed off in the car (maybe should have :/ )

It was the tone of voice he used that bothered me. Not necessarily what he said... I don't even remember what he said... I just felt he was upset with me.. for being upset. Which in turn made me more upset... which made him more upset with me... aaaaaand you know how it goes. I'm a fucking drama queen and It goes where I go...

I was hoping I wouldn't bring it here... but it appears that I can't be with anyone without dragging them through the dirt with me...

*sigh*

I just didn't expect him to not understand... Normally I feel like he had been... and he had been patient.. But this time it felt like he just wanted me to shut my mouth and stop whining. Maybe that's what I should have done... if I had any of that Lorezapram left I could have curbed the ensuing panic attack...

I hate myself sometimes.

Maybe he'll get tired of my bs just like everyone else...

high_sensitivity

2011-02-28T13:44:00.000-05:00

Today I feel so negative. Things have been catching up on me again. Nick seems to be feeling it too. There are so many things on my mind. Though my life is headed in a fairly positive direction.. I am troubled by a few things.

My dreams have been getting every more frighteningly realistic and violent. It makes me sick to recall it even. I know it shouldn't matter, they are just dreams right? Dreams can't hurt you. At least that's what I am led to believe. I kept waking up my body quivering with fear that was just as real as any other emotion. I felt sweat dripping down my chest and it took all of me not to break down in sobs. I felt my chest rising and falling sporadically. I've gotten used to the feeling of a panic attack. It is not so frightening as annoying.. painful. Ugh... All I can think of is those slate blue eyes with pupils so small and breath of whiskey and slurred speech..rough hands.. trembling... "Don't be scared my Angel" UGH, that's what he would call me.

My brother and his girlfriend broke up again. He comes to me saying how much he hates his life, and how much he thinks it is hopeless... I am angry that he expects me to just sit back and watch as he lets his 'lover' destroy him week after week. I went through it before... it's hard to love someone and have them shit all over your heart. Then you realize it was all lies... He keeps going through the ups and downs much like Matt and I were doing in the months before our relationship fell apart for good. So my brother gets mad at me when he asks me my opinion and I give it. I hate that I can't even be honest with him... it hurts. It really fucking hurts. I think he is so stupid for letting some bitch run his life and run his heart into the ground. It just kills me...

Ugh... what else is there...

I feel a growing distance between me and my best friend. But like the situation with Matt there is little I can do about it. If she doesn't want to talk to me, then that's that... If she doesn't trust me enough to talk about her issues with me... there's nothing I can do about that. I did all I could short of getting down on my knees and begging for it... I feel like something is wrong, but she'll never tell. I feel like maybe we are just growing apart. Or maybe I'm just jealous of what her and Liz seem to have... I do have a tendency to be jealous. We haven't seen each other in a few weeks, and I'm beginning to see that it's probably going to stay that way. Maybe if I don't expect anything I won't be disappointing when things go the way I think they are going...

Nick is about the only thing in my life I can depend on to not be playing games with my head. The only person out there who trusts me. Who values what I have to say... who wants my company. He has become that one person I confide in every day. I keep trying with my other friends... of course. I don't want to lose them... it just sucks being the only one putting in any effort at all to try and get together... I have a feeling if I were to just give up, I probably wouldn't ever see my best friend again... maybe I'm being over dramatic.... At least Nick is there for me. A place where I can always return to... Without him I would be alone and cold...

I'm getting tired of all this.... but I can bury myself in work and I can bury myself in Nick's chest while the tears roll down my face.

It will be ok... If there's one thing I know, it's that I will always (begrudgingly) survive.

I feel like I'm old
I feel like an invalid
I feel like I'm sick
In a casket so close the lid

I feel like I'm done
I feel like it's over now
I feel but I'm numb
Curtain falls while I take a bow and now

Substance races through my veins
Angels try to soothe my pain

High sensitivity
Wake up with my head still aching
High sensitivity
I'm drugged from all the pills I'm taking

I don't know my name
I don't know if I can make it
I don't feel the same
My brain is dead and I cannot wake it
I don't wanna run
I don't have a place to run to
I don't see the sun
I don't understand what I must do

Substance races through my veins
Angels try to soothe my pain

High sensitivity
I wake up with my head still aching
High sensitivity
I'm drugged from all the pills I'm taking
High sensitivity
I laugh, my self respect is flaking
High sensitivity
I hate all the mistakes I'm making

My money's running out
My shoes are wearing thin
Each day I break my back
To end where I begin
A razor full of blood is dragged across the sky
But I don't think I really want to die

High sensitivity
I wake up with my head still aching
High sensitivity
I'm drugged from all the pills I'm taking
High sensitivity
I laugh, my self respect is flaking
High sensitivity
I hate all the mistakes I'm making

333

2011-02-27T20:45:00.000-05:00

I am happy with the way things are going. I may not be getting the greatest salary I could with the degree I have.. but you have no idea how relieved I am that I have a job.. an actual job. I am a working girl now. I am a professional.

Nick and I were talking one night. I had asked him what it was that he saw in me that he wanted so badly. At the time we met, on September 22, I was a broke, heart-broken, miserable, wretch. I remember walking down the street in the rain with my brother Matt walking beside me. We had both been dumped by the people we were in love with. We talked about past pains and how it seemed so bleak. He said it was sad to see me so broken. Today Matt and I were talking again and he reminded me of those times. He said that I thought there was no future, no love, no hope.. and then look at where I was now. I have a great job, the best boyfriend on earth, a mother and step-mother who love me to death, a livable wage, I'm going to be moving to Nashua soon. Anyway... there were a few things he said. He saw some of the pictures on my Facebook. He showed me the ones that made his heart beat fast. He said he liked that I was educated, that I am an enginerd with a future. I was a little down on my luck... but he saw that I had worth. He smiled and said that he hadn't connected to anyone like that in a long time. He liked that he could have a complicated conversation and I could do more than tilt my head back and forth.

He told me some about what his ex had done to him. I remember feeling angry when I heard it. I went into a submissive posture and wasn't sure what to say. It was just so awful what she had done. He has expressed to me that he loves me.. he wants to stay with me. He feared that maybe my feelings would just up and change on him one day. He asked me if I fell out of love easily. To think that someone would be afraid that I would leave... That he cared so much that it would be hurtful if I did. He has the most beautiful smile in the world and eyes that shine with promise and potential. He is 21, so he has a few years back on me... but he is wise for his age. He intrigues me. There are so many subtle but interesting things about him. I love that he has always been kind to me. He loves it when I wake him up (most of the time anyway haha :P ). He greets me with a smile that could turn the arctic into a tropical paradise. His smell is amazing, intoxicating, musk... Oh I quiver to just think about it.

I am waiting for him now. He got out of work early :)

The other night we went to celebrate my first paycheck. We went to Szechuan Garden in Penacook for a scorpion bowl and two gin and tonics. It was funny the (bouncer took his ID) and did not believe it was him! He made Nick sign his name three times Nick was like "It's not a fake id..." The bouncer said "I don't think it is yours" I made a face... like what? His ID looks more like him than mine looks like mine. "You have got to be kidding me.. I have other forms of ID" The bouncer was only satisfied after he showed his AAA card, his Allegro badge, and his insurance card all with his game on it. Like omg...

I was watching the news today the national average for gas is $3.33/gallon... I keep seeing that number everywhere... I am beginning to wonder... really why... am I psychic or something... I find myself weirdly obsessed with it now..

love_what_you_got

2011-02-25T16:08:00.000-05:00

I am doing well. Work is going well. My relationship with the boy is going well. I can't believe that my life is going so perfectly. We talk every day. I fall asleep when I get home and around midnight I feel a small nudge on my side and I'm awoken to a happy smiling face eager with stories to tell me. He drove me to Nashua this morning, but the carpool was not on it's way to Mass today. I don't blame him, the roads were unbelievable. They still are unbelievable.

I am at home today. Missing my boy. I love him. I love everything about him. I still can't believe that my life has worked out so well. He is a dream come true to me. I can't believe that someone could feel so strongly for me and show me this every day.

I am not stupid. I know one day this could be just as much of a waste of time as any... but I love it while I have it. Ok?

I'll love his smile, the way he wakes me up, his surprises, his kind words, his patience, his caring, his body, his heart, his voice, his SMELL... if a person could be perfect, he would be pretty damn close.

shake_shake_shake_señora

2011-02-20T15:16:00.000-05:00

"Shannon are you ok?" "Are you ok?" I was sitting at my computer... must have dipped off. I clicked around on my screen. The look on my boss's face was that of concern. I wondered why. Why are you looking at me like that? Out of the corner of my vision I saw a stretcher and a few paramedics. To my dismay it was me they approached. They asked me a bunch of questions, and I furrowed my brow as I answered them.

"Where are you?" "I'm... mmm... at work?"
"What is today's date" I scrambled for an answer. I feel like I had spaced off. Last thing I remember I was eating a protein bar and surfing the internet on my lunch break. They asked me my age. I flushed suddenly. 22? 23? Shit.... "twenty three" I said confidently. But I wasn't sure. I realized in the ambulance that I was wrong. "What is going on? What is this?" They passed me a device to feed oxygen to my nostrils. "You had a seizure, you were shaking violently" I lowered my head and my mind started to race. The sirens came on. I laid my head down feeling defeated. I started to cry... how could this have happened?

I went into work the next day. My boss had a talk with me. He said if I needed anything they were there for me. I feel good about that.

Tomorrow is presidents day. My boy has something planned. I can't wait :) He treats me like a queen. We had a serious discussion the other day on a serious topic... I don't rightly want to write about it for privacy's sake. I was concerned about something. I had to say something before we got to deep into this... I found he cares about me... I can tell him anything. I can feel that he is open and honest with me. There is little need for walls because there is nothing to defend against.

My Dad invited him to live with us for now. While we look for a place to live for now. We talked about this for days. About how foolish it was. About how soon it was. I am not afraid this time :) That boy has a way about him. A calmness and an understanding. It intrigues and amazes me. It fulfills and astounds me. I can't say it enough... I am the luckiest girl alive.

He is not afraid to say that he wants to be with me forever. He is not afraid to say that he will never leave me. I think he came around at just the perfect time. I feel my heart flutter whenever he enters the room. I am sleepless around him. He thinks I am beautiful, charming, funny, smart. He loves that I understand the things he talks about. He loves my sick, punny sense of humor. I am so lucky. I am his everything. I have never had it so good :)

It just goes to show how blinded I was by my own desperation. If you have to hold on for dear life.. it isn't love. Love isn't jealous or afraid. Love is that smile you can't erase.

I heard the phone ringing as I called. "Are you ok?" I heard his voice, the concern. I was scared and sad. "Your Dad called me..." I closed my eyes. The benzos I was given at the hospital were kicking in... I felt numb. "mmm"

you_the_fucking_best

2011-02-13T18:06:00.000-05:00

I say you the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the fucking best, you the fucking best
You the best I ever had, best I ever had
Best I ever had, best I ever had

My life has been moving along great. I started my job, and while the commute is a doozy it is not impossible. I am doing well for myself now and will be making plenty of money. Some think it will be hard for me. But were talking to someone who lived with poverty for long enough. It will be nice to have some spare cash laying around. I can relax for once and I'll be able to cover my bills and expenses and then some. I am happy for that. I am happy to be so lucky. I'll be able to pay off my loans and everything will be golden!

I am happy with the way things are going with Nick. It is hard to fathom how we got so far in a few short months. The women who let him go was a fool, I say. He has everything I was ever looking for in a person. He is funny and loves to laugh. He is intelligent and loves to talk. He is extremely affectionate, like myself. Tomorrow is Valentines day, unfortunately I'll spend it working... but I wanted to do something for him. His mother and grandmother both seem to think I am this wonderful angel. He comes home to me every night. He texts me on his break to tell me he misses me or he loves me or something funny happened. He rubs my back when I do the dishes. He never shoos me away. We don't fight. We are happy together... I do miss him when he's gone. But I know he is not up to no good. He respects me. He respects me because of my education and conversation. It was one of the things he said he liked about me. He can bounce ideas off of me and I can respond in an intelligent way.... :) I'm so glad he can appreciate that. He grew up somewhat like I did. So he knows the value of a dollar. He grew up in a harsh place, so he understand cruelty... It is good to know I can talk to him and he can understand me emotionally. It's like he's an empath. And he said to me before "It's like you know what I want before I have to say anything." Well... I feel the same way about him.

I just feel so loved. When I am in his arms I feel the warmth and strength of his feelings for me. I feel like I make him so happy. The things I do for him he appreciates and thanks me handsomely. It helps me know I am doing a good job. It helps me know that I please him. I do. I see it in his face. He has so many dreams too. The main goal is to work in some pharmacy application. I want to see them come true.

I think back to a few months ago. All those times I tried to force a relationship to work... so I could stay with the person I loved, and there is no denying I loved before, were hopeless and unwarranted. I had been told this already by a wise man. I thought a relationship was worth the headaches and the pain. It was worth worrying whether he was out with some girl, or worry about his statements about not appreciating me, or worry about his fading love and the messages he sent to other girls. The jealousy. It was an animal. But I tried to work past these things. Because having someone to love, despite the hurt, was better than having nothing at all. Now I see that is not true... It was a hopeless effort to glue together an already shattered vessel. But it was never the vessel that mattered... it was the contents that had already spilled onto the floor and soaked up in the carpet leaving that unimaginable stain. No... it was a hopeless endeavor that helped me grow. Without them I wouldn't understand how a relationship should not work.

I am so happy things worked out this way. It is like it was all meant to happen.

(5:22:30 PM) Brian: still I do keep the assumption that what I say on the Internet goes to real people
(5:22:35 PM) Shay: no
(5:22:37 PM) Brian: I never was a douchebag in Guild Wars for that reason
(5:22:37 PM) Shay: i'm a bot
(5:22:40 PM) Shay: made by shay
(5:22:42 PM) Shay: to act like shay
(5:22:45 PM) Brian: you're damn clever

lazy_day

2011-02-06T17:04:00.000-05:00

Today ticks by like clockwork. Every day is going to end up feeling like that. I have to work tomorrow and I can't wait. I am rather anxious about it, but I know I shouldn't be. I have been assured of many things from the people in my life... most importantly that I would succeed. I was on the edge of giving up. I doubt myself a bit too much at times. In the past I have felt so worthless. It was like I couldn't make anyone happy. There was always something to feel ashamed of; always something that could not be forgiven either by myself or by the minds of others. I could look in the mirror and spot every imperfection on my face. I can think back on all of the wicked things I have done and the ways I have cheated myself and others... I know this gets me nowhere.

Today I keep reminding myself that I will be fine. That no one can stop me in my tracks again. I remember my perpetual misery like I remember everything else. But somehow, now I can pause and think of the future. Think of where my life is going and the people who I choose to include in it.

Keli has been my friend for a long time now. We met in high school and she was one of the few people I felt comfortable talking to. That comfort grew into friendship. We were talking about it the other day. I remember in chorus we sat on opposite sides of the room so we would use sign language to communicate. We would sit there when Mr. Livernois' head was turned and spell out the things we wanted to say. She could always figure out when I was having a bad day. We were there for each other in dark times and happy times. So many memories. Countless nights at her house staying up and talking, playing, computing, drinking, laughing... She is still my best friend to this day. I don't know what I would do without her.

Liz has been there for me throughout this whole time. We don't really talk so much anymore. We were a gang of three and we would go all over concord and NH to scream at passing cars and laugh and cry.

Nick has become an increasingly important part of my life. I have never fallen for someone so fast as this; so fast, so hard, so completely. I can't wait to see how this goes. I love you Nick, always ;)

last_night_of_freedom

2011-02-05T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am hoping to make it count.

Every day seems to get a bit better. I am in love with the greatest boy on earth, and he loves me to death. I have a good job under my belt. My friends are my angels...

I am so happy.

Nick is a shining light in my life. Four more hours until I get to see him again. I wish time would pass a little faster.

The girl that let this one go was a fool.

my_enemy's_friend_is_my_enemy

2011-02-03T15:29:00.001-05:00

I am waiting on hearing from the kid who robbed me. The kid who robbed me and is somehow still friends with both of my friends. Keli and Liz are out hanging out today. I won't say I'm not jealous. But I accept that I simply aren't invited out anymore to be with them. I guess that's just the way life is right?

I can't wait to move. To move away from here.

I can't be wrong this time. It feels too good to be wrong.

I have so many thoughts swimming in my head about this.

I don't know who is really on my side or not. But I've pretty much decided I shouldn't worry about it. Either way I am going to be fine. If my friends leave me. I'll find more. If my boy leaves me, I'll pull another person's heartstrings. If my family bails, I'm my own family. NOTHING can stand in my way and it doesn't matter that few will stand with me.

I need to make new friends :/ Being lonely all day sucks and my old friends simply don't bother to be around me unless I poke and prod for hours on end. I'm tired of it having to be that way. I should just sit back and wait. It will become clear shortly enough if I stop putting in all the effort myself.

I will be fine on my own.

don't_you_cry

2011-01-30T18:38:00.000-05:00

I was very down yesterday. The day today has been no exception. I wafted in and out of consciousness and dreamed big and small. I slept until five as usual uninterrupted. I didn't imagine this would be how I was spending my last few weeks here. I expected it to be more fun. That I would celebrate and live up my life for the last week I can. But I'm living it like a wraith, but I guess that's how it has always been. It's only proof that this change is good. I won't be lonely at work.

Last night was magical. Warren managed to remain at my Mother's house (grr), so Nick and I had the place to ourselves. I had felt horrible. My mouth was so underused I felt like a ghost. People don't notice me anymore. It's like I'm not even here. If I manage to get a 'hello' that's pretty amazing. But Nick came over and I spent the evening in his company. He stroked my hair and we just talked. It was nice to be in his arms and feel at peace. It makes up for the neglect in every other part of my life. Knowing that one person will be there no matter what. At least for now.

Without all the details. It was amazing to feel like someone was paying attention to me. That someone cared enough to ask how my day was. That someone wanted to hold me and show me I was loved and cared for. We talked a lot last night. It was kind of sobering. We spoke of our insecurities. He worried that I would find someone at work with more going for them than he did. I worried he would find someone at school more worth his time than I was (since I'm going to be working and we will not be sharing days off...) I concluded there is little I should worry about.

I'll miss my friends and my carefree lifestyle. I'm giving it up for a life behind the desk. I've expressed my concerns on this subject with Keli at least. Maybe things will work out. I should be more positive but I don't really want to keep my hopes too high. Life is full of bitter disappointments.

LOVE is a LIE, HAPPINESS is FLEETING, and your CHILDREN will be UGLY anyway.

It will be different... that's for sure. But either way I will persevere as I always have. Somehow. But this time I will have money :)

hate_me_today

2011-01-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty depressed lately. I was laying in bed this morning staring up at the ceiling and the back of my eyelids watching the daylight tick away. I could have gotten out of bed. I could hear my parents in the next room. "What is the point?" What is the point of getting up if I'm going to veg out anyway. I am devoid of company during the day. I feel uncomfortable around my parents. Unwanted-unliked just another road block they must maneuver around. That waste of skin and flesh being me. I just want to sit back and get fucked up and forget what it's like to live inside my head. It's not fair that I should be stirring with such turmoil.

My mother is a cunt. She is still on her fanatical tyrant of hate for me. My last week of freedom and she can't even grow up enough to say congrats. I hate her... I hate her so much. I hate myself. I hate feeling this way. I hate that my brothers always choose her over seeing me. They won't talk to me for days or weeks... and this is my last week of freedom really. I doubt they will see me. I made it clear that I wanted them to come... but alas... I'm just not worth the time of day. If only I had the guts to take a silver tube to my throat and pull the trigger. My last dieing gasps would be choked with blood that rains and spatters like a wicked rainstorm... I would leave flakes of bone and brain matter all over her kitchen floor that she would have to remember for years to come. That is the only way I can imagine that I could manifest myself as a hateful image and haunt her soul for eternity. Never would she forget my messed up face and my body blood soaked and crumpled on the floor.

Then she would be sorry for all the things she did to me.... ALL of the pain she caused me.

I want to be happy. Right now that is in Nick's arms. I feel safe and secure. He's the only person I've been talking to, besides his cousins. My friends have all been sitting on the backburner... I wonder if they don't want to see me either. I keep proposing chances but I either get nothing back or they are sick (and then go out to the movies with someone else... I guess she wasn't feeling bad enough to exclude all her friends). *sigh* Its like no one wants me except for YOU.... I want to run away, far away to a place where no one knows my name. Or move closer to friends who do actually want my company and want me around. Because it's clear that no one here does...

I hate myself. I'm being melodramatic. But that's what happens when you go for days with no social interaction outside of yourself and one person. I'm going to drive myself mad. I want this to be the best week of my life. But all I can do is lay in bed and sleep.. texting people hoping they will want to hang out with me only to find that they don't.

I have not felt so miserable in a while. I hate the winter... I can't wait till the summer... I can go to the beach with my lovely. I'll have new friends by then, friends who will maybe try to set something up with me. It is clear to me that I have grown stale to these people... I have to get out of here. Maybe they will miss me then...

I don't know what to do... I feel so awful. Tomorrow I want it to be different. Even if I have to go somewhere by myself

or_shat

2011-01-24T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well... just goes to show you that you shouldn't trust people with money and I'm a bad judge of character.

Good night :/

and_the_punchline_to_the_joke_is...

2011-01-23T18:30:00.000-05:00

I keep trying to remember that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am just like everyone else. Nick tells me every single day what a wonderful thing I am to him. I can only hope that he understands that he means just as much to me. I say it whenever I can.

I think things are going well between us and the future holds a lot for us.

I have felt snappish lately. I don't want to be around a lot of people. I feel unwanted and un-liked by many of those in my life right now. I guess whether it is true or not is a moot point. I know that I have been a serious waste of time, but... now I'm going off and joining the machine just like everyone wanted me to. It's going to be hard on me. I know this... but I will excel just as I always have. With any luck I will make plenty of money. I feel like my life may mean something.

One of the few things that keeps me from snapping off the point of my hypothetical pencil is you...

I didn't say it, but I was thinking it the other night. He told me he has a hard time trusting people.. but around me he feels like he can be himself unguarded. It scarily reminds me of myself. I know what I wreck I could be. It's funny to say "I worry about my anxiety" I push the negative thoughts aside for now. It is wonderful to feel loved. It is wonderful to feel liked. To feel like someone actually cares.

He has been on his own since 18. In some ways he is older than I am. Numbers mean little in the grand scheme of things anyway.

I'm insecure. Nothing I can do can hide that fact. I have a hard time trusting others. I have some inclinations as to why. I caught myself doing something the other day that I didn't realize. "...when we break up" "not when... if" As much as I want something permanent I can hardly believe in permanency. Nothing has ever been permanent for me before (except maybe my inner dialog). Things change every single month... year... three years. It is a conundrum, I know the harder I try to hold on to the past with clenched fists the faster it will slip between my fingers like dust. Things will always be changing around me... so I figure why waste my effort fighting the current?

It's really kind of sad now that I think about it... My head tries to protect itself by saying 'when this is over, there will be something else'... that's about the only true fact of life I have known. But there is always that 'when'. I remember telling a friend, trying to explain myself for a lie I had told. I'm not afraid of the wicked people. I'm not afraid of those who will spit in my face. I'm afraid of the ones who will pull at my heartstrings with their kindness. It's those I fear. My Mother does it every few months or so it seems... she will pull me in with promises of a better relationship... then when I lower my shield she comes in teeth and claws bared like she was going for my throat the whole time... When I was young... in the basement... he would call me 'his little angel'. The word makes me cringe to the day. He said I was 'pretty'. He would give me gifts for my suffering and for my silence most importantly...

It is those that are kind to me... those are the people I truly fear. Because I know that every single time... I'm never going to see it coming... It will blind side me. That thing inside me, that doubt, will come back, spit in my face, and tell me that it was right all along. It frustrates me to no end.

I feel love. I feel it like a needle in my arm. My head grows light and I can't quite tell exactly why I am smiling. It's like that... it feels so good. I feel comfortable and safe. It is that... that's the thing... I feel good. So when is my head going to stop spinning? (if my head is going to stop spinning..)

What is the punchline?

I don't think it's going to end that way... I don't want it to. I've had enough bullshit in my life. I'm not going to mess this up because of the mistakes in my past and the mistakes of others in my past. I'm not going to assume that this boy is going to squeeze my heart until it bursts... or he will. I know this. I KNOW this. I will close my eyes and cover my ears again as I walk down the tracks. It hurts more that way, but it feels so much better not to worry... not to see the train coming at you from a distance.

And will you pray for me
Make them say your name
Will you lay for me?
And make a saint of me?
‘Cause I’ll give you all the nails you need
Cover me in gasoline
Wipe away those tears of blood again
And the punch line to the joke is asking
SOMEONE SAVE US

good_things_to_come

2011-01-20T18:13:00.000-05:00

I got a job offer at MEDITECH today. Tomorrow morning I am going to call them and accept the offer. I am very excited for this opportunity and feel that I can now make all of those people that helped me get this far proud. It was hard feeling like a failure. I was nothing; a 23 year old living with her parents, got laid off from her seasonal job, scrounging up change for gas, living on the kindness of others. Perhaps the only thing I was good at was being a good girlfriend. It is hard for me to feel useless... I try and distract myself day in and day out from the inevitable mental bashing I will receive the next time I walk in front of a mirror. The next time I will look at myself and hate the thing I was becoming.

Now I have a job... At the very least I can go off and live by my own accord and not bring anyone down. But I can also do so much more... Maybe a small push was what I needed.

I went into Auto-zone with Nick the other day to pick up a part. In the store was his father who he hadn't talked to in a long time. I was confused at first, but Nick introduced us "Shay this is my Dad" I smiled of course and shook his hand like a good lady should. His Dad had mentioned something about how he didn't see much of anyone anymore. That small comment? an invitation?

We both decided that it was a sign of good things to come. Needless to say we survived the drive home. I'm stuck being without the bottle for at least 10 days. I start my new job soon. His father may re-enter his life and become a greater part of it. Hell, I was online today and noticed that my Ex was moving, that means he probably graduated. I wanted to congratulate him, but I'm sure many someone elses will do it for me. I know I am no longer a welcome part in his life, and (for now at least) I am accepting that. But the point is...Good things to come.

I just feel so happy and there is reason to be celebrating :)

fucked_up

2011-01-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so up and down. It makes me nauseated. I slept until four this afternoon and all I could think about all day was how to get fucked up. But I did not indulge... I feel like enough of a disappointment as it is. Right after saying I wasn't going to drink I get shitfaced again... I do have a tendency to make bad choices. Maybe I'm just TRYING to push everyone away.

I've got to be better... I need to be good to myself. I thought this nightmarish pattern was over for me. But you can never truly drive away the animal inside. If it's not alcohol it's food or worse. If I keep doing this every few months I'm going to drive myself mad and probably drive everyone else around me mad...

I miss my brother Matt. My wench of a mother doesn't welcome me into her home anymore. This isn't the first or the last time. I should just bend over and apologize like I always do. Something my Mother could never do without someone wrenching her arm behind her back threatening to tear it off and beat her with it... but I don't think it's 'sorry' that she would say... it sounded more like 'uncle'....

I'm so bitter. I'm a monster I feel so much anger sometimes. I can't control these emotions. I should just be alone I got to be alone... But not tonight... I know there is one person out there who can make me smile on a whim. Who loves to... Who loves me...

I need to be good, I need to be better... For my own sake and for his... I don't want to go through the same shit I went through so many months ago now... I need to calm down and just let the happiness take me.

I need to see Keli... I miss her a lot. I need to see Matt, my brother, more often than never. I need a job. I need to feel useful. I need to see people in Mass. I need a lot of things..

Importantly, I need to keep taking my medication.

it_was_only_just_a_dream

2011-01-16T16:45:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am living a dream right now.

Words can't even hope to compare to the things I feel inside. My skin crawls deliciously when I feel your warm breath on the back of my neck. Sleeping is so hard to come by and yet so easy at the same time. I struggle to stay awake and hold on to every breath, every word, every rise and fall of your chest. How can I rest when I am truly enchanted by your every motion. Oh, even when your asleep and your mouth hangs open ;)

I am utterly amazed that things could work out so well. The things you said to me last night only made my head swim further and further into the abyss. Remember? Readers? I said I can either jump or not jump. I've jumped and reached maximum velocity. Call me a fool. Go ahead. I don't care anymore. If something can really be this god-damn easy... why would I try to fight it?

I may be stupid for saying all of this. I've been reamed before by this type of thinking. I've been slaughtered emotionally by this kind of thinking. But you know what? I guess one more shot isn't going to kill me. And.... it just... feels so good... how could I not?

It's like you know what I'm thinking... it's like you know exactly what to say to evoke a certain response from me... And you know what? If that is all it is, keep up the good work ;)

Lordy... I just... I don't know. It seems almost wrong for me to feel so happy about this. But I don't really care :) I'm going to be happy because that is how I feel. Period.

to_the_bitter_end

2011-01-15T17:03:00.000-05:00

I got a bit out of hand the other night. The past few days have been kind of hazy. It brings me back to a time where I would drink non-stop for days. I didn't feel sick this morning, in fact I felt that last night was quite a bit of fun. But when you wake up in the morning and you can't piece together the night before you know that you are in trouble... When you misplace forty dollars. When you can only think of the next time you are going to get messed up. I am even thinking about it right now...

I hate that part of me that only wants to continue in the same pitiful cycle. I watched some TV... Intervention today. I see myself in those tortured people sometimes. I am one of them. One of the misguided. It goes against everything I have known when he calls me 'perfect'. I see all those things in myself that I know aren't perfect.. I'm stuck looking at all of the dirty things... Like the scars on my arms and legs... My messy hair. My lopsided teeth. My unquenchable drive to beat myself any chance I get. That part of me that is a monster...

Today I swore I would not drink. So far I haven't. But the urge lingers in the back of my mind like a virus. I'm a monster. I still dream in horrors. I just want to see my lover again tonight and make things better. Make things right. I need to control this or I won't have anything in the end. That's the one thing I know for sure about alcohol is that it ruins lives. I feel especially guilty knowing that he has seen people struggle with it before, someone who was very close to him. I need to be better about what lows I accept and what lows I don't. This has caused me and others such pain in the past. It is something I can barely control at best... and something I can only pretend to hide.

I have to stop pretending that my actions don't affect others... because they do. Oh yes they do...

i_tried_again

2011-01-14T20:20:00.003-05:00

I'm so stupid...

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note that said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

heaven_help_us_now

2011-01-14T14:12:00.000-05:00

Today I feel off. The anxiety is really starting to gnaw away at me. I crashed last night and could barely even stay awake. If I didn't force myself out of bed just now I would still be in there rolling in my sleep waiting for some ending to my awakenings.

I feel like drowning myself in a bottle.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so empty. I spend my days alone.

I've been told I should not let anyone direct my life, especially not a lover.. But these same people don't seem to understand that... I need someone, I need people. I go crazy when I'm alone. I want to be sucessful.

"You got to put your career above your family" How could I learn to be so cold? I can't even put the people behind me who continue to stab me in the back every chance they get? How can I abandon the good ones too.

No one is going to be happy with the choice I am going to likely make in the end. People never are...

I wish I could give up... life is like a trial... My name is tarnished just by being here.

Hear the sound
The angels come screaming
Down your voice
I hear you've been bleeding

Make your choice
They say you've been pleading
Someone save us

Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you're falling down

I'm at this old hotel
But can't tell if I've been breathing or sleeping
Or screaming or waiting for the man to call
And maybe all of the above
Cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps
While spitting out the blood and screaming
"Someone save us!"

Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you're falling down

And will you pray for me?
Or make a saint of me?
And will you lay for me?
Or make a saint of?

Cause I'll give you all the nails you need
Cover me in gasoline
Wipe away those tears of blood again
And the punchline to the joke is asking
Someone save us

Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you fall

And would you pray for me?
(You don't know a thing about my sins
How the misery begins)
Or make a saint of me?
(You don't know
So I'm burning, I'm burning)
And will you lay for me?
(You don't know a thing about my sins
How the misery begins)
Or make a saint?
(You don't know
Cause I'm burning, I'm burning)

Cause I'll give you all the nails you need
(I'm burning, I'm burning again)
Cover me in gasoline again

so_another_day

2011-01-10T19:27:00.002-05:00

Another day goes by :) another day I am closer to success.

sigh

2011-01-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

I'm excited for the opportunities that have fallen in my lap. I am also very anxious. My stomach aches all the time. I went out for lunch with my Grammy today and she took me out to get some clothes that I needed. It was nice to sit around and talk to her. I had to keep breaking plans with her because something would come up. I felt kind of bad about it really... But I do see her a lot more than either of my brothers bother to.

I was going to go hang out with my brothers this afternoon to catch up on things, drink beers, and watch the game... But well. I guess I'm not really wanted around. I was not invited. And when I said I could get myself over there I was denied. Whatever I guess. I shouldn't let it bother me but they have been one of the few people who I thought cared about me. So naturally I slipped into my emo status and crawled into bed so that time would pass faster until someone might actually want to spend time with me.

I felt so lonely the other night. Luckily Nick is there to chase the loneliness away. But I need to see other people as well. I haven't seen Keli or Liz in a while. I haven't seen Zeb. I haven't seen my brothers. I feel a bit cabin feverish and it's no one's responsibility to fix that... But I wish that people wanted to see me more. It feels that lately people want my company less and less. While Nick is the only one who happily obliges on a daily basis (and yeah pretty much every single day).

I'm lucky for him. Still thinking about the next few months and what that is going to bring for the both of us. I think it will be great things :)

everybody_loves_donuts

2011-01-07T20:20:00.000-05:00

Heh. The stern hand would be to help you manage your crippling self-hate
It's like the good book says "Maybe you just need a good beating"

Life is very interesting all of a sudden. I'm faced with something good. Two opportunities have fallen into my lap and I have a good chance at both. This is a god send. In a time where my stomach has been starting to eat itself it's nice to know that there is something for me on the horizon other than being hopelessly broke and worthless.

I've mentioned not long ago that I feel like a child. I feel like I can't be of any service to those that I want to service. I can only sit back and watch them struggle... and this really does bother me.

But now if things so well that will all change.

I have something I need to think about... I have refrained from writing about it. Because again, I don't want to jinx anything...

I'm so glad for all the people who have helped me get to where I am. The people who stuck by my side no matter what. The people who continue to try and help me excel. Also grateful for the boy who has been cheering me on since the day I met him :) I think things will be just fine.

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
Let's eat just one or two-oo

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
You and I should share a few-oo-oo

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts (Go)

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts....

Gimme Crullers and Vanities
Comfits and Fritters and Long Johns please
Don't hold back, I almost been passed out
I need me some yum yums and some cream filled rounds

You wanna get fancy I'm right there with ya
Let's get some Fasnachts and some Croquembouches
You wanna keep it simple I'll take a Jelly Roll
But just don't ev' forget about the sprinkles oh-ho!

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
Let's eat just one or two-oo

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
You and I should share a few-oo-oo

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts (Go)

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts...."

love_hate_sex_pain

2011-01-06T20:25:00.001-05:00

Heh...

I spoke too soon.

*insert rant*

The boy has hit a hard time. As it were his roommates no longer want him around. It was understood that it was a temporary arrangement, just how temporary was a bit up in the air. Of course no one has enough balls to say a single word about it until yesterday. I'm not going to lie. I was starting to like a few of them. They seemed like alright people. Albeit a bit shallow and conceited, but aren't we all? But this has deeply dampened my opinion of them. Get this... The reason he's gotta boot so fast is because one of the kids is not happy with having just one room. He's gotta have two. Greedy much? Like really. Nick is paying equal rent for a closet...A CLOSET. The tiniest room in the house besides THE BATHROOM. And this kid has the gall to bitch about not having enough space. WHAT A TOOL.

But I guess that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that the cud couldn't even man up, GROW A PAIR, and tell Nick to his face... no... He had to play the telephone game and enlist a messenger. No offense to the messenger (cause I believe you shouldn't kill them) but... empathy is something THAT cud does not possess... at all. I just don't know... It's cruel. If Nick's car would stop shitting the bed every other day perhaps he could have time and money to get another place... It's sad... it really is. None of them really give a fuck. They'll just drop him like a penny in a wishing well. And said messenger has the gall to be all like "Oh, and btw are we coolz?" Are you fucking stupid?

I forget an important detail. Months ago when they were looking for an apartment, Nick was on the list to be a permanent roommate. Oh... but instead they go out and find a place that has plenty of room and tell Nick to practically fuck himself. Haha, kid you get to move TWICE in a few months. Fuck you, but we decided that you aren't good enough to stay with us. THAT IS BULLSHIT. Like seriously. What kind of fucked up world do I live in? So I gotta watch him suffer through all this because all these FUCKS can think about is getting their own DICKS WET.

Words were exchanged the other night that worried me. I don't like to see that kind of hurt in him... but it does hurt. I know it hurts. And what am I going to do? I'm just a waste of a person with no money and no way to help him... I'm just another dead weight and expense for him... I feel that I am anyway... Ugh... I make myself sick. My stomach has been whurring ever since. I couldn't sleep. I know I shouldn't worry this hard but the anxiety gets to me. I just... I just want him to be happy... But it's hard when all of these stupid fucks can't think past their own cocks.

I hate people sometimes... -1 for the world.

I just can't believe this. Things seemed to be going so well... and it makes me so livid to see such a talented mind go to waste because people suck... I am an emotional vampire. When someone is hurt, it cuts me like a knife.

I want something serious, to be mutilated and hurt. To have the turmoil around me be reflected on my body for all to see... The shame and filth covering me...

I wish I wasn't so useless...

I wish there was something I could do...

*rant complete*

In this life I'm me,
Just sitting here alone
and by the way I tried to say I'd be there
For you
Walk beside an emptiness
That leads me by my hands
And throw away
What I don't understand, as a man

Love-Hate-Sex-Pain
It's complicating me sometimes
This love-Hate-Sex-Pain
Is underestimating life

And I wonder as I tear away my skin
It's taken me so long to stitch
These wounds from where I've been
And mother please don't bury me
I'm hanging for my life
It's hard to say that I would be complete
Before I die

Love-Hate-Sex-Pain
It's complicating me sometimes
This love-Hate-Sex-Pain
Is underestimating life

Don't you worry please
Don't you leave me
Because I slowly slip away
Through love, hate, sex, and pain
I fall away into
Love, hate sex, and pain

Love-Hate-Sex-Pain
It's complicating me sometimes
This love-Hate-Sex-Pain
Is underestimating life

Love-Hate-Sex-Pain
It's complicating me sometimes
This love-Hate-Sex-Pain
Is underestimating life

today_is_the_greatest

2011-01-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

The end of my career as a professional relaxer is coming to an end. I am marching forward the beat of my own internal drum. It beats soft and slow, but it gets the job done as you all well know. There have been a few tweeks of drama in the past few days but I'm not going to let that get me down. All the haters can go drown themselves in their own hate while I sail on a ship of peace.

I am off to meet a friend again today for some food and some talk. Long time ago we had been good friends, but circumstances created a hiatus on that. I find it funny though. A window closes and another one that has been closed before opens yet again. He goes back to Seattle tomorrow, but I'm glad another person has re-entered my life just as another walked out.

I spent another night with Nick. He arrived late at night as usual after his shift. I find it amazing that he will take the time to come see me, not because he has to, but because he wants to. We rolled over to his cousin's house and talked for a few hours, watched the season finally of Prison Break, and looked at some cars in Gran Tourismo. We came home and laid down to sleep. We ended up talking for a period of time. He told me about when his grandfather was in the hospital a few years ago. How he would tell him every day about the things he ate. Then he said "Isn't it cruel what we do to ourselves? Not knowing what will really matter in the end" I've been thinking about this. I'm not sure what is going to matter. But I feel whatever matters right now is all I really have. Maybe I could go above that, but you know... Then I would hardly be human at all.

We curled up close and no words were needed after a while. It must have been late, we didn't even try to fall asleep until well after 3pm knowing that he would have to wake up at 10am to fix his car with his cousin. I have never been so happy. It amazes me that every single day seems to only get better. I believe a little bit more. I believe that I can be happy, I believe that I am happy. I believe it. It is too soon to draw any conclusions of course, but... I don't know. There is something very special about this person, and I want to decipher all of it.

In his arms I feel like I am floating. It is something I needed to feel again. That warmth. The gentle rise and fall of his chest. I can tell when he falls asleep. His breathing deepens and his grip relaxes. I like being on my knees before him. I like being his special little girl.

As far as I can tell there are no lies and no need to lie. The truth comes easy. And he is extremely empathetic like myself.

Could anything be more perfect? Perfect does exist and I've found it. To all those who said it can't be found, I implore you to look just a little bit harder :)

day_i_have_ever_known

according_to_you

2011-01-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

ifyp...

I feel your pain
I flipped your pancakes
I fucked your penis
I filled your pipe
I fixed your problem
I felt your pulse
I forked your pork

I saw this as a license plate today, so Nick and I started to try and figure out what it stood for. Ends up it can stand for a lot of things.

I think I have somehow reconciled the whole situation with Matt. So what if he doesn't want to be my friend? So what if he can't grow up and get over what happened over five months ago? So what if I have lost something? Maybe it was never really worth it.

Nick and I were talking about cognitive dissonance. If one is to hold two separate beliefs there must be some way which they can be reconciled. I believed at one point Matt was a good person with a heart and a good head on his shoulders. Hell I was desperately and foolishly in love with him. I could see that he was a good person, that he was a bit rough around the edges and a bit naive but a good person. Then I associated him with only pain. With the pain I ultimately brought to the surface but he propitiated. The thing he still holds close to his heart is that night that happened all those months ago. If that is all he wishes to see, then that is all he wishes to see. The thing that hurts me the most was all those times where he was like "I will always be your friend" and then when I go out and try to be his friend he's all like "Nah fuck you". So I reconcile these two opinions by saying I was blind and stupid then and couldn't see him for what he really was.

If he can't accept the way things are now then he can't.... Because well lets be fair, it was 100% his choice because I left it that way. Then I begged him to take me back, but still was 100% his choice... cause MY choice was to try and work it out. We were both naive and stupid, I'm just the only one willing to admit it. Our relationship had been failing for a loooooong time before then. We were both too blind to see it... but at least now I can admit it to myself even if he can't. And well, because of how things turned out he can't even be a friend. He is cold and bitter... and well. I can't do anything about that. So why should I grow gray hairs when I have someone here at my side now who things I am beautiful and the best and so captivating and intelligent. I missed one resolution this year.

"My new years resolution is to stop thinking of ways on how to get you to forgive me. Have a good life" - Post Secret

I gotta continue my life and not let my obsession for making things right get in the way. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do. Sometimes it's not my problem, it's their problem. If he hates me so much I should just let him hate me. My last messages to him surely support this. Maybe now he'll hate me forever and not regret turning away my friendship. If he hates me it will be easier on him. If I hate him it would be easier on me (meh... I wish I did). Though I was talking with an old friend the other day, the friend I lost when I started dating Matt. Scali told me a few things about when he saw Matt's colors for himself. I didn't remember some of it... I think if I had things would've been different.

But that's it. I'm not going to waste my breath on someone who doesn't want it. I have enough people in my life who actually do care.

It is time for me to stop fretting over the past and my ex and continue my life by moving forward with my current boyfriend who is a dream come true :) Because you know what? To appreciate what I have now I had to see what it was like to be treated as a mediocre pain in someone's side. Now I know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect and trust and genuine love and care.

It feels so good to be appreciated and thanked for all of the little things I do. It feels so good to be pulled up close to his chest while he strokes my hair and allows me to be small (and his smell :) ). It makes me beam when he calls me obedient. It makes my heart beat so slow with every word he says, as if it is slowing down so I can hear better. When he gives me that silly look when I say something funny. Or that evil laugh he has when something is REAAAALLY funny. There are just so many things about him that make my heart flutter. It feels so good to be wanted. The last leg of my relationship with Matt it always felt like I had to talk him into wanting to see me. Like it was some kind of chore. But with Nick, I can't keep him away :) He loves it when I text him and he loves to come see me when he can. He misses me when I am gone (and doesn't just say it). I am a fool for allowing myself to be bothered by all this :) I should really just look toward what I DO have and not mourn what I lost...because perhaps it wasn't even all that great in the first place. Now I have someone who actually likes me for me... not for what I could be.

This is a lot of bitching and moaning I know... hehe. But I wanted it to be the last. I realize it is a waste of time to feel bad over this. I at least tried to make things right. And you know what, if he tries to talk to me in the future I will welcome it with open arms (unlike what he did to me :/ but I'm not here to hold a grudge). I won't be waiting or expecting. In fact I think he probably won't ever talk to me again, I think it was a bunch of lies. But the point is, I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I need my energy to love the one who loves me.

I go through a lot of bullshit in my life, but you know what? If all this didn't happen I would not have met Nick on a little dating site called okCupid. I would have never driven to the park to meet him that day. I wouldn't have been nervously juggling a tennis ball pretending to not be nervous. I would have never realized that someone can treat me better than dirt. I would have never held his hand at the park or something else ;) I wouldn't have fallen in love with our till 6AM conversations. I would have never met him for breakfast at the Red Arrow Diner the next day before he had work. I would

I'll pull my dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe :)

I love Mr. Nick and I'm glad things happened the way they did. Even though I lost a friend, I gained a lover I can respect and trust.

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody
And you can't take me any place
According to you I suck at telling jokes
'Cause I always give it away

I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated, oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

But according to me you're stupid, you're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you, you
According to you, you

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right

1_1_11

2011-01-01T15:17:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone.

I have a few resolutions this year.

1.) I want to write something every day.
2.) I want to take pictures every day :)
3.) The usual "lose weight"
4.) Party like its 1999.

Last night I went to a wonderful party out in Weare where the boy lives. Champagne was flowing thick. The BL was cold and refreshing. The chinese food was extra greasy to line our stomachs. We had a few rounds of beer pong, drank, cheered, played with fire crackers. Liz, Keli, and Todd were supposed to make it but got lost somehow. I wish they could have been there, it was the only thing missing.

Me and the boy sat under the stars out front and talked as we always do. At midnight we rushed inside to feel the turn from old to new. He took me in his arms and my heart skipped a few beats.

When I woke up this morning I felt the familiar dizziness and met the now familiar smiling face of Nick. Again I felt the fluttering in my heart and realized how warm it was. We went outside for a cigarette with Collin and I must say nothing could have been more perfect. It must have been 50 degrees this morning. Beautiful.

He drove me back home, taking my car to work with him. I could only smile. Could the new year be any more perfect.

"I think it's a sign" I said
"Of global warming..?"
I laughed. "That this year will be perfect"
"With you"

I forgot what it was like to be around someone with as wild ambitions as mine. Someone with a wild imagination who isn't afraid to be silly, who isn't afraid to dream in grandeur. Someone who will laugh at all my stupid jokes even if I get the punch line wrong... Someone who doesn't see me as a waste of time. Someone who captivates and commands my trust so easily. It's been a wonderful couple of months. It feels like a dream and every single day he reminds me of this. When someone told me that no one is perfect, that nothing could be perfect, they brainwashed me...

I believe it.

I actually believe it.

This year will be the beginning of the best years of my life.

Because we ARE perfect.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they've got planes and trains and cars,
I'd walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you're to blame.

I am so happy... I forgot what it was like.

Three months ago I was a wraith. What a wonder it is to feel the warmth of another's soul. I myself am aglow with life. I'm in love with someone who loves himself and who loves me. I don't care what anyone thinks. He is the best thing that could have happened to me <3 I am the lucky one here. I am the lucky one, but he reminds me every day that he feels just as lucky as I do. There is no fighting, no pain, no annoyances. It is hard to believe, but maybe we are perfect together.... Maybe there is such a thing.

I'm on my way to believing

ah_nevermind

2010-12-27T22:18:00.002-05:00

I shouldn't be so upset. It's fine.

In fact, it probably won't matter in three years.

so_cold

2010-12-26T16:59:00.000-05:00

I don't much enjoy the cold. Christmas was yesterday and went as well as it could have. As usual I felt rather off. Sitting around awkwardly with family wondering why they bother to talk to me in the first place. I was sitting in the back of Warren's car on the edge of tears. For what? Because I feel especially worthless. People have things to offer me and I have nothing to offer in return... Now I am even more broke having over drafted my account again, I owe my parents another fifty dollars and the bank ninety. I feel so.. worthless.

I drove out to visit my Mom today. She didn't seem in a very good mood and of course she snapped at me for drinking the other night. As if it was all my fault. As if it mattered... I just wanted someone to talk to. But she can't even be that. I'm worthless to her... I'm driving myself crazy.

I have nothing to offer and I am worth nothing... I feel so sick...

I don't want to feel so lonely inside. I don't want to spread my misery on to others... I can't even stand on my own two feet... I'm such a child.

I've been talking about going into the military.

*sigh* I'm going to flip out.

my_body_is_a_cage

2010-12-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

My mind is consumed with a thousand questions. My mind is consumed with a thousand colorful phrases that I wish I could scream into your face. I would be shaking like a leaf hanging on to a tree in desperation. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. I am not going to give you the sick satisfaction of even thinking so. But it torments me. I will have to come over this like I have everything else in my life, alone.

It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that all of the good times we had shared together are completely trumped out by a few horrible nights. That every single "I love you" and "We will always be friends" was just a bunch of meaningless bullshit said at the time. Granted, I was a terrible girlfriend and a terrible person. Maybe I still am. I guess I deserve this. Perhaps you will be forever that painful reminder that neediness breeds contempt. That people will say whatever you want to hear. That time can make any truth a lie. I have been cynical all along, but perhaps I should have tried more to be happy instead of correct.

The thought infects me like a virus. This has always been a flaw of mine. I should have known that things were going to end like this. You needed someone and I needed to be alone. I would have been there for you if only you had let me. There are a lot of things I could have done differently, but I feel that dwelling on it now is perhaps a waste of time. I can't turn back the clocks anyway (and perhaps I wouldn't want to). I can only dwell on it when I'm alone and cry over cooling cups of tea and half glugged cans of beer.

It's a sick obsession I suppose. Perhaps it is only my feeble attempt to prove for myself that any of it was real. Because if I can't prove that was real, how could I believe anything is? I was completely blinded, under the surface in the dark, flat out blinded by my obsessive-choking-love-struck-sick emotions. So much that I would accept my unhappiness and his unhappiness rather than lose him... and well, in the end I did anyway.

There is a lesson to be learned in all of this.

I hope that one day we are able to talk again as friends.. or old acquaintances. I'm envious of those who's ex's still care. Maybe that's what this is all about.. envy.

I'm such a sick person. I need a drink.